What's a Guy to Do?

Okay, Im sitting here writing this at 2:00AM. Im Pretty much loosing sleep over the fact that im Gay. Just seeing those three little letters on my computer screen is causing me discomfort. Im hoping that I can at least get some support or ideas on this site. Im still "in the closet," and as far as im conserned, it's going to stay that way. I don't want to be gay. If it comes down to it, I will be alone for the rest of my life to keep from being with a guy. Is it wrong that I think like this? My family can not find out my secret.  My dad is a pastor, so you know how that would go over. I just keep thinking, "why me?" The way i feel right now, is that im going to have to tell someone about it or im going to explode. I hoping that my writing this will relieve some of the pressure. My family is beginning to wonder why im not interested in dating. And im running out of excuses to tell them. Im at my wits end.

Sorry for being so "messy" with my thoughts here. I hope there is someone out there that I can talk to about this. Thanks for reading.

gallagher22 gallagher22
22-25, M
25 Responses Jan 6, 2009

To deny this you deny being yourself, you will find the truth is hard to accept but harder to ignore, I wish I could sugar coat this and say it'll all be fine, but that would be a lie. Once you accept it you will be at peace with who you are, you will never shake these feelings you have and at the risk of sounding like that gaga woman "you were born this way" If you don't accept it you will be miserable forever because there is no hiding from your emotions.

Your regrets will drag you to ruin, From a Friend

Being gay isn't wrong. I am still in the closet too because even though I told my parents, they assumed it was a joke. Don't let other people dictate how you feel or how you live. It's your choice. You're free to make it.

I'm much older than you and it's not good to say i don't want to be gay, you are gay it is what it is. I came out not to long ago and looking back i realized what a mistake it was to wait so long. I realized later how beautiful gay love really is and how wonderful and alive it made me feel. Your problem is not being gay, it's your telling your family. You have a right to be who you are and a right to be happy, your an adult and if they don't understand then it is they who have the problem of living in the past.<br />
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If you feel it's something you just can't do then do what i did, pack your bags move far away and say you want to be free, be on your own, and discover what you want to do in life. Otherwise prepare for a unhappy life, looking for love in all the wrong places...Cheers

This is YOUR life, so why not make the most of it? It takes time to get to know yourself, so don't rush, but be careful not to let the best/prime years of your life pass you by, just because you are worried about what others might think. ;o) If others don't want you to be true to yourself then it is they that have issues<br />
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In my case, despite my predictions and years of worry about being on the receiving end of homophobic animosity from family and friends, I came out in my late twenties and to my surprise and relief EVERYONE was totally cool with it. I've not experienced a single homophobic incident in the 10 years that followed. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps it's a sign of the times..Looking back though I really should have come out earlier.

Reading your post made me cry... I have so been there where you are. "Why me"? "What a cruel joke God played on me"'... I came out at 35. My only regret was I waited so late to do it. My life went from one of fear and self loathing to one full of love and self respect. My gift to God was to love myself the way he made me. <br />
People will think what they are going to think about you no matter what you do and you have no control over what people think. Good luck, have a plan, create yourself a support system then do what you know you have to do to get on with your very wonderful and special life. Love you my brother.... HUGs

Read my story titled "I am". I hopefully it will help you in making the right decision when you see what happens when you deny to yourself how you really are. I know it is incredibly scary. And I know that no matter what, God loves you.

I too struggle with being gay- I actually think I am bisexual, but who cares about labels. Every time I try to stop thinking about it or acting out, I end up doing it again. It may not involve being with a man, but I have bought sex toys over and over again. Just ask yourself how you feel when having gay sex. If you like it, then do it. You dont have to label yourself as gay, but maybe we are. Who cares. Enjoy it and enjoy it well..

I have bought sex toys many times myself and have also struggled with being gay. But I keep going back again and again to having sex with other men. I can have sex with women too and I like it but it is ALOT more work for me to have an ****** with a woman than it is with a man and it is not nearly as passionate or intense.

hang in there, don't sell out as so many people do.

