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I'm Gay And I Hate It!

I'm a 25 years old gay guy. My first fantasy about males that I could remember was when I was about 9 years old, and my first sexual experience with a boy when I was 15 years old. I don't really know WHY I'm gay! Why I like guys and don't like girls? I have every right to know the reason that made me gay and made that person straight, It's not fair at all. I have never been raped or molested when I was a kid, and I can't think of one little reason that could have caused it. I have been in the closet all my life, and coming out is out of the question and will never happen.. Not just because of what will other people think of me, but mainly because I don't feel like being gay is the right thing even though I'm forced to live with it. If you're gay and happy then good for you. But the problem is when you are forced to live with something that you hate.

I know that all the people reading now have this question or a similar one to me: "Why do you think homosexuality is bad or not normal?" My answer is that the idea of two guys together just doesn't seem right to me, even though that's what I want and fantasize about every single day. And I believe that not everything we want is right and normal. I don't think I can explain it to you better than that.

when I see women's private parts I feel disgusted. Excuse me for what I'm about to say.. but when I see them I feel like I'm gonna throw up, and that is supposed to happen when I see other men's private parts not women's! So there is something wrong with me. and as a result of that, there is no way in hell I'm gonna have sex with a girl and like it.

I have had several suicide attempts in the the past 10 years and all of them because I'm gay.. In the past 5 years I have visited 7 different psychiatrists and have tried more than 10 anti depression medications and I still don't feel any good at all, actually I feel worse everyday.

I'm still 25 years old and this is how I feel and have been through so far.. I wonder how it's gonna be like when I'm 35 or 45?! I hope I don't reach that age, because I don't think I would be able to live with myself, unless there will be a miracle that will turn me straight!

It's not all about sex, I just want my heart to beat fast when I see a cute girl, not a cute guy. and feel the sweat in the palms of my hands when she comes closer to me, I wanna be tongue tided when she asks me something while I gaze into her eyes longingly, and to be filled with joy and happiness with her presence.

All I want is to fall in love with a girl!
Is that too much to ask?!
sadness707 sadness707 22-25, M 30 Responses Nov 13, 2011

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My goodness i have the same problem, I pray to god all the time to help fix it but lord I cant seem to turn away, One half says I love it and the other say I hate it, im in pain.

I feel the same way. I read all the responses and I sat here and cried cause I know exactly what you mean. But some of you don't get it. Okay, I am a Christian but I struggle with why a God that loves His children so much, would make them gay when the Bible, His word, condemns it. That makes absolutely no sense to me. But still, I choose to love Him and try to live a holy life. Aside from that, I have basically come to terms that I will forever be unhappy. I have been with guys and girls both (I've had three serious girlfriends and one serious boyfriend, even though I'm closeted and the boyfriend was a secretive relationship). I'm currently talking to another girl and she is completly head over heels for me. She tells me all the time how much she loves me, how sexy I am to her, how much she enjoys my company, and it makes me feel like a jerk cause I cant feel the same way about her. I do love her and I am even attracted to her. But I don't have that "feeling" that heterosexuals get, ya know? There's a guy that I work with and I think he is completly gorgeous and we get along SO WELL. I have debated on asking him several times if he's gay or not (sometimes he can act a little...fruity, if you know what I'm saying. But it's so cute and it's not gross. Guys that act or talk like girls freak me out. But he acts straight mostly, which is a huge turn on for me). Anyways, I fantasize about him quite a lot and I just get this feeling and I love it. And then I think about the girl I'm talking to and I don't get the same feeling. It sucks! Why me? I will probably never get to experience what true love really is. I'll have to put on an act for the rest of my life. It's so unfair. I know "life is unfair," but this really just tears me apart. I want to experience the excitement of love. The passion of sex, and the little things lovers experience. But I will never be able to. If I do it with a girl, I won't get the "feeling" I keep mentioning, and if I do it with a guy, I'll get the "feeling" but I'll feel like I'm doing something wrong. So either way, I'll be unhappy, and it sucks. I guess I'm forced to live my life acting out as if I'm straight even though I'm crushed and broken on the inside. I can never come out. My family would be devistated and I would hate myself for it. I also just think it's wrong. I can't just "stop hating myself and accept who I am." It's not that simple. Trust me, I've tried. That's what I was doing when I got my boyfriend. I was trying to accept myself and just be happy. But I wasn't. I was even more miserable. I felt dirty and my conscience was constantly bothering me. I have no answer, and I don't believe there is one. As depressing as that is, that's what I think. Stay strong bro. Good luck in life and know you're not alone.

