Not Exactly Struggling..but Sort Of.I'm going to start off with saying I don't hate anything about homosexuality. 100% for everything it brings to this world. However, personally, I would rather choose to be straight, purely for convenience. I'm in eleventh grade in high school.
In tenth grade, I came out. But before that, I had a couple girls who had "crushes" on me. (Please do not think I'm arrogant, I would hate that. It's just they've told me this and I'm only saying it to make a point). But being gay, I've had to deny them. That killed me because if I were to be straight, I would probably return those feelings! Especially for my best friend. After I came out she told me that she's had the biggest crush on me since third grade. And the more I think about it, we would be a perfect match. Both kind, smart, have never fought, and have shared things we wouldn't share with anybody else. And It just crushes me to have all of these "what could have been" thoughts all because I am gay.
The absolute worst thing is having feelings for a straight guy. In eighth grade I was paired to be lab partners with someone who soon became a really good friend. After about a year and a half, I started to get feelings for him. It was absolutely terrible. It was like I was fighting myself every day. I would say "Oh, he's so kind, he makes me laugh all the time, he has such a nice smile." Then telling myself to stop this because he will never ever return these feelings. Then hoping and forcing myself to believe that maybe one day he'll come out and we'll be together and it would be lovely. It was this constant back and forth battle, turning from optimism to pessimism in a matter of a second. Eventually I stopped seeing him, because being around him brought these feelings. We don't talk anymore, and I miss him so so much. But..it really is for the better.
If you could relate to any of these, please let me know. I think it would make me feel a bit better knowing someone else who has gone through any of these situations. Thanks for reading if you did!
ohpooratlas 16-17, M 1 Response 0 Dec 8, 2012