Give me a cause, a goal, a seemingly insurmountable task and I'll tackle it with due diligence. Give me this existence that seems to lack enough enduring purpose and I end up inevitably falling apart. I am not downplaying the significance of a lifetime spent fervently desiring love but along with that I need daily administrations of understanding, caring, compassion, people who know what it is like to live with a self esteem that seems to have joined the ranks of the Witness Protection Program. LP, M and Sister B are among my resources but I need more. I need more, give me about seven people I can call at any given time of the week and be rejuvenated or at least feel like I'm not a mistake that should have been aborted rather than brought into this world. I don't know where it comes from, I'd have argued the death of my cousin and my uncle from two years ago still weighing on me but this feels greater then that. As though the issue were more along the lines of an existence so perfectly controlled and planned out where possible that the chances for improvisation or stepping outside the carefully maintained mold are few and far between. Normally this would be the time when I miss the T's but I don't because they could never give enough when it came down to it. At the end of the night we remained coldly distance strangers but where do I find such impressive, extraordinary, singular individuals to take their places? To replace them entirely? You stare at me oddly but you understand the value of what I am saying for you have seen people like me your entire life. You see them engage in everything from drugs to risky sexual behavior or to biblical acts of stupidity just for the sake of an adrenaline rush to feel something close to human at the end of it all. I am still searching for that place where I will feel safe, secure, wanted, treasured and needed. Unfortunately there are no easy answers to be found HERE.