I pray you find the truth and a solution that heal and works for you! . There is only one truth in everything! When you do my friend, you will know how to conqour this problem you feel you have! And only then! Many people feel how you feel! You must remember that love and self worth play vital roles in any form of change for that specific one who wants to initiate it ! I wish you luck , I pray you find your fix! Change takes time! And it hurts and is hard work! But I does and can happen if you believe it! Hard road ahead but possible! My heart is hurt for you! A slave to ones desires when believed wrong is a fearful thing! Good luck.....

I am the same way and I'm 38 it sucks not to have human contact. I too find a vagina to be gross I could never eat one but I would take a guy... idk its all confusing and when u want to u can't find the right friend... stuck in the middle like u and it suck I'm almost 40 and don't have anyone thanks for the stigmas everyone.. were all fkd

By the way I'm sick of stigmas and after 38 years redy to come out but ik my bf would disown me and my parents wouls hate me but I been this way since I was 7 years old... I guess ik what I want but too afraid oflosing relationships to engage... its efd up! But I'm dealin with it.. even my bf don't understand I tried to tell him but he is stuck in bull ****

I know this is very controversial, but there's groups called "Exodus International" and "Exodus Global" for people who don't want to be this way which approaches it not as genetic but as a social problem (there's another group called "Reduce Fear".) Some non-religious people join them too. There are many ways to approach anything of course, and this is one of the ways. Many people claim that this approach helped them and they actually began to develop feelings for the opposite sex. Naturally, everyone is different. If I were in the situation, I'd probably give it a try (I first found out about this group when a friend was very stressed and looking for something like this). Sorry again if this topic is very sensitive.

Just to add, in case someone thinks this "social" approach is only religious, there is also an atheist, humanist psychiatrist who wrote many books against the biochemical theory as having all the answers to human personality issues called Thomas Steven Szasz (his books are also very controversial but did a lot to reform Psychiatry) who also believed that being gay had a social rather than a genetic link, although he respected the person's choice in whichever direction he or she chose to take and believed it was possible to go in either direction out of choice and the right approach (or technique to change) for that person.

People... Do not use the lord's name as a reference to your gay rights! That's heresy! The bible itself is against being gay.. And to you good sir..everyone is different. Why you are I don't know why but still know that you are special...

I know I love being sexual with other men, even though it may be perverted and unnatural

Used to it I guess....I hated being gay for many years but now I feel I just settled into it. I am comfortable sexually with both sex but find I am attracted to and more comfortable in the company of men. You can't fight your feelings so just enjoy the ride....

Nobody is born feeling bad about themselves, so who taught you to hate yourself?
You must search the truth if you want to be happy. The truth is scary at times, remember when the church taught the earth was flat and killed those who said it was round?

From your post, you sound like you are in a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. You don't deserve to hurt. But you also don't deserve to live your life as a fraud. You were created as you are and to reject it is to tell God he doesn't know what he's doing. God in his/her infinite wisdom made you gay; embrace it and start enjoying your life. You'll be glad you did.

Why are you gay? Well, why are some people left-handed? Answer: That's the way their brains are wired. It may be frustrating at times, but the world is beginning to accept that millions of people are oriented that way. Once YOU can accept it, you'll get the heart flutter and the sweaty palms when you find that special guy, and life will be good for you.

Hey if you are open to it, read the broken image by Leanne Payne. You aren't the only one who feels this way and there is hope.

