The more I look at it, the more I see that I could be living possibly every aspect of my life WRONG.
Career. I've wanted to be a performing artist for as long as I can remember. But it seems that I don't have the
right personality type for that field. I run away from every opportunity. I'm constantly terrified.
Speaking of being constantly terrified, that pours over into all other aspects of my life. My sister says I don't take advice. Maybe she's right. Because every time I'm given advice by friends/family or discover a new way to improve myself, (ie. journaling, self affirmations, meditation, self compassion, etc.) I always tell myself I'll start it, I'll procrastinate, or even if I do start it, I'll have a hard time making it a habit long enough for it to make
a difference (meaning: I'll try it once or twice). I'm scared of change, I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of what
people think of me, I'm scared of living.

I don't remember the last time I committed to something and felt good about the outcome. I like who I was far more before Mom died than who I am now. I had drive, I had goals (that I actually reached), I had determination,
I was valuable - at least to Mom. I had hope and optimism for my future. And as much as seventeen year old me might not have thought so, I think that I believed in myself more then than I do now.

I'm a twenty-two year old woman(?) who has had tragic things happen in her life, has had painful realizations and discoveries (like not being able to emotionally rely on my remaining family members, or my realization that life is HARD seemingly ALL THE TIME - but that might be my fault because I "view" it that way)

I want to harm myself when I cry so deeply like this.
I run away from everything. I don't like being in public very often, and when I am, it's draining. I spend far too much time watching television and I think it's making me dumber even though it's one of the only things that brings me contentment or happiness.
Escaping from what my life actually is, is so much better than going for a walk and getting stuck in my thoughts, or just living in my life, being present. There aren't good things going on in my head. I'm not my own friend, I feel nothing but doubt in myself because I feel uncertain
of everything - my future, my emotional wellbeing (whether I feel appropriately about my parents being dead, should I still be as sad as I am, should I think of my life as a result of them not being with me?).
I want to be able to talk to someone but anytime I reach out to anyone I feel ashamed and/or guilty about putting my emotional strain on them. And my interactions with people who "try to help" always feel unsatisfactory. Like all I did was vent unnecessarily to a person and now they know more about how crazy I am than I'd like.

Sometimes I feel like I hate myself. Every time I discover something new about myself it only reveals how much further away I am from being perfect. My perfect self. Who I wish I was. And who I thought I would eventually become. But not at this rate. How can I get this ridiculous standard of perfection out of my mind. It's so engrained, I don't know how to tell myself it doesn't matter. No one is perfect and I don't have to be that way. But it's killing me. That need to be perfect. It always creeps in. I won't care for a long time and then as soon as things get rough, my subconscious throws it back at me - all the evidence of being imperfect that I ignored for that period of time. And it hurts so much. I'm so far away from being the person I want to be and it seems like I won't even do anything about it. I keep reaching out for help from
other people instead of just doing it myself like I should. Why do I have this constant need for affirmation from other people? When will it stop? When will I get better? WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE, THE SIMPLEST THING I COULD DO ON A DAILY BASIS BUT SOMEHOW I REFUSE TO DO IT? It's like I'm afraid if I try a tactic to improve myself, put the work in, time and effort,
and it doesn't work out then I'll feel even more like a failure? Why do I think this way? What do I really have to lose?
paradisezero paradisezero
26-30, F
Aug 20, 2014