I'd Like To Lodge A Formal Complaint Against....life

I thank anyone who is willing to read this self-pitying, moping, pessimistic rant.

I have the necessary things to end it cleanly. Yet every single given moment that I have to take my life I always find myself filled with great sadness. I don't want to die. I am scared of going- and to be frank I think doing it would be the most lonely thing imagineable. To be born into this world surrounded by your loving mother and to leave it without saying bye.

But how does one live a gay life?

I wish I could just want to be happy though. Making money, buying things... I don't want any of that. All I want is to be accepted and to be happy. I sometimes wonder how it is that people fall into the right orientation and find themselves happy... find themselves able to have a family and get married... to walk down the wedding aisle with their family and friends sitting on the sides... to one day have children, watch your kids grow, know that you've created a life with somebody you love, wake up next to someone you love each morning...grow old with someone… Normal stuff you know? It's unthinkable though. When you are gay.

Still. I wish I could have a family. I wish, I wish, I wish I could just be a dad one day and have a family. Spend my earlier years messing about with chicks in a bar, being just a normal lad. Find the person that makes me special, make that person mine and fall in love. Do everything without thinking constantly- will i be caught? Will I turn out like those queers on Queer eye for the straight guy? Is my voice developing a lisp, does this make my thighs look fat? I'd like to be myself however. But I cannot allow that. I cannot make my mum cry. I cannot allow my dad to look at me with disgust. I cannot afford to lose my family, my dignity, my identity, my friends... They all see me as a funny happy guy who always jokes and listens. Throwing the label of gay onto that would taint it forever. I think they speak of being supportive, but in the end I know it's something they can't look past. I know they won't be able to look beyond that. And I know that it will just be awkward and an uncomfortable topic to deal with. I cannot lose myself by coming out. I cannot destroy the name and the person that my friends and family so love.

And yet, I feel so angry and so sad... so sad. I often think, why does homophobia exists? Why do people think that I am a disgusting animal, that gays are rapists, paedophiles and would rather be in the presence of murderers than a gay man (the 'westernized' country that I come from is very homophobic. In fact it was one of the last remaining places in the westernized world that allowed gay bashing-I think (and subsequent murder of gays) as a legitimate form of defence if they so much as looked at you). Why? That’s all I can ever think of. Why? Why why? I have been a good brother, I have been a loving son, I have been a good friend, I have been a good person, I have always treated everyone with respect. But why does being gay destroy all of this? Why does being gay make me less of a person?

Why is being gay something worth dying for?

I hear always my mates bragging about how they would bang this random chick, how they'd pick up, try different techniques to pick up, and how most of the nights would be spent at bars picking chicks up. But as for myself? No. Having never shared this with anyone else besides over this site I often struggle to find a reason to continue. I have read stories on this site about the happiness that some gays find- but where I live? It seems that the two options presented are the extremes: either come out of the closet or end yourself. I just want to be happy- I just want to wake up one day and go outside and believe that I am straight and just start picking girls up. But I don't think that's going to happen. I wonder often what it’s like to wake up and feel like there are no more lies, no more ****** facade to keep up, no more weight and no more secrets and no more hiding.

In public… I hate how disgusted people are whenever they see guys just holding hands out in public. I think they’re damn brave to fight the world like that. Sort of beautiful how they protest- in their own quiet ways. But there’s always so much hate and disgust for them- sorry for us.

And when I think of the hate- I bring myself to this damn question again- why?
I once read a very wise comment… you can’t reason with homophobia… because they aren’t hating with their heads- but with their hearts. I think that’s the most painful thing of all- to be hated, not from reason or logic, but rather because of your very essence and being which disgusts and perverts… corrupts and ruins. I didn’t want to corrupt or pervert anything. I just hope one day- pray even if I can use that without dirtying the word, that I can find happiness. That every closeted person can find true happiness. I just hope one day my nieces and grandnieces- if they turn out gay- won’t have to go through what gays go through today. I’d give it maybe a few more lifetimes before that happens though. But when it does happen, and I hope it does happen- I’ll be happy for them and hope they can live in beautiful harmony.

When I think about it at the end of each day- I wouldn't really want to be straight however. But rather I would want the world to change.

I apologize if this sounded rather self-pitying- but I just needed to articulate and share. Thanks for reading
pete354 pete354
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

Wow where to start.... Firstly I am a gay man I came out many years ago because generally the country where I was born is accepting of homosexuality, my sister has never accepted it but that is her issue not mine! I do not know where you live in the Western World that allows "queer bashing" as a form of defence, but clearly it sure does not sound like the Western World... I live in the Muslim Far East which is nowhere near as tolerant as your country and we make do, because we have too..

You dont have to wear your sexuality as a badge you really dont, I read with sadness that some people can not be true to themselves if they hide their sexuality, I get that, but if its a true threat then you do not, there is no need at this stage I believe you are quite young to stand up and be the counted, you could remain below the parapet until you feel comfortable to stand up and let people know...

You do not need to contemplate taking your own life because of it man, there are people you can talk to, associations that will help, and as I always say, when people say homosexuality is not normal I always disagree with them, it cant be as its normal for me, I dont think what I do is wrong, I was born like this and therefore I embrace it.

I hope you can work things out please dont talk about ending it all, just let it lie for a while and gain strength and courage..

Please take care

thank you so much... it makes me feel a lot better to know that even you can be happy with yourself in such a place

I have to be happy, I am who I am, I am a gay man and I am proud of what I have achieved in my life and where I intend to go, I do not need to wear my sexuality on my lapel its there it defines me, but it should and never will be a barrier to inner peace or danger...... We are here for you my friend