I Disapppered For A While

I disappeared for a while. 

I haven’t been on EP since my birthday at the end of August. I’ve been trying to think why and then it hit me, avoidance.   What I love about EP is the free space to say all the things I want, anonymously. The problem with that is that without me holding back about how I feel I was suddenly confronted the how I truly feel about myself, my life and the things around me. Truth is I was deeply unhappy.   It was really easy to say to friends and family around me that I was fine when I really wasn’t, but in opening up in an anonymous space I found that I couldn’t keep saying that to myself.   I admitted that I was unhappy in a relatively small fashion, to a bunch of people who don’t care and have no clue about who I am, but having the words out there were hard to face. It made me confront some home truths that I’d been avoiding. So I avoid looking at the things I written on EP, from the trivial to the meaningful. I didn’t like it anymore. I told myself I was bored of the whole experience.   Truth is I wasn’t really living anymore, just floating through. I was avoiding everyone I knew and everyone I didn’t. I was shutting myself away entirely, and I was starting to scare myself thoughts I was having.   In the end I swallowed my fear and decided I needed to talk to someone. Obviously I prefer the anonymous route so I asked my GP to recommend someone.   I decided to come back to EP today not because everything is all better now, but just because I felt like it. I made the choice that I’d rather write more stuff to a bunch of people who still really don’t care, and still have no clue about who I am, than allow myself to fade away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is.... to be fair I'm not sure what my point is.

I just want to say I am still here, and I'm trying to make sure that I don't go anywhere