I Am The Family Pet

I was abandoned, left to rot alone in the place i called home
by my only remaining real parent, she didnt love me enuff
always on that stuff, having sex with guys playing ruff
all in my face all over the apartment while i watched.
i starved while u drugged, i starved while you feasted on meat,
from guys to give u money for more drugs, not food for me.

Isolated, alone, blank, quite, dying, scared, crying, and realizing,
it was almost near an end, my life vs your rationalizing.
Pleading, i wanted help from the one i thought loved me,
begging, i sank deeper as behind the door she shoved me.
STAY! words spoken to a pet, not a child....left behind.

Im the family pet.

Obeying i stayed, never wandering or wondering what if,
staying right where she put me, after 4 days im filth and rot.
Abandoned, i cry i suffer i sigh i....always just i....WHY???!!!
tears of despiration, clog my soul slow my respiration.
water is my food, my toy, my life...from a broken faucet,
my lifeblood drips down a dark rotten abyss.
I cant turn it on so i lick it off the sink, Im the family pet.

my brain wanders and plays for weeks not days, alone.
hallucinations dance thru the room, i feel the end approach.
my slumber awakened my ears mistaken IS THAT YOU!
YES im saved, you open the door for one last glance,
you stare at me with hollow eyes, its your last chance,
and you choose......................................................

I love you, I hate you, YOU *****! you're my everything,
my life, my Mom, you're nothing, you're gone, numb to the core,
standing in the door, a dichotomy of emotion, you chose hate,
and with a casual turn, the slam of a door you sealed my fate,
with the slam of the lock I knew........I knew hate, YOU *****!
abandoned with ease, going to others to please, you left me.

Im the family pet, abandoned like a dog starving in the streets,
i rolled myself like a cigar and hid my face in the sheets,
so nobody would see my shame, my torment, my pain.
WHY???? what did i do to deserve this?? I fall into sleep,
a permenant, cold, lonely end to my life...i am nothing to you.

Hot tears sear my skin with wild sensations, as my mind slowly dies,
i accept my end with an empty soul, empty heart, an empty stomach,
an empty mind....and hollow eyes drained of their life, going dark.

I awaken in panic, gasping, grabbing, fighting, realizing im saved,
relieved, over joyed, alive, but empty...un wanted, un loved,
abandoned....i was the family pet....now im a stray fighting to stay,
in this warm, bright place with this smiling happy face,
comforting me, scaring me, saving me....where are YOU???

Im a stray, rescued from my deep, cold abyss, and did i yearn,
did i look, did i wonder, if you had brought this happy day, yes.
But you werent there, i remember now u abandoned me.
Hot liquid shame rolls down my face as i realize my worthless fate,
the place im in, its just a pretty, decorated hell where i will stay,
for a while until they too decide to abandon me, like you did.

I still love you, I miss you, I hate you, I never want to see you again,
until tomorrow...maybe you will love me then, return and say,
it wasnt fate, it wasnt numbness, it wasnt hate that i felt as you left me,
to find your joy in a maze of men and drugs....i will forget soon,
because after all Im the family pet.

Just as i suspected, im looked over, rejected, i'm nothing, im worthless,
and just as i feared im abandoned again....moved to a darker place.
Other lonely souls like me striving to find their way, live beside me.
Im kept with other strays, worthless still, unwanted still, hollow, empty......still.
For years they beat me, move me around, beat me more, move me again.
The cycle of abuse changes, new tortures to endure, painful things they do.

Locked up in the dark, beaten, hungry, lonely, scared, naked....i endure it,
but i wont forget it...this dog will bite soon, inside hate returns,
fuels an enormous raging inferno....i hold it in, it erodes me, kills me slowly,
from the inside i feel it, i cry, i hurt, i bleed, i scream, i cut deeper an deeper,
into my skin, hundreds of times...if i die it will be by MY hand not yours.

Daily freedoms to a school of ruthless wolves, glaring eyes, fear reflected,
back at me...they sense the danger, the hollow emptiness that has changed me.
They know, someone once loved this poor dog, but abandoned he turned,
rabbid he became, tainted with evil from torture, beatings,
and sexual abuses daily,it burns bright in me.
Scared, they too abandon hope, avoid, ignore, run from me.

Inner rage becomes a death robe, i wander thru years of lifeless isolation, endless,
repeated, boring, numbing and eroding hate from my surroundings. Hate return,
a gift from society to an unwanted, feral, vermant, hiding in a blurry sea of normal.
Outreached hands met by more beatings, at school, walking home, and at home.
I am a stray, unwanted, abandoned, hated, beaten into submission....I fall,
a victim of myself, of society, of hate....inward i fall, imploding my soul darkens,
my heart solidifies, my ears close, my eyes dim, my mouth....speaks no more.

1 full year spent in internal isolation, shutdown i scare them even more,
my tears flow constantly, i struggle to hold on to the tiny single bright shining grain,
the remainder of me, the only unspoiled element remaining, one tiny grain of sand.
Dirt to others, a diamond to me, i hold on to it, i cry praying for help, but speaking no words.
No words for a year, no sounds, no communication, nothing but outter numbness, inner pain.
A whirlwind of broken glass slowly carves away at the remaining, single, shiny, pure grain of sand.

I return, a stray once again, breathing, walking, talking, fighting, but scared of everything.
Fear has replaced the hate within me, anxiety regulates my pace, depression control my face.
no smiles, just numbness or extreme pain....the dicotomy of emotion returns to exact its revenge,
in my mind, my soul, my body....i fight to remain whole....constantly fighting. Nobody understands.

Artistic experssion relieves the anxieties, frees my soul to soar once again. I smile.
I remember that smile, a foreign feeling, muscular awkwardness turning into familiarity.
happiness, ever so fleeting and unpredictable returns.....Im the stray dog wagging his tail,
realizing his fortune, his freedom, his life......i choose to fight, medications assist me, hinder me, blurr my existence,
until finally i find the one for me. This stray has control now, full control and hes running toward his new fate.

Attention is shown to me more often in my new bright and happy state, energy flows thru my veins,
replacing the rage, hate, fear, negativity.....art is my experssion, my relief, my ejected emotions....and art,
is what saves me, gets me noticed, forges a canyon and finds me a family....a family that has the money,
enough money to buy me, afford paperwork, lawyers, medications, and plane tickets. Im protected now,
by strangers...once again im the family pet....examined by doctors, certified disease free, medicated to prevent,
the erosion back into the abyss....back into my past existence as the unwanted, unloved family pet.

Now i am free, i am loved, i am held, i am.....ME.
FINALLY i can be myself, let go and relax, enjoy the things normal people do...all while fighting,
the anxieties and depression, the returning ripples and waves of a storm that has now moved far away,
yet still sends the random rogue wave to remind me what i once was. But i know now what i am,
im the family pet once again....and soon i will become one of them, part of a whole, part of THE whole,
a loved and trusted family member....not a pet, purchased, but a pet rescued, rehabilitated, reinvigorated, rebuilt.
Stronger I grow each day, more confident in who I am.....Im no longer the family pet,
I am a strong boy running down the beach, making up for lost time, soaking up every molecule of life!!
AquilaAqua AquilaAqua
18-21, M
3 Responses Jan 22, 2013

you're story is beautiful and you inspire me, keep going bro! :)

Wow thx!

it's nothing bro!

you are amazing! well written. very expressive; maybe consider publish this- you
know what you are doing.. very, impressive :)

I tried writing b/c a friend said it might help, my depression so bad right now but that's when I do my best drawings paintings, and I guess writing too. Thx for compliments I appreciate it

Wow I'm moved