Trapped.

I am gay. I know that for a fact. I like girls. I might like guys, but I don't really think so... But the problem is, I can't tell my family. They wouldn't understand. Once, someone asked my mother if my brother was gay(he isn't), and she freaked and said, "No he isn't, don't ever say that about a member of my family again!" And she went on and on about how he isn't gay and that if he was she would kick him out of the house and that it's horrible. She thinks that something had to have gone wrong in someone's life for them to be gay. She always says, they must have been born with something wrong in the head, or that something must have happened to them in their childhood (molested, rapped) for them to be the way they are. She gets angry whenever she see's that there's a movie/television series portraying a gay relationship because she thinks is wrong, and she says society is making it look cool for kids to be gay and that they should show it as wrong, not as okay. My best friend, (guy) knows I'm gay. He's also gay. We pretty much came out to each other on the same day when I had just broken up with a guy because I knew I didn't like him like that, since I was gay. The way it happened, was, my best friend and I went to the movie theaters to see the movie that was being released, and I was planning on telling him. Then, after I told him, he told me that he was also gay and has been wanting to tell me for a little over a week now. He even said he thought I liked him before :). My ex boyfriend also knows, he said he figured it when we broke up and how I was acting, and that he had just never payed attention to it before since we were in a relationship. He told a few people, which hurt, because I had trusted him not to tell anyone. He told his two best friends, a guy and a bisexual girl. I knew something was up when she started texting me flirty messages and calling me beautiful. Then she was talking about this girl she liked and how she had never told her she liked her because she thought the girl was straight. I knew she was talking about me, but I was also afraid to say anything, because what if she wasn't talking about me, and then she would know I was gay. (At this time, I thought only my 2 best friends a guy and a girl had known, because I hadn't known that my ex had realized I was gay and told his two friends.) So I kept IMing her, confused as to if she was talking about me or some other gay girl, and then she was like, "Should I tell her?" and I said, "Yea, you never know what could happen," and then she was like, "(my name), I like you." And I felt a bunch of emotions like, excited, and nervous and scared and confused. I was so excited because a girl actually liked me, and she was a really pretty girl, that I could like(I hadn't really had a crush on her, because I hadn't known her that well before, but now I do), But I was also scared and confused because, how had she found out, how many other people knew? I asked her how she found out I was gay, and she said my ex had told her. I texted him and asked him how he found out and he told me by the way I acted and the way I look at people? He said "don't worry, you hid it well." And I was angry, because he had told other people and acted like it was fine. I was soo angry at him that night, livid. But then I kept texting the girl, and I started to have a crush on her, and she asked if I wanted to go on a date, and if I wanted to go to prom with her, but I told her no. I told her I wasn't ready to come out and I was sorry. She stopped texting me after that. Then a few minutes later, my ex boyfriend texted my saying, "people confuse me sometimes." I knew he was talking about me and what happened with the girl, but I still texted him back asking what he meant. To sum up out conversation, he asked why I didn't want to come out, and I told him about what it was like at home, but I don't think he understood. He said, "Well, sorry to be blunt, but I think that's stupid." It made me really mad because he didn't understand, he didn't know anything about what it's like. If I came out, my mother would never look at me the same again. She would kick me out of the house. I don't care that my friends know, I don't care if the whole school knows I'm gay, but if they did, it would get back to my parents, because this is a REALLY small town. And I can't let that happen. I told him that, and he said, "Well your mother's wrong." And I was thinking, yes, I know that, it doesn't change the fact that if she knew I wouldn't live in her house anymore. Yes she's wrong, that doesn't mean I'm going to come out. He kept pressuring me to come out, and eventually I stopped texting him because I started becoming to much, every conversation would end with him telling me how my decision was wrong, and that I shouldn't be afraid to be who I was, well I'm NOT. I'm gay!!! I know it, but I wan't a place to live. It would leave me angry, and I just didn't want to have to deal with it anymore, so I stopped texting him. Everything was fine for about a month, I wasn't talking to my ex boyfriend, I wasn't talking to the bisexual girl, and I could just go back to the way it was before I got in a relationship with him and everything got messed up and confusing. But then, she texted my randomly saying "would you still want to go on a date with me?" and I texted her back saying "No, but I want you to know that I still like you, but I also still feel the same way about people finding out i'm gay." She said, "Yea, i've been thinking about that, and think that, if you want to, we can date in secret until your ready." I wanted to do that so bad, but I knew I wouldn't be coming out in high school, not until I left for college, and I didn't want to do that to her. Put her in a relationship where she would have to keep quiet the whole time, and it just hurt. I wanted to have a relationship so bad, to be happy, but I know that my parents would never accept me for who I am. I just wanted her to stop liking me, so that I wouldn't hurt her. She keeps saying she'll wait for me, that I'm worth it, but i'm not. She would have to be in a secret relationship for her whole highschool career. I'm not going to do that to her, but I don't want to tell her I don't like her, because that's not true. I'm just so confused. And to make matters worse, last week, she posted a big long facebook status about how she was gay, and everyone could know that and everything, and right underneath that, in the comments, my ex had wrote, "Now if only everyone were like that." It made me hurt and angry, but of course I didn't say anything to him because I didn't want people to know. But now everything confusing, and I just want to know what to do to make it stop.
Luckydae7 Luckydae7
18-21, F
2 Responses May 6, 2012

Parents sometimes freak out when they learn that their child is gay because they think it somehow reflects on them, that they did something wrong. Religion also can be a big stumbling block to acceptance. However, most parents love their children enough to accept it gracefully. <br />
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Look forward to the day when you can go out on your own and live somewhere else - and not in a small town. Then you can be yourself without apologies. There is nothing wrong with being gay, just as there is nothing wrong with being left-handed. It is part of who you are.

Sweetheart there is a root to every problem, I have many friends with the wrong sexual orientation, do not feel alone or scared. Coming from the many personal experiences being gay is just an escape, if it is an escape let your heart heal. There is always a reason and it just takes time to let your heart mend itself back together. Know that you are loved. There is a God who created you to be fearfully and wonderfully made, you are precious and your heart is not invisible to him.

It's not an escape, it's who I am. But thanks for the reply :)