Hey man I'm still in the closet when it comes to my family, I know its not something easy to accept , considering your dad is a pastor. If its support your seeking on this site, you have mine entirely.My family is wondering y i never had a girlfriend too and they keep pressuring me too. My dad is a macho construction worker and my mom has conservative morals so you can say I'm kind of in the same boat<br />
as you. i'd say subscribing to this site is a smart move , try to seek support else where also. I know that before my first coming out to one of my friends, I view tons of it gets better videos and coming out stories on youtube you can also try gay helpphones or if you want to vent and talk about it send me amessage I'd be gad to listen to you . CIao stay strong ;) XX

Hey, you posted this a while ago, so I hope everything worked out for you. I've had many of the same thoughts and feelings you are having. I still haven't come out to anyone, but am happy to talk if you need it. I know it would make things easier for me too...

Gallagher...<br />
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I identify with you completly. I struggle with the same feelings, being a conflict with my beliefs. I don't want these feelings, and can't understand why God will not change them. In seeking councilling, and alot of hours in prayer, God has shown me His power can over come the power of these feelings. They are a manipulation of the feelings God wired us with because we are of the sin nature. Yes God knows we have them, He did not intend for our feelings to work this way, but allows them to work this way to be our "thorn in the flesh" so we will seek him for the strength to over come their power. He calls the actions of those feelings sin, but He says we are set free from "the power of sin" when we seek God in prayer and learn of the power He has put in the Word. That is why God can tell us, "resist the enemy and he must flee" so when thoughts and feelings come, I can say, Lord I don't want this, and then His power is able to come and help me. If this is not true, then Gods death on the cross was a waste, because that is why He had to die on the cross, to show He is greater then the aultimate power of sin, which is death. In one prayer session recently,God gave me a vision in which He showed me how He does want to enable us to overcome this, and will for those that seek Him. I will share that in detail with you if want, you can e-mail about that. <br />
Any time God confronted someone about sin in there life (the women at the well, the rich young ruler, Zachius the tax collector) He always identified His issue with them, but did not condem them, but challanged them to change. The other thing to think about is the women with the issue of blood. She went to Jesus out of desperation, totaly believing, totaly convinced, He could heal her if she could even just touch the hem of his garment. She was prepared to do anything He said. I will certainly pray for God to continue to put a desire in you to continue to seek Him, and will pray for the Holy Spirit to make himself real to you as He has for me. <br />
Although you know your father best, I believe you should try to share with him, at least to say that your just asking for suggestions in a struggle your having even if you just say that and nothing in detail. <br />
Remember God told the disciples, before they were to go and carry out the great commision to go to the upper room and wait for the Holy Spirit to emporwer them so they would be able to do what He asked. We have to do the same today. One book that has helped me is "Desires In Conflct" by Joe Dallas. <br />
I say this respectfully, and I hope it helps. You can respond here or e-mail me anytime.

I can understand ALL of that. Dude, don't think the rest of us haven't been there. Something to learn about gays is that we're all pretty similar in the guilt department. We have all felt what you're feeling and know what you're going through. Don't feel alone. There's a really awesome documentary out there called "For the Bible Tells Me So" and it will give you another perspective on religion. Not saying it's going to make you anything other than what you already are, but it gives you something to think about. I always said to myself I would NEVER EVER act on my homosexual impulses and would rather be alone. I was not going to "give in" to anything in the area and I was gonna beat it. But dude, it's who I am. I'm gay. No matter how much I never liked that fact, it's who I am. I never had a gay experience until like earlier this year, but you know what? When that happened I realized what I needed in life to be happy. That was the one missing piece. And I'm one step closer to happiness for the rest of my life. Don't deny who you are. The closet= not a good place to be. You don't even have to come out to your family yet. Hell, I haven't even done that except for my mom. I came out to like four friends over many months and then went from there. Don't think everyone and their mother has to know. That's the awesome thing about something personal. So I wish you the best of luck and remember, if you deny who you are you're not going to be happy. You're just going to be in denial.

For Some Gay People , being gay is a " Cause " and they want to " Tell The World " for Other Gay people, they feel there sexual life style is private., and not for others ears. Always remember God loves you, because you are his child, not because you are Gay or Straight. Christian Fundamentalists say that God created " Adam and Eve" not " Adam and Steve " Who are they to be so judgemental.. There is an old saying that said " The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions* " Jesus spoke of Gods love for Mankind. Being Gay is not chosen like food on a Menu.my Mother did not like me being gay but she loved me.Remember Gods love for man is boundless, not limited.

