My Struggle With Being A Lesbian....

I figured out that I was 'different' when I was just 9 years old. I would notice cute girls in the class and try to get their attention. When I grew a little older, I would flirt with them. I thought these feelings would go away. I thought I would be a "normal" person when I grow up with "normal" feelings. But it wasn't until I turned 15 did I realize that I was a lesbian and that I wasn't the only person in the world with these weird feelings. That's when my struggle began. Trust me, ignorance is bliss.
I belong to a conservative Indian society, where homosexuality doesn't even exist. More than 95% of my country doesn't even know what homosexuality is, forget about disapproving it. Until 2009 (I'm guessing), homosexual acts were illegal. You could be arrested for kissing a person of same sex. How was I to survive in this society? A society where everyone is in the closet because they fear they will never be accepted by their parents, society, friends and family.
I decided I would never come out to anybody. But I was a butch and someday somebody would surely figure it out. It was hard to hide.
I was treated like **** by my so called 'friends' in the hostel just because I was "different". I'm gonna be completely honest, it was partly my fault because I was a teenager and got all touchy-feely with them. But hey! I was a teenager!
My mom and I went for a walk one day and she threatened that she would disown me if I didn't stop dressing and behaving like a boy. She told and these are her exact words "You are not a boy and you better stop behaving like one". Today, 10 years from then and I still remember that day.
I was bullied at school by the boys. They called me a eunuch and what not. They didn't know I was gay. They were too ignorant for their own good.
There were times when I thought of killing myself. I even tried once and failed. There are still days when I think that it would be so much easier to kill myself. And hope that.. maybe, just maybe, in my next life, if there is one, I will be born as a straight person. A person who doesn't have to lie about who he/she is to get by life happily.
Sometimes I wonder.. Why are there gay people? Why can't everyone be straight? Don't get me wrong. I don't hate the FACT that I'm gay. I'm proud to be gay. But I HATE the way society treats gay people. Why was I born gay? Why was I born Indian? Why was I born to a dominant mother and cheating perverted father? There's not a single day that goes by without me wishing that I could UNDO my whole life.
But then, there's always hope. Recently, I came out to 3 of my best friends. We have been friends for more than 8 years now. They were more than supportive and still are. This gives me hope. If 3 of my friends can accept me, in coming days, the society, which will made of people like my friends who are not ignorant, arrogant or homophobic, too will accept people like me.
I just hope I live to see that day. The day when the whole world accepts homosexuals as equals.
sri1990 sri1990
22-25, F
5 Responses Sep 24, 2012

Hey there, being a lesbo is absolutely fine..I am also an indian, but i am bisexual. I know how hard it was for u. I was also puzzled when I didn't knew I was bi.
good to see you on EP :)

its not us or our preferences, its the society and the people who perceive homosexuality the way it shouldn't be... i really felt your story and i have had the same experiences. I came out too...and im loving it... :)

You are who you are an I will except you as you are. ;-)

hey m from india aswell n i totally understand ur feelings..just chill..der r many ppl out der very similar to u which includes me too..v r all here to support each other..

I know what are you going through.. Iam in your shoe... Being a gay is really tough in india. Here where people have problems with love marriages of straight people will in no way accept the gay maariages any time sooner... But hey my mantra of life is... "If you cant adapt the surrounding you are staying in... then better rehabituate yourself to a lace where you can find yourself in peace...". One fine day iam going to come out. I will come out little late... But i will come out for sure to my loved one's... Iam no longer interested to stay in india... No offence! I love this place... But it doent love me the way iam... So fine day iam moving out...