Now They Have Begun To Harass My Parents.The wonderful office of student accounts has taken it upon themselves to harass my parents.
All of because of me. I haven't done my parent plus loan.
There are of course, a variety of reasons why I haven't completed this task.
1. It's under my parents name, meaning they are held liable when I can't pay them off, which will be of course, immediately after I receive such loan.
2. I've been busy. Sort of. It's dead week and I had things to do. Now, I am free. Today, I was going to work on such dilemma but they took the liberty of telling my parents how urgent it is that I call in.
3. I've tried to do such loan before, but the online system was ******. So I sent an email, they said I should wait until the system work again.
...So I waited. A week.
I acknowledge fully that I am a completely irresponsible human being, to such degree that I probably should not be in college or alive for that matter.
I tend to dissociate. I will put things off.
I'm surprised I have been able to get so much better about my academics.
My life, it works in cycles. Cycles where I'm at all time highs, and then at all time lows. I've seen such reoccurring cycles in my life since I was a wee lad. Over the last few years, it's been such a downward spiral that now I am finally getting back on my feet, i'm being bombarded with financial issues.
Such is the life of a young adult. It makes me feel so stressed. To the point that I cannot physically eat. My dad called me in the middle of my lunch/dinner and I about lost it. He was kind and warm to me, he didn't try to stress me out. But he did.
My parents are so happy that i'm college. I'd hate to disappoint them.But more so, I'm scared of disappointing myself.
Aside from this, of course my eating disorder has been on my *** lately. The "you're-ugly-and-fat-and-dumb" kind of thoughts are back.
I also got a C on one of my term papers. Which sucks because I'm scared of getting a C overall in that class. I know, it sounds kind of dumb to be all stuck up and care so much, but last year I did so horrid in regards to my academics, that I REALLY want to make up for it. So badly.
Meanwhile, instead of calling the office of student accounts, I am typing this. Why? Because I rather not speak to this lady. I rather take care of the loan after the office is closed and then casually email her. I'm such a nutjob. I swear.
Sometimes I feel like I don't even belong in school. And I feel like I may puke all over this computer lab. **** minestrone soup, mind you, I am out of meal points so was forced to pay such meal with my debit card.
I'm ready for this semester to be over. Which will happen soon. But i'm also upset over the fact that now my parents are getting involved in this. I'm a horrible daughter. I don't even know why I care so much about how they feel about me, when I'm home all I do is bicker with them, but when I'm here at school, all I do is miss them.
So, 12 more minutes before I feel better. Because then the office of student accounts will be closed, and I can quietly go about my business and they can't harass my parents for at least another day. God. Help me.
In my theology class (the one where I got a C on the term paper) we had a review session today.
"Eli Eli lema Sabachtani"
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
I went to mass yesterday with my wonderful roommate, and there was a beautiful homily. But as much as I try, I don't think I trust in God. Sometimes, I don't even believe in him.
I'm all over the place. So i'll stop now.
I should come with a warning label and it should read:
Approach with extreme caution.