My Stint With ASo I’d like to share a true story about me that happened only a few months ago (Feb). It’s not earth shattering or anything but hopefully you guys will find it entertaining. It’s about my one and only experience with a “self destructive” phase brought on by (you guessed it) depression that was in turn brought on by (you guessed it again) a girl. I won’t go into what happened with this girl since that’s a different story entirely, but the aftermath of being abandoned by a person I trusted completely and came to depend on for… breathing (figuratively).
I’d like to start out by saying that as I was going though this phase, I was not aware of what exactly was happening like I did not wake up one morning and think, “I’m going to go through a self destructive phase… Ya, that’s the ticket!” There was no real beginning or end point (though I can probably pin point a fairly accurate stop date more or less). I did not realize what had happened to me until after it was all over and done with and I was able to reflect on it and not be (as) bitter about it all. I find what I went through very interesting, and now that it’s all over, somewhat amusing for 2 reasons. 1) It started out small and got progressively bigger/more destructive and 2) I did not try to make things happen as they did, what I mean by that is that I did not decide that what I was doing wasn’t bad/destructive enough and so I had better step it up a notch lol. NO! Like I said before, it all just happened- right under my nose and without me having any idea (kind of like what happened with that girl, lol sorry still a little bitter).
So yes, this started around last February and somewhat small and just dumb but then again it was all kind of dumb. First, I started doing 2 things I never did and that was speeding in my truck and texting while I was driving. I find both of those things to be very irresponsible and of all the things I did I must admit that I am the most ashamed of these first 2 things for one simple reason- I could have harmed (or worse) another human being. To stop caring about myself is one thing but to stop caring about the world and the people in it is another. I was not trying to harm others, I just stopped caring about what became of me. Thankfully this mind set ended after only about a week and even though I still did not care what happened to me, my awareness for others came back and I stopped immediately for fear I would end up ruining someone else’s life along with my already (seemingly) shattered life. Next to go was my lack of concern for my health. Which meant I took up smoking cigarettes and experimented with alcoholism. After doing some research, I discovered that these 2 things, even done separately, cause anxiety and depression to worsen. However, I wasn’t trying to rid myself of my anxiety and depression or even forget about everything the way I hear some other people that drink try to do. I was simply trying to “deal.” I tried being sober and it wasn’t working out so I figured what the hell! I’ve dubbed one weekend in February in particular to be my “drunk weekend.” It all started on a Friday evening of course I had nothing going on since most of my friends (except around 2) had abandoned me. I went to the grocery store and bought a fifth of whiskey and a pack of cigs, drove back to my place and “started” my night. It was what you would expect- sitting on my recliner watching movies, drinking, smoking, and just wallowing and thinking about all that had happened and just realizing how SCREWED up everything had become. Yes it all made me feel even worse but I didn’t care anymore. I got through about ¾ of that bottle before I passed out. The next morning I was still in pain so I began drinking again at (embarrassed to admit) 8:30 am. I finished off that bottle, then walked to a convenience store that also sold liquor, bought another fifth of whisky and some donuts, then headed back to my place to continue drinking and watch more depressing movies with a comedy thrown in there for good measure. At around 2 that afternoon I surprisingly got a call from an out of town friend who happened to be visiting just for the day who was wondering if I wanted to grab a late lunch at a local bar/pub. I showered up and waited for him to pick me up. I’ve been told I’m pretty good at holding my liquor, in fact this friend had no idea I was wasted when he picked me up. I don’t entirely remember what all we talked about but I do remember just straight up telling him, “I am not ok.” I think that was the first time I admitted that to someone other than myself, and looking back, even though it didn’t make me feel better, I feel that admitting that helped me to get over the alcoholic stage of my depression. I would certainly say that this was the worst of my self- destructive phase. It was not, however, the end of it.
It got to the point where I actually realized I had little concern for my personal safety and with this new found “empowerment” I felt I could try some things out that I never thought I would ever consider doing normally. I tried going skydiving but didn’t because of weight limit and because it’s actually rather pricey which I don’t personally agree with but whatever; I tried joining the Marine Corps mostly for the brotherhood/ camaraderie which is what I was desperately craving and because the Marines are FIGHTERS and even though I’m not much of a fighter I really felt like fighting someone/something lol; I started texting an ex girlfriend who, as it turns out, is a rather cold and indecent person after all (I knew it!) and “had no desire to speak to me EVER.”; I made out with a girl I would not normally do such a thing with; almost got a tattoo and not a small one mind you, it was going to be a half sleeve (I currently have 0 tattoos lol); had some minor suicidal thoughts but because (thank God, literally THANK YOU, GOD) of my strong Catholic upbringing was not able to go through with any of those thoughts; and finally even though I was past the worst of the alcoholic stage there was still some long depressing weekends and I would drink a lot on a given night then go walking down dark alleyways in hope of someone trying to mug me so I could fight them, this also never happened mostly, I’m assuming, because of my height and size (not to toot my own horn but I can be a rather imposing figure [beep beep]).
Thankfully nothing permanently bad happened. I stopped smoking, stopped drinking (alone lol), regained my slight fear of heights, and started caring about what happened to me again, and even got to spend some time with an amazingly sweet, kind hearted and beautiful woman (who has helped me more than she knows). I’m much better now and generally happy/content. So that’s my rant. Thanks for reading my first ever post!
cheekybuggar85 26-30 9 Jul 20, 2012