Happy Birthday To Me..

 I just want to be numb right now and it's only 1AM.

It's funny how the aching sets in even before you realize what day it is.

Like your body goes into a cycle of mourning for itself. You don't have to tell it anything.

The persistant hammering in my head is a reminder of those I've lost.

The gut-wrenching nausea a realization that I'll never see them again.

I feel myself coming apart and caving in. It hurts just to breathe.

It's mine and Sven's birthday and all I can think about is how it's one more year I don't want, and one more he deserved.

Most people blow out candles and make wishes.

I spend all day aching in want that no-one remembers it and just leaves me alone.

So I can lay in bed in the pitch-black darkness, completely and totally numb with whatever I chose to take that day.


Sometimes I wish I could just pull myself together and be happy for a single second.

But I can't seem to, no matter how hard I try.


How utterly pathetic.

18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 23, 2010

its scary how every word youv written is how i feel. tears stream down my face as i write this. i cant figure out how to live anymore. i wish i could meet someone like you to feel less alone, because even tho there are all these people around me i still feel all alone. hugs are hollow from people that dont understand, words are too. i feel like dying myself but i could never let someone else bare the pain i feel by passing it on with my death. tho i would welcome the release of my restraints. im only 17, and iv lived a life time of pain even before my best friends death a year ago. sadness and anger seem to be the only feelings behind this mask. i know no other life then this dark sorrow. i know im young and that theres more to life, but knowing and experiencing couldnt be more different in that i know i may never experience happiness again, unless its a twisted, more morbid definition of the word. im not afraid of dying, im afraid of missing out. which is ironic because i sit here typing im doing just that. loneness is now my only friend. i deleted my facebook, broke my phone in half, and do not search for my once friends insuring my life style and embarrassing my only friend which can never leave me if i so choice so. why am i so insignificant compared to others. i bet when people look back on there memories of me they dont see a face, only a pathetic image manifested from my actions. no one knows the future, only predictions. so how come i know my future. how come i know im going to die like this. you dont know either because there is no answer. so dont tell me anything different. cry when you can, but dont let anyone see your tears, they dont deserve to see something so beautiful

Would Sven have felt as you do if you passed, would he ache to give you one more year. As much as you care about him, I think that he would and since you know that he would take the years you will be given and live them so he can see you smile from where he is. Think of his sadness knowing you are not living the way you should and know, that you will see him smile again soon...<br />
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Please, think of how happy it would make him to know you are happy and living life to it's fullest, if only to share your experiences, that put smiles to your face with him when you see him again. We are not promised tomorrow and only borrowed is the present...