Stronger Every Day

I’m tired of being the strong one, just once I want to give in, I want to be held when I’m hurting, I want to be able to sink into someone’s strong arms, be protected, comforted, loved but I find it hard to give in to my pain when others are around… I shrug off my feelings of despair, pain, loneliness or heartache as trivial to those around me, saying ‘I’m fine’ when inside, inside I am crumbling, shattering, breaking apart… I hold myself together on the outside, when really I feel like a puff of wind will send me scattered on the breeze, never to be put together again…. I want to be held and told that everything will be alright, to cling to someone else’s strength but I don’t.

I struggle on, on my own, giving a shoulder to anyone who needs it, a hug, hopefully a kind word or deed, to show I care, that I am there for them, but I can’t give in myself, to show them what I need, because I am afraid; I’m afraid if I show them my weaknesses that they will use them against me, or worse, be repelled by my neediness, my weaknesses my fears.  So I keep it all inside, I present the image I have cultivated, of being strong, confident, self-assured, self-reliant, of being FINE; and the more I keep doing so the more I can believe that I really and truly am!

But then I reflect, I look back on how far I have come in my life, the challenges I have overcome, even if I have hidden my hurt, my fears and my pain from others, and I realise just how strong I am; Now I just have to garner alittle more of that strength to let others see me when I'm down as much as when I'm up, and then, then I truly willl be stronger than I look

lostlittlefirefly lostlittlefirefly
41-45, F
May 21, 2012