You! You couldn't be more EXACTLY LIKE ME if you TRIED! I feel the exact way and everyone always tells me, "oh your kidding yourself, just be gay, that's who you are". But, I know like you, that it isn't and can't be right. I feel the same about genitals as you do and wanting to just feel the same about girls as I do men. I have a theory as to why we are like this and there is hope, I KNOW IT! I would really love to talk more with you because I feel a strong bond with your experiences being so similar.. I wonder if you have face book? well I would like to tell you my real name and how to reach me online but I don't know how to do that without everyone seeing it. Got any Idea's.. Let me know if you are interested. We can figure something out.. Hope to ttyl. :)

I feel much the same way you guys do.

Wow, I am gay, gay, gay since I first sucked a you know what when I was 5 and I have had so many wonderful sexual experiences and so much fun. I would never give up this special life no matter how jealous and mean other people and stupid religions or whatever can be.

Well; why not(did not notice anyone with this advice) try going to a gay group for people like yourself(cannot think of the group now i do know there is several) who are experienceing the same denile(?) you are and if nothing else you might just make some friends--please think about and good luck==John

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT BRO!

i feel the same way.... i hate it, i really wish i wasn't gay, but... you have to accept yourself, because if you don't accept yourself.. who will?... i should apply that too, since i am a closet gay :/, but hey, it's easier to give advice than do it yourself :)

I am also deeply in the closet about being a ******, because even now, most people consider man to man sex a perversion. I guess I agree with that even though I love it ALOT!

A very sexy woman who connects to you in another way, whether spiritually or mentally, might just do something for you, but she will have to understand that you'll always be gay as well. You may find this surprising, but there are straight guys who also find women's privates disgusting to look at, just as there are for sure also straight woman who feel the same about men's privates. You don't need to look at them during sex and some even prefer to have sex in the dark. There will have to be understanding for this in the relationship too. <br />
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But a woman like that would be hard to find and you probably won't be successful at changing your nature, so it would be a better use of your time to find a way to change your beliefs regarding two guys being together. Start keeping a record on a computer file about your struggle and by the time you're 35 you may be able to write a very interesting and helpful book. Depression is often caused by an anxiety about where your life is going or the purpose of it. One day, your book may save thousands from suicide who are going through the same experiences. The last two paragraphs of your post on Jan 25th could also be turned into a song, that will make people cry when they hear it! Hope this helps.

You want to change your nature and that will be hard/impossible. Please dont waste your life and start enjoying what you have!

Although homosexuality is becoming better understood and accepted, this is still a primarily heterosexual world. You and I would like to be part of it, but we never will. Don't beat yourself up about something you can't change.

Um I know that I may never be the person to ever tell u this because I am younger than you and I am a closet, but u shouldn't take any kind of anti-depressant because all they do is cause a short "happiness" (or it does nothing) then they make u feel like nothing afterwards. U should one day think of all the pain and hatred in your life and cry it all out or tear it all out, then after u do this u may feel better because I do i a lot. I know it may sound stupid and it sounds like it may make everything worse but u should just try it because I fell like when I do it I am remind myself of why I am still here, why I should keep going on in my life, and all the obstacles that I have gone through. That may not make any kind of sense but when u do this also have positive thoughts of the loving things, memories, and events that have happened to u. Also have these loving thoughts after ur are done going through ur pain because it will give u reason to remember why u live and it will give u brighter light in ur self.<br />
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I have never attempted suicide but I have always thought about it. The reason why i have never attempted it was because I thought of all the people I would hurt if I have tried it. U should think of those who love u, even though they may never love u because of who u are but they will always cry and be hurt because of ur pain. If u don't have anyone who cares for u in any kind of way then think of u attempting suicide as a way of lowering ur self to those around u. I am not sure if u are a person who doesn't care if u lower ur self, but I will assume that u are a person who does not like to be looked at as weak because look at u now u still live and u still are living by each day u go on. Don't let ur pain get to u because u will forget those around u and how they will feel if u were hurt.( I hope that u understand what I mean when people are going to be hurt if ur hurt, if ur not then I just suck at laying things out sorry) U should find some u can tell ur pain to so they can also comfort u. If that does not work u should try writing ur pain down in a book or something like that. This one may be kind of stupid but I think it is useful because it helps me, u should try putting ur pain in an artistic form like painting, drawing, spray painting, sculptures and clay art etc. These may help, even thought they sound useless u can try it when u are in a lot of pain. Even if u have no artistic skill, art from someones true emotions becomes amazing art ( even if this art if not amazing it will show that pain that u carry) If this helps I am willing to help carry your pain with u, it is kind of stupid of me to ask u this because u have no idea who i am. I have always chosen to take my friends pain with me so they can have it easier in life. I am willing to be a friends and take some of ur pain. This is lame of me to say because it is probably very awkward for a stranger to say this to another person and because I am younger but it may help if u try. ^_^ <br />
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Um I have gone out with other girls but never felt a thing from it but if u want to feel that way then u should try finding a girl u respect and try to make an relationship of it. I am not saying this will work but its worth the chance right? If that doesn't work then u can try going out with a guy that feels and understands u. I read that u don't like the idea of two guys together but u can always try it and an internet relationship is a try so no one can find out. If u feel the connection and it makes u happy then go for it even though it may make u feel a little awkward but always think that it makes u happy. ^_^ <br />
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I know getting information from a younger person is the dumbest thing to do at but u should try if u are willing. U may never know if it will make u happy. ^_^<br />
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These are things that I think may help, if they don't then I am sorry for giving u useless ideas and information.

