It's Hard Not To Fall Apart

Life is hard, I am tired of being taken for granted by my husband. I am tired of fighting for a little bit of freedom. He was angry because after I did all my chores and took care of everything I started reading a book I love. He is a complete a$$!?!?
LordVoldemort LordVoldemort
36-40, F
41 Responses Oct 15, 2009

@ bitter dregs: thank you very much for such a nice and wise comment, We all deserve a bit of appreciation, I hope it doesn't get there, but I will not sacrifice myself as well.

You're right. IMO, unappreciation is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. When I met steve, I grilled him like he was applying for a job LOL I'd just gotten out of a terribly emotionally abusive relationship. Steve gets excited when i crochet an afghan or attempt to paint or concoct some new unheard of meal. He had also been in abusive relationships. He was surprised when I did'nt get mad when he wanted to read. His X would throw fits when he tried to read because he was'nt paying attention to her. In like form, I can read all I want and he will ask questions about the book which is so refreshing.<br />
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There are other fish in the sea. You may not be willing to give up just yet, and I admire you for wanting to keep it alive, but take care of yourself and if you come to the conclusion life is too short and your husband just is'nt budging and you are unhappy...consider freedom for your sanity and happiness. You have a brilliant mind and seem to be a wonderful person. You deserve someone who will appreciate you.

@ bitterdregs: You are lucky, bad driving is nothing compared to unappreciation.

I've been with guys like you describe. I got lucky this time. Steve is'nt like that. Other than his driving skills I have no complaints. When Steve and I first met I told him point blank. I need alone time. I don't like to be smothered. etc... I laid everything on the line before we got involved of what I would and would not like in a relationship. I'm not sure if that tactic will work after the fact, but sometimes ya just gotta lay it out there.

@ aw8ingf8: thanks, it does suck<br />
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@ ageing thinker: In my case, he really doesn't want to communicate, he just hides behind his job and acts tired when I start a conversation. So sweet to hear you are near you 34 year anniversary, congratulations<br />
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@combook: he is not physically abusive, and if he was I would have left him. I think he needs training, but he thinks he is perfect<br />
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@ Koolau woman: yes it does happen when I do something I like, I think he is jealous,<br />
I give him too much attention, and he doesn't want to give me a little time to myself.<br />
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Thank you ll for your suggestions and kind comment

Try to see just exactly what it is he is looking for when he acts this way. Is there a common thread? Is it happening when you are doing a certain activity and it sets him off? Make the most of your alone time in anticipation when your life partner is home and demanding your attention.

Sometimes, one needs to just stand up for herself. He needs some therapy - or maybe, wife-training. Unless of course he's physically abusive, in which case you oughta move out.

I'm with ElphInSong. My wife often does the same. She finds plenty of time for the kitchen, but less time for me (I eat in restaurants more often than at home, so I don't expect her to be a cook or a servant). It is really difficult to communicate with someone who does not want to. She hides behind her book. Apologies KV - this was the male perspective, "from the other side", as it were.<br />
I had to take a step back, and ask myself what was wrong with my marriage. Plenty of things were wrong, some still are. But I fixed a few and I felt my wife was working towards the same goal of staying together. The intention felt good, by itself. So now, we are using what little life has been left in our emotional connection. This upcomig March, will be 34 years since we first met. This is sad, but in a bittersweet way.

That sucks, LV! I'm sorry! *Hugs*

@ Cosmic Pete: unfortunately he just wants to be the center of my world!

Think he should allow you some freedom to live. If he realises what he is doing is trying to restrict and change you then you won't be the person he fell in love with. Its also a trust and control issue and maybe he is changing because he is losing control in another area of life. Will he open up and discuss the whole freedom issue? He can be the centre of his world and yuou can be the centre of your world and they can happily overlap

Think he should allow you some freedom to live. If he realises what he is doing is trying to restrict and change you then you won't be the person he fell in love with. Its also a trust and control issue and maybe he is changing because he is losing control in another area of life. Will he open up and discuss the whole freedom issue? He can be the centre of his world and yuou can be the centre of your world and they can happily overlap

@ Elf in song: thank you, I think you are absolutely right, I just don't know how I can communicate with him? or make him talk about what's going on in his head

It may well be that he was looking for some alone and personal time with you and you were looking for some "metime" and instead of expressing his desire to reconnect he showed it as anger........sad but a likely clue to the dilema you face with a non- communicative spouse.

@ Asian beach girl, I think you are right, guys just don't get it

i see men on these sites really show their colors. they boast about themselves, dictate how they own you and then wonder why we think the way we do. get a passionate, sincere guy here who truly admires you for what you are and you will have someone.<br />
there are times when i chat with a guy im glad i lean to a girl. they just dont get it.

@ Frito: Thank you very much, I think I have succeeded in making him understand a bit more.<br />
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@ sunstone: That is mostly what I do, it works well, but I think I'll try to talk to him and make him understand as well<br />
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@ The red lady: Thank you, it means a lot

I don't know about thankful V about your situation, but we are in support of all you do. Be careful my friend.

@ Nyxie: that is so true, he does that because he knows I will give in, I shall try that, thanks<br />
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@ The red lady: thank you, I should be very thankful I guess!?!

