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Just Letting It Out

My fake self is amazing. She laughs at the right times, says the right things, nods at the right moment. I call my fake self Jack.

Explanation: Sometimes when I'm bored at night I think of how my day’s events would be narrated. ... "She walked into the kitchen thinking she was alone. Seeing her mother she pulled Jack out of her pocket and slipped the mask on."

On the outside they all see Jack. They think nothing is wrong. On the inside, I’m stuck with me. The name of the group hit the nail on the head. I am struggling not to fall apart.

I feel like she, my best friend, needs me right now. She doesn’t realize I need her too. But I can’t need her I just need to be here for her and that’s difficult. I’m always the strongest when someone else needs me. So if I believe she needs me, I won’t fall. But lately she won’t talk to me (not about important things), so it feels like she doesn’t need me. Her not needing me lets me think it is ok to fall apart, but the last thing I need is to fall apart. I need to get away from the constant bouts of sadness. I need an inner Jack, but there’s no Jack to hide me from myself.  There’s no Jack to tell me that everything is okay, like my Jack tells everyone else.

I don’t know if I’m making a lot of sense, but it sure did feel good letting it all out.
hatethestress hatethestress 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 24, 2011

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Ah... I sympathize. My daughter [basically, a carbon-copy of myself] has the same complaint: "I'm the mother-hen, dad, everyone comes to me with their problems..." <br />
The unspoken part: "...they come to me.. but I have no one...."<br />
MAN, Ido I sympathize. You're always the "strong one", the "one who knows what to do".... but the 'needy' ones tend to forget, that you are only human, you have your own needs.<br />
Sometimes, though, you need to be honest with your friendsfamily/soulmates: tell them that you know EXACTLY how they 'suffer', because you do, too.... And ask for their help/support. Sometimes, you'll be surprised by the response...

Well, sorry to disappoint you but if you hide yourself from the world, then nobody in the wold will be able to help but you. You will be alone.<br />
In this case breaking down is exactly what you need. Breaking out of this two-faced way of living, let the facade crash because it will one way or another. And it can either be in a situation where you'll be picked up by friends or one where you'll be picked up by hospital staff... your choice.<br />
Life has ups and downs, don't try to always stay in an up, because that will put you in a down much longer. Take a down and you'll be ok.<br />
<br />
Also, there's no difference between Jack and you. You made jack the way you believe you should be. You can be who you want to be without hiding yourself, because it IS what you stand for and believe is right.

Honestly that sounded kind of harsh when I read it to myself. But it made sense. Thanks. You’re right. At least, if I just let myself brake down it will be on my own terms. I would like to, but I don’t know if I can.
I’m kind of in crisis mode right now. All of my attention is focused on other people, especially my best friend, and I have no time for myself. I don’t have time to break down hell I can’t even take a shower without someone needing me. I guess they could handle it without me, but it would be seriously hard for them to do so. It’s just easier on everyone else if I stay focused on what they need. I think that’s why I use the fake smile (Jack). It makes it easier on them. I know the most important part about taking care of people in need is taking care of yourself, but it just seems really selfish right now to concentrate on myself. UGH! I just feel like she needs me more than I need me. I also think one of my biggest problems is that I don’t want to face my problems. I’m afraid of the skeletons. It seems like it’s easier for me to just mentally run away from my own s***.

First, I agree with you. What Beanow wrote was harsh and I disagree with him/her. Second, I am completely sympathetic. I also have a fake self that I can't seem to get rid of. It is difficult to be anyone else because you've been doing it so long. It will never be easy to shake Jack but you will have to shake him eventually. Yes. The process will be painful. Yes. The process will be long but at least you will finally be you. My advice for taking the first step? Find a pastime (playing the drums, drawing, etc. that you do w/out Jack.). See how that works.

@mislady1234, For the sake of giving hatethestress another perspective as well as for me to see where I might need to explain myself better, I'd like to ask you on what areas and why you disagree with me.

I used to have a fake side myself so I know how this feels but the thing is, it's not like a physical change you want to achieve. It's not like getting rid of your belly by working out and taking a diet and the rest happens by itself. A mental change requires a change of mentality. And in this case this mentality change needs to be a choice. The choice to refuse to hide behind the mask, to stop running away from situations by pretending to be different from who you are. Yes it is harsh, but the simple truth is, if you want to get rid of your mask you have to throw it in the fireplace yourself.

The pastime you suggest is not a final solution but a way to make it a little less scary to throw your mask in the fire. So yeah it will have an effect but it will make it a lot more slow and painful process then it needs to be.

I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings and I believe hatethestress noticed this considering she thanked me in spite of it being harsh.

To you I'm also being quite confronting, not to attack you but since you say you have the same problem I'm hoping this will benefit you. Don't take it personal :)