when I wrote "feeling that way" I was referring to the feeling of interest and attraction. Sorry for the mess up.

I mean that if u want to feel interested and attracted to a girl go for a girl that u respect. Sorry again for the mess up.

Thank you so much for everyone who read and commented on my story. I really appreciate it. I read every single comment and PM I got very carefully, I read them with my heart. You guys give me hope to carry on.<br />
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I spent a lot of time and money trying to be a heterosexual guy. I tried different kinds of Aversion Therapy. I even tried some kind of shock therapy to get rid of my homosexual thoughts. I don't really know if it would work with other people, but it sure didn't work for me! And now when I look back and remember what I have been through and What I tried to do to change my sexual orientation, I don't really know whether I cry or laugh! Because now I realize that I have been wasting my time, and that there is no escape from my homosexuality what so ever.<br />
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I'm still struggling with my homosexuality. I still have this weird pain in my chest every time I see a handsome guy, and I feel like I want to burst into tears. Life is hard, but we just have to wait and see what tomorrow hides for us.

You're a sad and pathetic man. You're a homosexual and you don't want to be, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Not all the prayers to your god, not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you've go left to live. You may one day be able to know a heterosexual life if you want it desperately enough, If you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. But you'll always be homosexual as well. Always. Until the day you die.

What I said wasn't hateful, wasn't inappropriate, and most certainly wasn't rude. That was the truth, the bitter truth which no closeted homosexual would like to hear or read. I wasn't attacking anyone, I just simply told him what others won't tell him.

I don't believe that homosexuality is a choice, it's in one's nature. The choice is whether he expresses his nature truthfully or spends the rest of his life lying about it. It annoys me when I see a homosexual who would rather live miserably all his life than accept himself and be happy.

@jake159
Do you know what I did when I heard -for the first time- that qoute from "The Boys in the Band" which you wrote in your reply? I cried my eyes out because of how true it is. Yes you're right! I'm a sad and pathetic man. I admit that I'm a homosexual and I don't want to be, and I'm well aware that there's nothing I can do to change it, hence the depression I'm suffering from. However, you have to understand that not every homosexual is proud and happy with his homosexuality. There are homosexuals who suffer, who don't want this, who want to be like the majority of guys in the world. We can't help it, we tried to, but we couldn't accept it.

Thanks for your honesty.

I just realised u posted this on the day my grandma died - the irony is uncanny....

