I've Waited For Him For 5 Years

It's not long for people that are easily attached to people, but knowing myself, I can say, this was something that I didn't expect of myself. I waited for him to love me like i expected him to, even when he was mine and now I wait for him to be mine even though I know it will never happen. I've started letting go, and I've been with someone for a year and half, but it's scary when I think of the fact that if he were to stand in front of me one day and say that he loves me, my knees would quiver and I would give myself to him again. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years and we left off on a bad note, but it was even harder knowing that he was happy with his new life, I felt like I was useless to him, knowing that he hated "what I made him" ... At least I learned to never change people. I can't help but understand that it was my fault.
noNAMEblogger noNAMEblogger
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 15, 2010

I am girl speaking here and only interested in men. I don't agree with homosexuality and bisexual, so please do not talk to me about it. I met this great guy online. We were talking every day. One day, I didn't trust him and I do not trust any man, except the men in my family. I have guys looks at women and tell me about it. One day I was like I don't know if he cheating or not because he has not contacted me in two days. I messaged all of his friends on his Facebook. I didn't know he had a child because he was not ready to tell me that, but I got pictures of his child on his shoulder a year ago on Christmas, but I ignore it. Then I found his exgirlfriend's mom on Facebook and she came after me saying they were married, but it was not true. She blocked me. She was a crazy lady. Then her brother was saying they live together, but he confessed and said they do not live together, but he made me mad. The exgirlfriend's brother's fiance attacked me saying he was worthless, druggy and then she confessed she did not know him at all. They lived together for seven years, but her family told me that they never met him, so what is that about. She would run off with his child and go see her family, but he did not know about it. He told me right away that he lived with her seven years. I helped him with the break up. He was taking to long, so I was fooling around with other guys because I wanted the pain to go away because I didn't think he loved anymore. I lived with a guy, that hit me in the stomach with his children around, he hit me in the arms twice, he corned me in closets to threaten me, he was always cheating on me and my abusive exboyfriend has a restraining order him and I did it to him too. I always had night mares of my abusive exboyfriend putting his hands on my throat and mouth to hush up and he really did that to me. The boyfriend I have now was calling my grandma to see where I was at. He messaged me to see if I was ok. My abusive exboyfriend knew I didn't love him of course not because he beat me. My boyfriend now lightened up my world by sending me sweet things. I flew to see him and everything was perfect. I truly know he cares about me because he still wants me after I was with my abusive exboyfriend. He missed voice, so he was listening to my voice messages. I just really love him. He told me he loves me first. I am glad I dated other guys to get that experience out of the way, but he was not ready to be with me because he was trying to get over his exgirlfriend at the time. I am so happy he said I helped him get over his exgirlfriend. I will give you more details later on.

Yeah, I've been trying, at least I think of him less often. My current relationship much better, even though even my bf admits that he can tell that my ex had a big impact on my life, but I try not to compare my current relationship with my past. I agree on the whole love isn't permanent, over time love turns to just respect, which keeps the marriage going. For a long time I though of myself as the most unhappy person in the world, but I dropped the moping around, cause it never got me anywhere. Now he's just a good memory and once in a while just a scare that reminds me that he exists :)