You sound exactly how i sounded like 6 months ago. I would stay up late crying every night begging to God to please make me straight and i hated it so much. I use to be a closet case but i told my friend and now she is my best friend (who was best friends with my worst enemy who i found out was also gay and now me and him are dating but not the point.) Yes it sucks and i know that reading this might make you smile but i know deep down it doesnt help forever. The only thing you can do really is wait it out which i know is a horrible thing to say but thats what worked for me and things will work out i promise. I am open to my friends and a lot of my school knows and i dont care. But my parents dont know. My family is very religious and i honestly feel like if i told them that they would hate me (they already kind of hate me so i dont want to risk it more :/) But the point is that it gets better. You will find great people who will accept you just for being you and your life will be great. It gets better i promise. Just stay strong :) And remember there are plenty of guys like me who have struggled with being gay and are willing to help you out. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please send me a message. I would have loved to have someone to talk to when i needed help. :) Good luck.

hey bro, same **** here,<br />
i know the feeling, when u just want to shut it off as if ur life what a stupid, disgusting game that u don't wanna play anymore...<br />
all doors are closed in my face, only one is still open...its written "suicide" on it...

You may change your mind on the whole " I will be alone for the rest of my life to keep from being with a guy" thing, if you actually accept yourself. Right now you have recognized, but not accepted. Until you have accepted yourself, you should probably work on that before coming out. If you need in person support you might do well to come out to a close friend, one you trust, and you think has the best chance of being supportive. I've lost a friend or two and ruined an engagement over my realizations, and I made the mistake of coming out before I accepted myself. These things hurt like hell. If you take the time to accept yourself first, the rest stings a little less. You were born the way you are, and you only get to go around the sun so many times, you may as well be the best you that you can. And there are accepting people out there. Also your family may or may not accept you, just make sure you are on your feet financially when you tell them, so if they don't you can write them off. Given time they may come around, but don't let them determine who you are, and give them the respect of the truth. If they are truly loving parents worthy of respect they will accept you at some point down the line. If not, well now you know.

You may not be interested in this opinion because it is coming from someone who doesn't believe in god. I'm agnostic and believe religion is a totally wrong and does more harm than good. I don't have anything against people who find comfort in religion, only those who ruin others lives in the name of god. In the case of sexuality, religion has done serious damage. There are some religious groups that you can find that would support you if you wish to be religious, but that is up to you. <br />
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Being gay is difficult. I had times where I thought I'd never come out and times where I believed I would never be with a man and just live my life alone just to keep my feeling secret. That just isn't healthy. You need to take a deep breath, relax, and think about who you are. Being gay is not who you are or what makes you you. It is just a small part of you. Some people may have a hard time accepting your sexuality, but that doesn't mean they don't accept you. <br />
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Take your time to look into different support groups or talk to people to help you get comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Once you are comfortable with yourself then you can start to come out to others. Some people come out at a young age and thats great, but others like myself didn't come out until 22 or older. I thought that if I couldn't come out then, I couldn't come out ever. It takes time to get into a comfortable situation where you can accept who and what you are and begin to let others know. <br />
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, so don't let anyone tell you there is and don't let yourself think there is something wrong with you.<br />
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If you are religious then fine, but please be open to the fact that scripture of all kinds are up for interpretation and translations change meanings so one person may say the bible says that homosexuality is an abomination and therefor against god. Another person recognizes that the bible says the same thing about eating shrimp and that the translation from the original text to english doesn't have the same meaning. It moreso means that it is taboo or against the norm and in that time it was not normal or accepted, but that is far from a terrible thing that should be persecuted. I could go on and on about how people screw up scripture to benefit their own views rather than the original purposes of the text but I won't go any further. My point is simply that you can still have religion if you chose without believing the bigotry and ignorance of certain groups. Sorry if I offended anyone. I just really can't stand religion, personally.<br />
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Be yourself, accept yourself, then open up to others about who you are. Ultimately, just do what will make you happy and that starts with owning and accepting who you are and finding someone you care about and makes you happy.

Do what pleases you and not your family . so for the case of your daddy being a priest ,i dont think if that can stop you from who you are , then follow your heart and everything will be fine.LIVE YOUR LIFE

Aristotle said:<br />
I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. <br />
I persoanally do not believe that we can conquer these desires without the help of God!<br />
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Now what do you truly believe to be true in your heart? That is what you will have to deal with.

