Im kinda in a mess right now.
Have beeing seeking enlightenment for just under a year now. Really raised my consciouseness, but when it comes down to the crunch i fear. After an attempt to realise enlightenment through drugs in June, I believe I was left depersonalized for 3 or 4 days. Terrrible feeling of being seperated from my mind and the world. Later convinced myself that it was enlightenmnet but failed to feel the love with it.
Made some very big strides in the past two weeks, with fear and love and realising the sameness in everyone. Then came the whole feeling of letting go. I cant tell if its going to be letting go into bliss or eternal darkness. A thing that concerns me is that I have concentrated too much on brain processes when experiencing big moments, now my brain feels a mess. I cling to my thoughts, and trying to experience the love in all in an effort toregain stability. Have the idea I've built myself up for depersonalization, especially now since my ego has taken a backseat for a few months. Can feel the seperation with thought ready to happen if I give attention to it. The thing I expect from an enlightening experience is the presence of god and love which I dont have. If I give into fear will it overtake me? Or should I choose to accept that by ignoring it I create seperation and instead I should love it.
My whole body shakes, and my brain cant find rest. It is really drawing a lot of energy out of me, feeling weak, emotionally and physically.
Can anyone help?
Even now a strong ego would be a nice solution.