It Is So EasyAlready for a year or two whenever feeling sad and questioning myself I have always had this feeling that I want to write down my feelings, as writing a letter or an e-mail. And then just click "send". Maybe I just consciously understand that I should not be upset of being gay and send those feelings away, but this is the first time when I have realised that I need to share this with someone. And even if no one read this, I will still feel better. Hopefully.
I guess my life and feelings I have are not that different from the most gay people around the world. I have realised that I am gay pretty early and accepted it just as a way of being different. You don't even need to repeat to yourself that it is ok being gay, simply, you don't feel any different from anyone else. But here's the trick. Going through puberty knowing that you are gay and living with it are two different things. I must say I grew up in a quite homophobic country, where a word "gay" or "homosexual" is still kinda tabu even though we are at European Union. At school, instead of being called gay, I was bullying others and acting as masculine as possible, though after school I was dating guys. I have also had a girlfriend at school, just not to be even remotely associated with gay people. Even though I was struggling with all this, I have sometimes faced with rumours that someone thinks I might be homosexual. Though it's true, my heart always stops for a second, the ground just starts spinning around and simply my mood is gone for the rest of the day or two. I came out for few of my friends at school and they were actually really ok with that. I feel good about telling someone who is close to me that I am gay, but everytime I say it, I feel that person starts to look at me differently.
I thought that at university everything will be different. It was the same story as at school. I was denying any suspicions about my sexuality. Though I made some friends at university, who knew about me. It felt like I am at the same rollercoaster but in a different seat.
Then I have decided to take few semesters abroad, because definately anywhere else but in my country, the situation will not be the same. And I was really wrong here. I have spent half a year in Hungary, half a year in South Korea, few summers in the USA. And everywhere I felt ashamed of being gay and I would have never wanted anyone to know about me. And everywhere I have heard rumours about me being gay.
I do not deny it, you can tell if I am gay or not if you spend some more time with me. I am not afraid to be creative and think out of a box, to say sorry or to admit my own mistakes, I do not really have this shyness issue talking to anyone (any girls or guys) and if I feel comfortable and relaxed enough there are a lot of little things which betrays my sexuality. People are just confused because I look very manly, I am 6"5, muscular and if needed, I can be really angry or aggressive (to protect my friends, family etc.) at times.
Last summer I got my bachelor's degree. And I was hoping for my life to change. Living on your own, setting up my own rules and just trying to be happy about being gay. The passion for travelling has not disappeared and I ended up going to Colombia for a year to teach kids math and science (even though I have a degree in economics, I thought it would be a quite nice change in my life and to spend a year for "myself").
I am living with two wonderful european girls, who knows about me here and everything was fantastic until today. They are also teachers at the same school where I work and one of them told me today that some older students thinks that I am gay. And here we go again, that feeling when you just want to disappear and be invisible.
I always feel so depressed and sad after situations like this, I start questioning my life and the purpose of living. I am always trying to imagine what it would be like if I would be open gay to everyone. I am sure my parents would hate me (my mom once said that it is better not to have a son, than having a gay son), it would be hard to find a job and I guess even harded to be promoted, I am a member of a music band and all the members are always telling me how they miss me and counting days until I will get back, but I am sure being gay and playing a bass guitar in a alternative metal band group is not what they would accept. I feel so confused.
I am not sure what I wanted to say with this story. I just want to feel completely happy. I don't want to have this feeling inside me that being gay is a bad thing. I don't understand how is this even possible have these two different feelings in my chest. I really want to stop feeling like this. Sometimes I just want to stop everything.
Thank you for anyone who read it. I know that there are many more who has the same feelings.
I just want to tell one day for someone: "It is so easy for being yourself. The hard part is to accept yourself". And I am still on the path of accepting myself.
Greetings from Colombia.