I believe the bible says that God did not make us gay but he allowed it. It has definatly been a thorn in my flesh! I wish I could commit to either the flesh or the spirit so that I would have peace. Maybe God has put me in this situation so that I will always rely on him for my salvation. I have proved to myself over and over again that I am not capable of being good enough to earn my salvation! The only thing I can do is to continue to do what I think is in his will, (truly push against the feelings) truly believe that he keeps forgiving me and truly forgive myself, every time I give in to the flesh. The bible also teaches that the closer to God we are the stronger we will be when we are tempted! In the end I pray that he will judge my heart and tell me that yes I did "Believe"(Rely on, Trust in, Cling to) in Him. And not say "turn from me I never knew you." because I was not willing to surrender my all to him. I continue to struggle because I am not sure if I have done so?<br />
One other note: C.S.Lewis wrote that God knows what a wretched machine that we are trying to drive and that He (God) only asks that we do the best we can! <br />
The bible says that we are all born in sin. Not even one is free from it. It also says that he forgives all who repent.<br />
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The bible says that a measure of faith has been given.<br />
I take that to mean belief of truth of right and wrong (on whatever the subject) that is in you deep inside. That he put there. You can deny it and follow the flesh or you can except it and follow your spirit by faith. I have not been able to change it. <br />
I also believe that he knows how I have struggled with this my whole life. My heart is true, My spirit is grieved, My flesh is weak. And Im trying to trust in him for my salvation! He paid the price by sacrificing his son Jesus on the cross for mine and ALL of our sins!<br />
In the bible Paul prayed for God to take the thorn from his flesh and God said "No my Grace is Sufficient"!<br />
I believe it’s going to come down to what do you believe deep in your heart to be true? Someone told me once that in order to find peace I would have to change my lifestyle or change my beliefs. I am not able to change my beliefs. I lived with the love of my life for 15 years and could not make peace with it. I left that relationship. Now I am trying to get closer to God to find that peace. <br />
One thing that I know for sure is that I feel better about myself when I believe that I am walking in his will.<br />
Everyone has a cross to bear!

Hello my friend. Excepting your gay is the hardest thing. Being with another guy is not wrong. You like who you like. No religion can tell you other wise. You are who you are. Being in the cluaset will only cuase you more pain. Being with someone you dont want to be with is painful on both sides. Im not saying come out but in time except it for your self. Its hard to except and takes a while. Finnaly realizing your gay is a really confusing time. theres allot of thoughts and emotions running through you and you have to llisten to how you feel. I know, its corny as hell but just think about who you are. And if you ever need any one to talk to about it, hit me up.

Just be yourself. Don't worry about what others think. Don't be in a hurry to come out of the closet.

the bible says we are ALL god's children and we are ALL created in his image including you<br><br />
you are a part of god and he made you the way you are<br><br />
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now if you want to look at it another way<br><br />
Jesus says to love thy neighbor <br><br />
not love him only if<br><br />
Jesus walked with and talked with the "undesirables" <br><br />
he befriended and made a tax collector one of his disciples (a tax collector is far worse then being gay in those days), and a prostitute. <br><br />
Jesus was and is pure love UNCONDITIONALLY <br><br />
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My youngest daughter's father is gay and he has let his parents lack of support drive him he won't accept his daughter's and mine pulse my family's love and support (he won't even accept the support of his own sister) and he has had multiple hart attacks. He stayed with us for a while and he lived openly and he was healthier. <br><br />
It is hard but you have to love who you are. and like Ted said you need to come out to your self first (this post is a great start) and you need to find support. maybe start with one friend you know will accept you for you. maybe find a church that will accept you far you (this will help with your father) but first and foremost<br><br />
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you will be ok when you just move on with it and except it. dontworry about your dad hell either come around or he wont. you think of you!!

you my friend. Your a beautiful human being just like the rest of us. I fully support your preference and back you fully on the fact that you should come out. I know its a huge ordeal for anyone who is gay, But the only way to be happy with yourself is to except yourself for who you are!! Which is an amazing person with more power and potential then we will ever know!! I'm sorry to say this but you should not feel threatened by your father being a pastor. I'm sorry but I'm guessing he is a Christian pastor? Ah! If only I could sit down and talk with him about the corrupt aspect of Religion. Your father is YOUR father no matter what I'm sure he will be there for you and if he is not. Then you can count on me to be there spiritually with you. I know that I'm probly sounding crazy right now but but I believe in one love. We are all connected in a way we are all made of the exact same thing. Carbon and when we die we give off carbon and new life begins now doesn't that make us closer to eachother then blood? If you need anyone to talk to I'm here for ya brotha. Peace and Love = Ted =