I agree with DGen:) I think i might be gay (undecided:S) and I know that if one day I do declare myself gay, I wouldnt be proud of it :L heterosexuals arent proud to be hetero so why should a gay be proud of being gay? there aren't straight "prides" so why be there gay prides. Although I do think that gay people getting together and talking about their experiences is a good idea (like this website for eg) :) I am also very religious - in fact my grandma was a cathecist (she died 13 nov 2011) and she did EVERYTHING for God and I know that as she looks down on me now she is probably ashamed of what her first grandson turned out to be:( but all ive got to say is that I think accepting who u are is for the best:) Trying to change who u are can do more damage(hence ur suicide attempts) so if I were u I would simply look at life differently:) Accept who u r cos u dont have to prove anything to anybody and its your life. Do what u wanna do with it:) Im 14 so obviously i still have time to figure things out but I think u should come out. Can I ask if you have ever kissed a girl? cos if u have and u didnt like it then its pretty clear that ur gay - but if u havent then maybe u should experiment a little bit and see if ur opinion changes? :) let me know how things progress?:)

I hear you sadness...it was not a choice so you have nothing to feel guilty about...this lifestyle --when you really look at it -- has very little positive to offer...but if you find the right person who will be there for you to lean on and a role model to be a truly decent person, that's what's important. I'm in my 40's, masculine in shape and good looking, and I reject most of the things I see in this lifestyle...the irony of gay "pride", with so much of ot being sleazy and shallow, ...what are they proud of?<br />
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feel free to drop me a line...it is a tough life at times...but we all have our crosses to bear...maybe there will be a special reward for the road we were given to struggle with...I still think if I fall in love, it will be incredible....but finding that one in a million guy who feels the same way I do and rejects this gay lifestyle instead of selling out to it, well, that;s what my dream is. just us loving each other without the sad stereotyical subculture...that is our choice to reject. BE STRONG.

Im lucky to have met someone(a guy) who accepts me for what and WHO I am..

I feel exactly the same way and it sucks. We're stuck with these feelings that we don't want and accepting something we don't want is so hard to do. As I get older, it seems harder and harder to deal with being alone forever, even though I want to take the same path as you. I never really expected this to happen and now I really don't know whether to come out or not.

I know what you're going through...27, uk, same situation

I dont know why your gay and why I am gay and that started at age 12. I am now 54. its not your fault and all I know is that its a chemistry thing or desire ---the want to , which is not your choice anymore than the chemistry involving the foods you like the taste of. not everyone likes the taste of the same foods, . its a mystery and you dont have the answer but the food chemistry and sex chemistry are not choices. I dont like being gay but i am . its what you do with it that matters.

PS: :D Just don't hate yourself!

Ermmm......interesting....<br />
There some things that i do not understand....first you are saying that there is no way in hell that you are going to have sex with another girl....not ever. In the same time you are wishing to fall in love with a girl...? (you have actualy given yourself the answer.....it will never happen...). <br />
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Anyway from what i see, or understand (idk if my understanding is correct), but you actualy hate yourself, you hate what you are....this is about acceptance. You accepting yourself.<br />
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Killing yourself...? I am not gonna comment on that! Onestly!<br />
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The thing is that you know you are gay, just that you dont accept yourself as being gay. You just have to accept yourself as being one and dont see it as a bad thing. (who the **** knows what is normal?). Well we all do lol :)) Normal is what the majority of the people from one society act and accept as being right! What it is normal now it wasn't normal in the past, or it won't be normal in the future. For example being gay was widely accepted and promoted in the acient greek society, and through other civilizations in the past. OK enough of this ****...lol :)) I am not here to lecture about what it means being gay or if it is good or bad! An no way i am not intending to promote it!!<br />
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You have to deal with it, you can choose to ignore it (the gay thing :P), but it wont go away, you will just ignore it, but it will gather a lot of pressure inside you (not acting upon the thing that makes you who you are), and at one point it will burst......and it might not be pretty (you migh wake up being 50 years old and regret your past)...that would be a shame.. :(<br />
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Well...in the end what ever advice we might give you.....it all comes to you! <br />
But i guess that what i have just sayid is nothing new under the sky.. :)) <br />
All the best dude! Take care!