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Bipolar and Drug and Alcohol Problems

I have been drinking for years and have always abused substances. After being told for at least 2 years I had a problem i finally seeked help. I went to a residential rehab for 3months and tried really hard and learned a lot. I managed to stay clean for 7 months. I was drinking everyday, im a binge drinker and id go outget as many pills as i could. i used to think oooooo maybe ill over-dose tonight. i managed to kick the pill problem because when i went to rehab i threw my sim card away and all my using friends with it. and it was just a case of dont go out. It has been 3 years since I went and I am still having problems with relapsing. it's like I dont have an outlet anymore. I am in a relationship with a very good man. I had been single for 5 years due to trust issues and the fact that i knew i had problems and i wasnt going to subject anyone to it. Its ok to hurt me i dont wanna hurt anyone else. The only reason we got together was his sheer persistance over a 12month period to see me. on our first date i laid it out straight about me and on the second he endured a cross-examination from hell. poor fellow he has been through hell with me with my relapsing problems and the treatment i dish out when i drink, its like i wanna throw my life away. I still have problems with taking substances to feel better too. I cant even buy a packet of painkillers beauce ill just keep popping them like they are all gone and then probably go get another 2-3 packets till i get to the stage when i know i have to stop because my legs are starting to swell and i cant get my shoes on.At least i don't shoot up anymore. I used to be a speed freak when i was 19 and i fell into using needles. My exsistence was shocking. No food in the house etc etc you know what happens. Anyway i gave that up cold turkey when i was 21years. I havent touch a needle since. When it's needles it's a toally different ballgame. Things turn desperate. I dont want ever want to go there again. I also went cold turkey after a weeks binge on heroin, i nearly fell into the trap. I mean it that is one scary drug. i won't ever go near it again. I also gave up morphine cold turkey after using for 6 months. That made me an angry person and a very selfish and self centred individual with no tolerance. I havent had these drugs for a while because i dont hunt them and it's a sad lif.

I now have a partner, a car, 2 jobs and a pet. I am living the mormalest life i ever have and it has been a frigging hard battle, but we will be doind well and then........it will start

the build up to the discention of my life. it almost like i don't wanna be happy or something. i will start to believe i am unhappy, its like i start to go ona tangent, ill be feeling upset and my thoughts are so unhelpful, its like i touch with reality and my scope of reality and my thoughts will egg me on to feel terrible and i end up working myself up into state where i will fall off the wagon and it doesnt matter whats said or done in the build up to it im still unsatisfied and extremely uptight and anxious till the BANG!!!!!! and i go AWOL disappear, drink heaps and heaps till ive totally smashed myself out and spend all my money then it is the sitting in public places in my car, or on park benches watching the scenery thinking, but its all babble i do it for hours. and it's usually in about 3 different places because someone will eventually start annoying me, or encroaching upon my space. I think about my life, the first bit of being nigel no-friends is spent pretending i havent done anything wrong, denying, not wanting to face whats happened or avoiding the situation till i feel i have had enough time out and i better get into damage control mode and face my reality and take responsibility for what i have done. i think about everything and nothing, there is always that sense of calm, it honestly is like new years day. like everyones asleep, and the nonsense and pain and confliction is asleep. the monster inside me, the force i am kept prisoner by has now slipped back into dormancy....... till next time. i like to sit there and soak up that quiteness, that sence of stillness,rest, if it could go on forever, thats where i would be, not leaving just waiting.......maybe ill be picked up by a spaceship and they can fix my faulty wiring or show me how too.

fergyshmerg fergyshmerg 31-35 1 Response Jul 15, 2009

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Thanks for sharing this, I can feel your pain, and your strenth in you fight. I wish you well, it's a hard battle you're waging.