Ever Have A Day When Everything Is Good, But Nothing Feels Right?I have been separated for 14 months now. Divorce date is in December. Although I was the one to file, I am really having a hard time, just lately, coming to terms with the reality of it. It's something I never imagined for me or my children. And it's certainly nothing I ever wanted. But after a tumultuous last year and a half of marriage, it seemed the only option available. We have 4 children. My heart breaks for them. It seems selfish and wrong. Divorce robs children of the life they deserve.
About three months ago, my ex came to me pleading for another chance to reconcile. He had broken up, again, with the girl he had been seeing. He really layed it on thick. Called me, texted me, sobbed stories of regret and sadness over what had become of us. Claimed I was and will always be his one and only true love, claimed he realized we were supposed to be together forever and vowed that if I gave him this last chance, he would never leave again and would work through his problems in more responsible ways, but would never leave. He begged me. My phone was loaded with text messages pronouncing his love for me and our family. He said he had been praying and everytime he did, he felt as if God was leading him back to me. Both of us have always felt for our children throughout this and worry about the implications coming from a broken home will have on them growing up.
At the time, I was also seeing someone. I was in, and still am, in a good relationship with this man for about a year now. Still, my soon to be ex husband was pulling at my heart strings. Even though it would have been hard to say goodbye to this wonderful man, I wanted to do what was right by my family and I do strongly value marriage. I agreed to give it another shot, although I did make it perfectly clear that my preference was to seek counseling together before making an impetuous decision like this. But he urged me to break up with Dan as he had with L, after which he insisted we would seek counseling. I broke up with Dan for this greater purpose but was sad about it. It didnt feel right. During this time, he had told me countless times that if I changed my mind that he would not be going back to his girlfriend. He had broken up with her for other reasons, he assured me. Infact, I have heard many, many things about this woman that are negative, from him, for which he used to support his claim of moving beyond her, even if this proposal didnt pan out as he had hoped.
I had a hunch that he wasnt being honest with me about how he had ended it between them. I think he had this grand idea that he would make things work out with us if he could, but leave the door open with her as a back up plan. I didnt think he was being honest with me about their level of communication either. I had a major oppostion to this. For one, I thought its a terrible idea to be evenn the slightest bit dishonest with a wife you are pleading for another chance with. But also, I felt that "L" deserved the truth, as I had given to Dan. It didnt resinate well with me aat all. After three days, I told him it was off. I couldn't get myself to do it. I told him I didnt love him the way I used to.
Well, wouldn't you know it? Within a month of pleading and begging for me back, he not only moved into his gf's house, but also became engaged to her. I think he is afraid of living alone, and potentially being alone. He has always been very insecure, which contributed immensly to our demise as a couple. In my mind, this confirmed that he was lying to me all along. IF only one month after claiming to love me and saying that he'll never be the same without me in his life, he asks another women for her hand in marriage, I conclude he is a hoax. I told him this. HE says no. He claims he was being honest but cannot be alone. He feels he's getting old and although putting his family back together was his preference, he longs to be married again and doesnt want to wait for something that may never happen.
My issue is this: Pathetic as it seems, I think he was being honest abbout his thought process. I know it's unhealthy to propose marriage to a woman when you are not even divorced and begged for your wife back the month prior to, and cannot fathom saying yes to a man who asked me to marry him knowing that I was his second choice. But nonetheless, she did. Which leads any reasonable person to the conclusion that he could not have been fully honest with her. Infact, I'm pretty sure he made me out to be the one that was begging for HIM back!! She wrote me a few choice words at which point I offered to sit down with her and have her read through the hundreds of text logs I still had in my phone would would paint a pretty cleaar picture of the reality of the matter. It's no surprise, I never heard back from her on that.
Now me on the other hand, periodically, Dan brings up marriage. I tell him not to even think about asking me. I'm not divorced yet and I think that to become engaged so soon after having my family fall apart trivializes what we did have and is an attempt to minimize the value it did have. Not to mention, it cannot be a good message to the little children involved.
I dunno. The whole thing is a mess. I am losing my train of thought and as I carry on, I am realizing that I dont even have a clear cut question for anyone who made it this far. All I know is that my emotions are all over the place but I suppose that is normal. A big part of me still does and will always love my husband. It frustrates me that he seems so insecure that it even has the power to rob him of his common sense...and he seems to live in a haze of confusion when it comes to what is appropriate behavior. He's always been insecure and struggles to understand responsibility. Am I wrong for thinking that with having four children involved, it is irresponsible to throw them into the middle of "daddy getting remarried" before mommy and daddy are even divorced? Dont they say to take some time before taking the plunge after divorce? I dunno. Opinions on this are welcome! Maybe it's me. I dunno. But getting married is easy. If I didnt scare the hell out of my boyfriend about asking me, I'd probably be engaged too. But I really dont feel like it would be the right thing to do for me or my children. Thanks, Rebecca