So Sick Of Being In Pain!

I am in pain everyday from osteo arthritis and structural damage in my spine, I have suffered with depression for approx 30yrs and have been on anti-depressants since my late teens. I took a break from them only when pregnant( twice), have changed them here and there as the need arose and as they have improved over the years, like any drug you build up a resistance the longer you are on it. I have had counseling on and off over the years, but have struggled to find someone long term that I can afford or that I've got a repore with.

I have two beautiful sons, 8 & 12, both have different fathers, niether stuck around and both don't have contact with their sons for very real and relevant reasons. So I have raised them on my own, made plenty of mistakes but people always comment that they are lovely, intelligent, humorous and vibrant kids, I really try to be the best mum I can be and keep communicating with them as honestly as I can! I have also tried to instill in them the good morals and standards that I was raised with, I have very wonderful parents who are 81 & 84.

I married my soul mate in 1993 after living together for two years, he too suffered depression, sadly we were only married for just over a year and he took his own life. It took me years to start living again, alot of counseling and some support from family and a few friends, there were many times I didn't think I was going to make it. But I have and yes I am grateful that I have my kids who are at times the only reason that I get up every day, after having my kids and after being the legacy of a suicide I couldn't ever give up and leave this world, but there are many times that I wish that I could.

I am never out of pain, yes I have tried every type of pain medication and nothing seems to work, I have been to specialists and am waiting to see a pain management clinic, both my GP and specialist have said that morphine is the last med available to me, but I am raising 2 very needy boys on my own and I can't envisage our life with me whacked out on morphine daily. At present I sleep for 2/3 hrs at night an get my boys up for school, do breakfast & lunches, my oldest who has started high school this year walks to school & home, my youngest I drop off & pick up. I usually try to get a catch up sleep sometime through the day, then pick up my youngest, homework, snacks, they play & dinner & bed.

Most of my evenings are spent watching TV or reading, I have one good friend who spends time with me but I have to pick her up & drop her off or I lend her my car & then when she brings it back in the morning I drop her at work. I have 2 bothers & 2 sisters but all are busy in their own lives and one sister I have had a very torrid relationship with & at present we aren't having any contact. I have over the past 15 or so years had friends all of them I have helped out in many ways & a few I looked after their kids so that they could afford to go back to work, but once they didn't need me anymore I didn't see them. I haven't had a partner since my last sons father, I have had the odd one night stand but only when my kids were staying at grandparents place, & that hasn't happened for years.

So I am in pain and very, very lonely, too tired at night & don't have the money or baby sitters to go out, my mum is about the only one who really wants to know how I am but I don't tell her all as she worries enough about me. I don't hear from my siblings unless I ring them, which I used to do alot but got sick of always being the one to call and never hearing from them. My friend is great but I spend alot of our time together listening to her or helping her out/lending money or my car, my kids love her too and without her friendship I would never have a visitor at my home. I don't really understand how my life got so disconnected & lonely, & my future is bleak as I am becoming more crippled by the day & have been told it will get worse not better.

Not a day goes by that I don't think how lucky I am to be blessed with two such beautiful boys, not a day goes by that  don't worry about our future as my arthritis gets worse, not a day goes by that I think who will love me once my mum leaves this world, not a day goes by that I wonder if I might become even more insignificant bar for the fact I am a mum. I feel old and at the end of my life yet I will be 42 at the end of this year, I shouldn't' be feeling this way at this age.

Anyway this is my story, I hope I haven't bored you to bits!      

locomama locomama
41-45, F
6 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Remember: No matter how bad you think it is, you are a survivor. You are a survivor because you have endured the past, when each tomorrow was only a possibility. You are survivor because when you felt like this before, when tomorrow wasn't even a thought as you tried to get through today; you endured. That makes you, the Survivor one closer step to Heaven.

Its not ur fault. We are all products of this oppressive world society we live in. You just have to deal with it and Keep on Truckin!

Thankyou so much for your lovely comments Shadow111, I'm sorry that you are feeling low, like you I sometimes need to hear how others are feeling to make the focus go from my stuff to feel for there saddness. It also makes me feel less alone & gives me the strength to go on & keep trying!<br />
Hugs back to you!:)

You know its people like yourself that keep me strong - is that selfish of me? I was feeling pretty low up to reading your story and my heart just completely went out to you. You are an inspiration to most of us - you are one strong lady .....big huggsssss to you. Have a wonderful day.....xxxxx

Thankyou usmcvince for your comment,<br />
Yes my lovely boys are & always will be my 1st priority! I know too that I'm not alone in this battle we share with depression, I really hope that you don't keep your feelings & thoughts hidden as that is so distructive and you have found the best forum for getting these emotions out & sometimes that is half the battle fought!?<br />
Take good care & don't worry too much about turning 30, it's just a number, try to make it a priority to enjoy your day & have some fun, do something that makes you feel good, you deserve it!!!!!!<br />
Thanks again & all the very best:) havent bored me at all. Infact I am glad you took the time to share your feelings. Keep posative. Keep the love of your sons as 1st priority. Keep motivated. I am turning 30 this july and I to suffer from depession. The deep down silent kind that I keep hidden away. You are not alone in this fight.... write...share your thoughts and feelings and words of wisdom!!!!!!