Not Exactly Struggling..but Sort Of.

I'm going to start off with saying I don't hate anything about homosexuality. 100% for everything it brings to this world. However, personally, I would rather choose to be straight, purely for convenience. I'm in eleventh grade in high school.

In tenth grade, I came out. But before that, I had a couple girls who had "crushes" on me. (Please do not think I'm arrogant, I would hate that. It's just they've told me this and I'm only saying it to make a point). But being gay, I've had to deny them. That killed me because if I were to be straight, I would probably return those feelings! Especially for my best friend. After I came out she told me that she's had the biggest crush on me since third grade. And the more I think about it, we would be a perfect match. Both kind, smart, have never fought, and have shared things we wouldn't share with anybody else. And It just crushes me to have all of these "what could have been" thoughts all because I am gay.

The absolute worst thing is having feelings for a straight guy. In eighth grade I was paired to be lab partners with someone who soon became a really good friend. After about a year and a half, I started to get feelings for him. It was absolutely terrible. It was like I was fighting myself every day. I would say "Oh, he's so kind, he makes me laugh all the time, he has such a nice smile." Then telling myself to stop this because he will never ever return these feelings. Then hoping and forcing myself to believe that maybe one day he'll come out and we'll be together and it would be lovely. It was this constant back and forth battle, turning from optimism to pessimism in a matter of a second. Eventually I stopped seeing him, because being around him brought these feelings. We don't talk anymore, and I miss him so so much. really is for the better.

If you could relate to any of these, please let me know. I think it would make me feel a bit better knowing someone else who has gone through any of these situations. Thanks for reading if you did!
ohpooratlas ohpooratlas
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

i agree with what you say, being gay is not easy, glamorous or a choice. i struggle with this every day and have done for years. I always thought I could work past this, ignore it, push it away, but every 'close encounter' with another guy sends these feelings flooding back. being 30 now, i feel i missed my chance, i chose the road of getting married and wanting kids because its the right thing to do. Now finding I cannot have kids, i wonder what could have been? what have I missed? do i throw it all away and start again or is it too late.

you are an amazing person and I admire you so much for having the courage to come out at your age as I could never have done it. you have your whole adult life ahead of you, and you will find someone special, i just know it.


Well, I'm out to friends but not to family. I'm pulling that off for a while. You're only thirty, that's not even half your life expectancy. I don't think it's too late to start your life over. Just like being gay, it's not ideal, but you make the best of it. But that's from a teenage kid, what do I know!? Ha. Anyways, thank you for your kind words, I'll remember them. :).