I Hear The Cracking, I'm Starting To Break...

I am thirty two

In the past three years or less:

I have had a second child with a spouse who did not want this new baby and was living with someone else during part of the pregnancy.

I have lost my home to foreclosure.

Separated from a drug addicted spouse (cocaine)

Been laid off of work twice for months while supporting two children alone without child support.

My Mom was diagnosed and treated for tongue cancer.  (She is my only remaining parent)

Started a new relationship with someone that has two kids of his own.

Two years later was asked to marry him.

The same week my boyfriends ex wife died of a drug overdose last Mothers Day in a hotel room. 

Bill Collectors have filed lawsuits against me

I have been in a fender bender (someone else hit us) and damaged my neck muscles.

I went to a screening last summer and I was told that I may have a deadly form of skin cancer and did not have health insurance to cover it.  I bought insurance and it had a $7500 deductible.   My treatment was considered a preexisting condition and now I am getting all the bills.  I also dropped the insurance because I could not afford it.

Was hired on at a new job in April where I was told I would be made permanent and then told sorry we cannot hire you right now but we hope to be able to. I am currently contract. I have no life or health insurance, no sick time, no vacation and no holidays.

My boyfriend of two years ended our relationship in September because he was stressed about his 40th birthday. It crushed me as it came out of nowhere. Although we got back together right away, I still feel it and haven't been able to understand why I was the one he chose to take it out on and how he could throw us away so easily. Now I feel insecure.

My Mom just weeks ago has been in the hospital with internal bleeding and it may be colon cancer.  We find out within the next few weeks.

My car which I owed only $3000 on, died three weeks ago in traffic. Its going to cost $3,200 to fix. I have to give it back to the bank now. I cannot afford the repair or paying on a car I cannot drive.

My eleven year old future stepdaughter resorted to trying to stab herself with pens and acting out in strange ways at school as she is now feeling the death of her Mom from last year and it is effecting her badly.  She told her Dad after over two years of bonding with me that, she doesn't really like me and doesn't want me to be there very much because I annoy her.

Last week my boyfriends nephew, age 15, hung himself and he is in a coma in ICU. There is no brain activity. He is expected to die.

Four days later (Friday) my boyfriends sister swallowed three bottles of pills to try and commit suicide because she couldn't deal with her sons sad situation and the choices to come.  She is now in a coma, on a respirator with pneumonia.  She may also die.  She has five other children.

All of my bills are late.  I'm sick and tired of the phone calls.  I'm stressed.

I'm tired and I feel really lost.  And I'm sick with worry and sick to my stomach.

What next?

Who's next?

And why?

I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. Where is all of this bullshit coming from?

I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WhatMattersCannotBeSeen WhatMattersCannotBeSeen
31-35, F
2 Responses Nov 9, 2009

hai ,i could well understand of what you are going through. I do want to make you feel light but couldnt find the opt words coz i feel you have reached and challenged difficult periods which in itself proves you are strong.However i would suggest you to follow spirituality as it is the best medicine. I am an university student from Australia, for sometime i have been following the Bhagvath Geetha(Hindu's bible) , though it is difficult to read and understand personally ,there are spiritual associations which teaches people like ESKON Hare Krishna Community...it is found all over the world....just find one near your place and try to understand slowly...it will 100 percent ,guide you and gives you a personal understanding.you can mail me at samengineer1985@gmail.com. i shall pray for you.

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. My life is pretty stressful right now too, but you are really going through hell! I'm sure it makes you wonder what you did to deserve all that crap. When I hear stories like this I get so angry and wonder why some of us were dealt such horrible cards. I hope things get better for you. I'm sure you've heard that alot. I feel for you ):