Losing It

Sometimes I wonder if there's any real point to life at all. Well, at least to mine. I hate having to post my problems for everyone to see but I don't dare dump them on my few trusted friends- they have problems of their own. On the outside, I'm always happy, always smiling. I'm the good, quiet girl who obeys her parents, listens in class, Listens to friends rant and Im always pulling off this "perfectly happy" facade.
But on the inside, I'm so hurt. So confused. I can't even begin to explain what I feel. Living in a house where Im constantly put down, hated on, and abused isn't fun. My parents expect perfect- perfect housekeeper, perfect babysitter to my siblings, perfect cook, perfect grades- I have to be perfect. And they know I'm not. They make a point of telling me so. Every godd*mn day.
I've had things happen to me that I really regret but can't change and it bothers me to know I can't change how I feel.
I hate myself in a lot of ways. Mostly because my parents hate me. I learned from them I guess. The names "b*tch, wh*re, c*nt, good for nothing, lazy, ugly," etc etc, are constantly resounding in my head. And the worst part is I believe them.
And another minuscule issue- I always fall for the guys who will never like me back. I often wonder if it's my personality. I know I don't have any looks and am in fact rather ugly, but shouldn't personality mean more? I will always be put in the friend zone and I don't really know how to change that either. This one guy knows I like him but I'm ashamed to admit that it seems like I've been friendzoned again.
Anyway, rant over.
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1 Response May 6, 2012

Yes I can understand, your issue and where the bug stops.