Try Not To .... But Mentally Stressed

I am a proud mother of four children, 3 boys and one girl. This story is about my daughter her name is Jewely. When we were living in Virginia she was in the 7th grade. She was very good in school and being a mother of a child that is always getting great grades I was very proud. I had just gotten my job and been there for about a week I was so excited that I completed Cosmetology School and was hired in a Salon. At that time I was marred to my husband and he worked nights and slept though the morning and early afternoon. Jewely had came to me that Thursday and told me that she was not feeling so well, she said that her stomach ached badly. After asking the "Dr. Mom" questions I thought that she was really constipated. I did give her some medication and prune juice and allowed her to stay home that day and sort the situation out, gave her a kiss and left for work. My husband called me at work and after talking and finding out what was going on we came to the conclusion that she needed to get seen by the "real" doctor. My husband took her to the ER. The doctor told her that she was constipated and had allergies (cause she was starting to swell in the face, neck and shoulders). He was able to fill the medication and return home with her and allow her to rest. At this time she was sleeping a lot and weak. When I got home I seen that my daughter was not feeling well at all and trusted what the ER doctor had told my husband. The ER doctor told him that if she was not feeling better by Monday that she should go to the PCP (Primary Care Physician). Friday came and she was still in the same state. I told my husband that if she gets any worst that she should return to the Emergency Department he said "ok" and I left out for work. All weekend she was not getting any worst and she was going to the bathroom with very little success. I called the PCP and she told us that she should come in Monday (appointment) and she will see what is going on with her. Come Monday I still had to go to work (new on the job) and my husband and and appointment that he could not miss pertaining to his job so my Mother took Jewely to the PCP for me. When they got there Jewely was swollen in her upper body as well as her lower body (down to the thighs) and really complaining of the discomfort that she was experiencing in her stomach and chest area. The PCP basically said the same thing that the ER doctor had said (I did not know this at that time) and advised that she take the allergy medications, get plenty of rest and drink and eat things with fiber. At that time I did not have a cell phone so therefore my mother could not reach me, I was in the process of traveling to retrieve my daughter from my mother. When I reached my mother's street and her apartment was in sight I seen her standing on her porch in a frantic cry. I started to run to the house to see what was wrong with my mother. It never occurred to me that the cry was for my 12 year old daughter. I had not reached the yard yet and she yelled out to me "get to the hospital". It still did not occur to me yet, I would have never thought. I started to run faster to get to my mother she needed me, I thought. When I reached the gate of her yard she said "Liz, its Jewely get to the hospital she had a massive heart attack". Right then my world crumbled but I could not fall, I could not think of anything else but to get to my daughter quickly. Quick as a flash I thought I cannot take the bus I have to get there NOW. Some neighbors were standing on their porch watching everything. I felt as if I was going in circles but I really was not and a neighbor of my mother asked "what do u need?" I replied "I need a car". She offered to drive me to the hospital. I remember that she kept apologizing that her car was loud and messy, I totally did not care. When we (my niece and I went to school together and worked together) arrived at the hospital ER they told me that she was going to be rushed straight to the 7th floor Intensive Care Unit (ICU) (we got there before she did, the wait was numbing). The ambulance had to stop a smaller hospital to get her stabilized after she had the 2nd massive heart attack. When they were able to leave and transport to a larger more equip hospital she suffered a stroke in the ambulance. My daughter needed me and I was not there. I was sitting in the waiting area waiting for Jewely to come and finally she came around the corner with all of the machines and many people. When I seen my daughter she was not my daughter. She was swollen so badly that she looked like a sumo wrestler and Jewely is a petite child with hips. She did not look like my daughter so much that when they told me that she was coming down the hall right now I went to the hall where they were going to turn into ICU I asked them "where is she?" (while walking) they said "this is Jewely". That is when I look again and broke completely down and asked God to let me switch places. Jewely is a special child with talents beyond your dreams and popular in school, so so so much of the brightest future you would ever imagine for one human being. Jewely had special gifts and shined on everyone. When they reached Jewely's room in the ICU she suffered her 2nd stroke. When I was finally able to talk to someone about what was going on I found everything out. Jewely suffered 2 massive heart attacks and 2 strokes (the ICU doctors know that she had more strokes but they were only able to pinpoint 2), she had died 5 times. The first time that she died she was with my mother and was dead for 6 minutes which caused her brain injury. She has a rare condition called Mycarditis (it is a viral infection that attacks the heart it can strike when you are 5,25, 40 or 67 does not matter when it get to that point it will attack and weaken your heart and you will have serious problems). They had her sedated to keep her totally relaxed, when they wanted for her to wake up she did but it was found that she had brain injury. I was devastated. After all of the surgeries and long long stay in the hospital she was allowed to come home. She did not come home the same as when she left, Jewely is unable to walk, talk or eat by mouth, she required 24/7 care. Life sometimes gets hard but I have to keep pushing cause she is my daughter and I love her dearly. That was 7 years ago she is 19 years old now and the stress of taking care of such a mentally handicap person is trying and stressful. I live in this state with no family and no relief from caring for her. I know it probably sound really mean but caregivers need breaks too. I have tried to find places like daycare (I CANNOT PUT HER IN A HOME, OUT OF THE QUESTION) or a activity center. My other children suffer cause of the time and care that I have to give to Jewely. I just want to break down and weep for my younger boys. There is 2 boys still at home my oldest has moved out on his own. Not only the stress of being a caregiver and a single mom when my 20 year old son moved out we had an argument and I have not seen or heard from him in 8 months. Even though we have our family disagreements we are (or thought we were) a close nit family. I miss my son and I miss my healthy daughter. This is a stressed out mom that is on the edge. Jewely is always in and out of the hospital so much that we know almost all of the nurses at the hospital were we live now (they always seem to admit her to the same floor). Life gets hard and full of depression. Sleeping at night is not a thing that my body likes to do. She recently was released from the hospital cause of her breathing problems and I have to watch her through the night. I AM TIRED, I NEED A WAY TO FIND SOME PEACE, SOMETHING TO RELIEVE THE STRESS LEVEL, SOMEONE I CAN TRUST AND KNOW HER HISTORY AND JUST TAKE OVER FOR A MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!