Its So Hard

sometime i think that i must be the most inconsiderate person in the world. i have brains, looks and a great boyfriend; but i still feel as thought everything might fall apart. there is some sort of darkness festering inside of me. i try to tell them, but i cant make them listen. i don't want to feel like this forever. i feel outside myself. i feel like i have too much self imposed pressure to achieve greatness...i look at the TV but i cant even see it, i know i have school work, but i put it off and put it off and just don't have the motivation to do it. i go to work, go to school, go out with friends and sometimes, for a min, i forget how ****** i feel. but then there it is. it keeps me up a night, so i have meds for that. i have anxiety attacks and feel like i am dying, i have meds for that. i have pain, and i have meds for that. sometimes i cant remember if i took them because i hurt or because i cant stand the way i feel. i want out of here. i want to escape my body/responsibilities. i see a homeless person and think...i am so close to that its not even funny. no one really knows. no one. they know a little, but if i said it they would run. i see so many people that have it so much worse than me, and then i feel guilty. the anxiety and guilt is building up. i don't want to feel like this forever. please don't let me feel this way forever. i felt better when i was doing drugs....at least then i could sleep and did not feel like i was snorting Ritalin all the time making my heart beats so fast, i feel like there is something i am forgetting...but no...anxiety...d e p r e s s i o n....is destroying me

slideways slideways
22-25, F
4 Responses Mar 14, 2010

Yeah keep away from the presc<x>ription drugs. The Drs get a kickback from the pharmasutical companies for hitting a target of prescribeing their pills!

i am feeling better lately...maybe because i just got off a much needed vacation, but i found out some info last night that makes me feel really weird. just found out that my ex husband got not one, but two different girls pregnant within two weeks of each other. i hate him so much and i cannot imagine him being a father. he cant even keep himself out of jail long enough to establish a life for himself...jesus why would god let this dumb *** have kids? he is just repeating his past...dumb dumb dumb ***!

Dont blame god for this. Its ur ex husbands free will and choice that brought this about. Im happy for u that ur no longer with him though.

Sounds to me like life is smacking you up & down....left & right....<br />
I personally feel the meds are the problem. Medication is like sneaky mechanic. Fixes 1 thing, but destoys another. Uppers, downers, thinkers, dumbers....etc......<br />
You must remain focused and stay positive. Keep your will to live. <br />
Stay motivated. Try opening up, here, more..... Everyday if you need to.<br />
We are all here for eachother. Thats why we joined this place.....

i have been in your shoes,i have things only i have shared here and my best friend read my story and after getting over the shock,has been here for me....depression sucks,but you are destroying your self if you get back on drugs,have you talked to your doctor maybe he needs to change your scripts to make coping a little easier....i"m a person you can talk to if you want