My Struggle With Being A Lesbian....I figured out that I was 'different' when I was just 9 years old. I would notice cute girls in the class and try to get their attention. When I grew a little older, I would flirt with them. I thought these feelings would go away. I thought I would be a "normal" person when I grow up with "normal" feelings. But it wasn't until I turned 15 did I realize that I was a lesbian and that I wasn't the only person in the world with these weird feelings. That's when my struggle began. Trust me, ignorance is bliss.
I belong to a conservative Indian society, where homosexuality doesn't even exist. More than 95% of my country doesn't even know what homosexuality is, forget about disapproving it. Until 2009 (I'm guessing), homosexual acts were illegal. You could be arrested for kissing a person of same sex. How was I to survive in this society? A society where everyone is in the closet because they fear they will never be accepted by their parents, society, friends and family.
I decided I would never come out to anybody. But I was a butch and someday somebody would surely figure it out. It was hard to hide.
I was treated like **** by my so called 'friends' in the hostel just because I was "different". I'm gonna be completely honest, it was partly my fault because I was a teenager and got all touchy-feely with them. But hey! I was a teenager!
My mom and I went for a walk one day and she threatened that she would disown me if I didn't stop dressing and behaving like a boy. She told and these are her exact words "You are not a boy and you better stop behaving like one". Today, 10 years from then and I still remember that day.
I was bullied at school by the boys. They called me a eunuch and what not. They didn't know I was gay. They were too ignorant for their own good.
There were times when I thought of killing myself. I even tried once and failed. There are still days when I think that it would be so much easier to kill myself. And hope that.. maybe, just maybe, in my next life, if there is one, I will be born as a straight person. A person who doesn't have to lie about who he/she is to get by life happily.
Sometimes I wonder.. Why are there gay people? Why can't everyone be straight? Don't get me wrong. I don't hate the FACT that I'm gay. I'm proud to be gay. But I HATE the way society treats gay people. Why was I born gay? Why was I born Indian? Why was I born to a dominant mother and cheating perverted father? There's not a single day that goes by without me wishing that I could UNDO my whole life.
But then, there's always hope. Recently, I came out to 3 of my best friends. We have been friends for more than 8 years now. They were more than supportive and still are. This gives me hope. If 3 of my friends can accept me, in coming days, the society, which will made of people like my friends who are not ignorant, arrogant or homophobic, too will accept people like me.
I just hope I live to see that day. The day when the whole world accepts homosexuals as equals.
sri1990 22-25, F 6 Responses 2 Sep 24, 2012