Gay And Alone

I realised I was gay when I was 17 and stayed in 'the closet' for a long time. I just recently 'came out' before I turned 24 and this was only to the immediate family members I live with - nobody else. Although I feel a sense of relief after coming out to these few people, as I was incredibly depressed and at one point suicidal whilst being closeted, I still feel very alone and lost.

I don't have any gay friends and feel alienated from the gay community. I am not an extrovert character and feel that anything associated with LGBT groups always has to be very loud and very proud. I am neither of these things. I also don't fit the 'stereotype' of a typical lesbian which also makes life very difficult. Other than the fact that I have had no serious boyfriends, no one assumes me to be gay. I am very feminine and look very 'straight'. I am also only attracted to feminine women which seems very rare in the gay community, as a lot of lesbian women seem to be attracted to more butch looking women. I struggle to get the concept of why you would want to date a woman that looks like a man when you're fundamentally not attracted to men. I know this is a homophobic thing to say but this is the problem I am faced with: I am gay and I am homophobic. I do not want to be gay. I cannot accept the fact that I am gay. I have no gay friends to talk to, no straight friends who I feel comfortable confiding in and feel very depressed at the thought that I will probably be alone forever. I've never had a girlfriend but fell in love with a girl at 17 who was (of course) straight and barely noticed the fact that I existed.

I recently, after much encouragement from family, got in contact with the LGBT society at my university in the hopes that talking to someone might help. Although they have contacted me back and have been very friendly, the whole of my being doesn't want to go and mix with them. I guess being around gay people will either make me feel even more alone because I won't fit in with them or I'll see a reflection of what I am and want to run even further away. I want to have a girlfriend and feel this is probably the only way I can be saved from feeling so awful but I don't want to put myself out there and would rather hide away from it all. I feel so self conscious about being gay and despise the fact that the label of 'the lesbian' will forever be the definer of me to anyone that knows. I want to be strong, I want to fight and I don't want to waste my life away but every day I just feel more alone and more weak.
ultraviolet7 ultraviolet7
22-25, F
5 Responses May 15, 2012

You are not alone!

Firstly, i think part of your "homophobia" is for the same as any one else - you grew up in a straight world. A world that suggests an attractive women should be this and that, and similar for men. A world that looks down on homosexuals. It is hard to break out of this mindset created since you were young. It is difficult, but not impossible.

It is difficult, but life is long and gives you ample time to try and fail. It sucks that we have to walk this path of hardship. It does suck, i know. But keep on trying, it only gets easier with experience.

Lean on your family, depend on your friends. Open up to them, it is hard - but they will be your rock. And do not fear being labelled "the lesbian". It will normalise in peoples minds overtime, and they will simple treat you and you.

I understand completely how you feel, and i have such love for you as a human being who is also struggling the same struggles i am. You may feel weak at times, but deep down you are stronger than you think!!

Thank you so much for your reply - I've only just read the responses to my post as I somehow forgot about it over time but an email notification this morning led me back to it. I wrote this post 3 years ago and can't believe how much has changed since then. I have had a girlfriend for 18 months now - we just bought a house together and I am so, so happy. Reading my post feels like I'm reading a different persons thoughts now. But thank you so much for your reply and kind words of encouragement - it means the world.
(P.S. I actually ended up setting up an LGBT advice channel on YouTube if you're interested in having a look and seeing my journey: www.youtube.com/ultravioletblack07) Thank you again :)

i am too. text me 253 507 2173

I'm so sorry I only just read your response. Had I seen it at the time I would have definitely got in contact! I hope you're doing better than you were a couple of years ago. I ended up setting up an LGBT advice channel on YouTube - please check it out if you're interested in hearing my journey or would still like to talk: www.youtube.com/ultravioletblack07

Although I have friends and am respected in my community, even have held public office, no one really knows me. I have lived my life alone. I blame being gay for this, but perhaps it's really just some poor choices I've made. <br />
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If I had it to do over again, would I have the guts to let the world know who I really am? I'd like to think I have enough to offer to find a happy life as a gay man, but it would mean a different career and a different circle of friends, and I'm too set in my ways to change.<br />
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You're younger. You can make the change and you have the time to build a new lifestyle. Go for it! Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes! Don't live your life being alone. Don't live your life being alone....

Thank you so much - you were absolutely right. I'm not alone any more.
www.youtube.com/ultravioletblack07

I feel the same way, there are very few gay guys at my school and the ones who are are nothing like me so I have no common ground with any of them. Believe me, you are not alone in your struggle

Thank you so much for your words of support. Sorry I'm 3 years late in my reply - I have an LGBT advice channel on YouTube now so please feel free to check out my story and get in contact if you'd like someone to talk to: www.youtube.com/ultravioletblack07

your time is running same as mine

"Carpe Diem". Thank you :)