LV I'm coming to your story late and after reading the comments there are so many good ideas here. I think Nyxie's suggestion makes a great deal of sense (as do many others) I hope he sees the light and there's a positive change in his behavior soon my friend. I admire your conviction and support your determination. Much love my friend.

It can't be easy for you to be such a "modern" woman in your part of the world. To have a husband as mild as he is.....yet still be restrictive. I admire your strength.

@ Fleurina: thank you for the advice, sometimes I feel that way as well<br />
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@MiyukiDoll: sounds like a great reaction, I'll try to do that, thank you<br />
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@emerald: I agree with you, he is more than just alpha male, it's how men are brought up here, and I should say he is a mild one in comparison to others!?!?!<br />
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@ tatpole: thank you for the comment, my husband never hits me, if he ever raise a hand I would divorce him. You are very brave<br />
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@ BlackseaRedBallon: Very well spoken, talking to him when calm and with logic is like the best advice, I am planning to do that<br />
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@ Booorrreedd: thank you for the kind advice, means a lot, I'll definitely try

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you with your husband, LordV. Some people like to use their negative behavior as a way to control their partners. He gets angry when you try to take some time for yourself because he knows it will bother you enough to stop doing it. He wins. Next time this happens (and you know it will), try this: LET him get angry. Smile sweetly and go back to what you were doing as if he wasn't even there. Once he realizes tantrums won't work anymore, he'll probably give it up. YOU win. Good luck, honey.

@ Jacobit: thank you for the great comment<br />
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@ lost1der: well spoken, it is not offensive at all, thank you<br />
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@ Snow bunny: thanks, I hope I get that time for myself as well<br />
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@ Destry: thank you, I should consider that time for myself is very selfish!?!?!<br />
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@ CJPSF5: thanks hugs back<br />
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@ UC, thank you very much, it means a lot<br />
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@ BobFrost: sounds great, I can't wait for your book<br />
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@Jacqn: We work together so that's somehow impossible!<br />
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@ Claire: he is just too bossy

Does he think your neglecting your "domestic duties"? I got that once!

Maybe you can rearrange your day so most of the chores gets done, then you can enjoy yourself while he is away/distracted, then continue chores while in his presence.


LV sorry to hear this. Hope for the best and may all work out for you....

LV- I am so sorry. My ex was like that, anything that didnt involve him getting attention 24/7 and I was being disrespectful. Ugh! What a pain in the a$$. I felt as if I were walking on egg shells all the time. <br />
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I hope you get that much needed time to read and enjoy some things for YOURSELF~ :)

you have to ask yourself - is love really enough and is this how you want to spend the rest of YOUR life... emphasis on the 'your'... <br />
no-one will really have you back in the world like you can for yourself and only you can make the right decisions on how to live... <br />
sorry if this stance offends anyone!

Oh LV we all need time to ourselves, by the sound of things you husband is very demanding. Like you there is nothing I love better that to get my nose into a good book, escape into another world. Why cant men understand that we ALL need time to ourselves, take care and thanks for the post, you are not alone...

you have to just try and compromise with him even if he is a complete *** just try please for your own sake if not just go out with out him knowin you have to try as much as you can to geta bitof freedom xoxo

Freedom is an essential element in a couple's life. It's good thing you're still there struggling to survive under those grueling rules. That means you're strong. I think you have a got to change to change his behaviour with a logical conversation over a peaceful dinner. Just to talk about your life as a couple. You must feel tranquil though, not emotional charched words. Just make him walk in your shoes with logical calm arguments. Don't underastimate the poewer of this, you'll see he will change.<br />
People very often overlook the power of logic into a conversation. Even the craziest people can see clearly the point under the circumnstances I mentioned. But when the words carries emotions like angst and desperation the receiver process them distorted and he reacts by denying them.

Hello there idk bout being married or anything cause i am only a teen but still... i have a aunt that has to go through the same thing but he hits her idk if ur husband hits you but i think they needa grow and get a life!! <br />
I dont see the big thrill in being a ** all the time!! But he needs to learn to treat you better!! I have been a a reltionship where i was hit and i thought i loved him but what i lwas.. was scared so just sdo whats best!! my aunt just trys to do right by helping her man out and he just YE$LLS and gets mad all the time and its pointless you can do better hun

Reading some of your stories this morning... I think He may be just a bit more than an Alpha Male... He borders mentally abusive! Alpha does not equal abuse. Be careful LV! Sounds like the more freedom or self needs you express... the more he's determined you'll NOT have!

I can't give you advice because I haven't been there. I can only tell you what I'd do. I would do what expected of me but still be myself. The best revenge is for you to keep strong and still do the things you love, and be happy! Let him yell at you, smile,walk away! It'll get to him. Don't let him ruin your life.

Many men behave like 5 year olds and he sounds like one. Sorry LV. As I have said before, you deserve better.

It's pointless dear Joephil, your knowledge of people is fantastic, thank you for being so understanding and the great comment

Life is tough perhaps your husband could be more understanding less egocentric but some people don't change so we have to tolerate it's painful. Some men often take their wives for granted and forget to appreciate.<br />
Sorry LV but your husband sounds like a typical Alpha male.<br />
Did you discuss the matter with him or is it pointless?

I guess you are right, he is very bossy and thinks he is the center of the world

It seems to be a common thing with husbands on here.