Born With A Rusty Spoon

I went through hell as a child. But always knew if I persevered and accepted my beginnings not as a weakness, but a reason to try and be great, have money, have nice things, that I would be happy. That I'd live like a decent human being. I grew up in the deep south, Mississippi mud. The nick-name for my town was "Possum town". My dad was a severe alcoholic and had anger and probably mental issues. He and I moved there when I was 14. We lived in a rotten 1960s style single-wide trailer with cockroaches, rats, and no air conditioning. The kitchen light didnt work and there were holes in the rotting walls and floor. A raccoon had access to my bedroom closet. There was lots of mold. We grew our vegetables in a small garden. I used to wear my dads shirts to school, because I didn't have clothes really, more like rags, clothes I found or Palmer home (non profit thrift store) clothes. We had a rotary phone. We took our clothes to a laundrymat. I used to dumpster dive with my father and steal food from the backs of trucks camped overnight at truckstops. Before that I lived on an old school bus. Those were things I strived to get away from as soon as possible. So I made good grades and graduated early. Left that nasty trailer at 16. I got my BA in culinary arts with an English minor, and 21/2 semesters at one of the best pastry schools in the country. During those years I struggled to keep a roof over my head at times, and was homeless for a two month period. But in spite of everything seemingly working against me, I earned my credentials and fell in love. He asked me to move across the country with him and I agreed. 1 month after moving to Luke Airforce base in Surprise, AZ (he is a fighter pilot) he cheated on me, dumped me for a local 20 year old *****, kicked me out, and got her pregnant by accident(?) I heard they had a justice of peace last minute wedding and left town. Oh and he took back the car he helped me finance. So now, 1 1/2 years after moving here, I live in a small town in dusty Arizona. I am a waitress and have lost all direction or foundation of who I really am. I keep in random contact with 1 cousin, that's it. Both my parents are dead, I have no siblings, no blood relatives on this side of the country. And even they are long- lost to me.. I have lost any will to do better anymore, and simply live without purpose. I know I am a very strong person. Sometimes it's just hard, you know?