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Forgiving Myself Has Been So Difficult

Hi! A quick run down of who I am today....
I am a mother of a wonderful 19 month baby girl who is my world. I have a wonderful husband that provides great for us, but is struggling with his relationship with God, but treats me well. :) We have a beautiful home, dog, simple things that are never to be taken for granted. All in all, we have a good life and I really shouldn't complain.

My problem:
I have had relationships with others that were very good. Meaning that the guys were either my best friend or someone I trusted and felt comfortable with. I had an addiction in all those relationships, where I cheated. :( I was so caught up in that attention that got old from my significant other and seeked it elsewhere. I am and was NOT proud of my cheating and everyday I wish I could go back and have more will power and strength within to have either said no or plainly paid more attention to the one that I was with.
History of the cheating and whom I cheated on:
My first time cheating was when I was with my Best Friend from high school! He was amazing and I knew he was the one. I was so comfortable with him and loved him, as he loved me so much! We were together almost 2.5 years and i started to get attention from a co worker....and I lost it from there. Funny(well not really...but more weird) that I ended up with the guy I cheated with for a few years and even got engaged!!! We moved to another state and that was when I told him I had been cheating on him with some guy that was NO GOOD FOR ME! Why I did this...I still wonder....
Then...yes it goes on...:( I met a GREAT guy after a few years of dating and he was so right for me! We had so much in common and had lots of fun together. Only thing that let me down was he was a little negative at times, but other than that...he was perfect for me. After 3 years of being together, he had to go off for work, which was his DREAM and I totally supported that, another man came into my life and starting flirting with me and giving me attention that  made me weak. So, yes...I cheated...yet again! My life was crumbling and I felt like I didn't deserve ANYONE! BUT I still continued to stay in touch with this guy that was showing me that he wanted me! (If anyone knew what my mind was thinking at the times he would tell me he was going to take care of me and I would never have to worry about anything ever again, cause I would be taken care of....that was soooo intriqueing to me, as the relationship I was in, was hurting financially and I felt that at the time, I was so ready to settle down and not have to worry about struggles....if I knew what I know now, I would have never continued with this cheating....) Believe it or not...I told the boyfriend I had been cheating and I didn't think we could be together anymore...I needed to figure out somethings before I could be with anyone. Well, that didn't last...the gentleman that was flirting with me and telling me that he wanted to take care of me wouldn't leave me alone and I eventually caved in and started a relationship with him. Well, you guessed it...he is my husband now. Yes, I know....strange, but he held up his bargaining chip and won me over. Let's just say greed and money won me over at the time...I miss the ex very much and can't get passed what I did to him. I see now that our lives were just beginning and I gave up way too soon.
don't get me wrong, I am happy, we have a wonderful daughter and we have great things and he is good to me. Is he "the one" only God knows. I believe I was put into his life for a reason, but in the meantime, I still am hurting for what I did to those great guys that would have done anything for me...who loved me unconditionally. I hurt them and I don't think I could ever forgive myself for that.
Please help me with figure out how I can get past this and continue to be happy with my family that I have now. Is it going to be possible? I feel that my relationship with God is not to it's fullest because I can't forgive myself for the wrong doings I have done to such wonderful people....
mommyrealtor mommyrealtor 26-30 5 Responses Jun 27, 2010

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Great pst! I failed to mention in my last post that egos and low self-esteem plays a part in this scenario and I don't mean that as a derogatory statement - it's merely an observation and it is what it is. <br />
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In my 61 years on earth this time around, I've had my fair share of learning experiences as well and I've learned the hard way to just not put ourselves in positions that we may regret later, though it's often times much easier said than done! :-)

Well as stated above....You cannot change the past, and you need to live in the present and look to the future! <br />
That said, your past was rocky...you were seeking something, does'nt matter what, but you found something you felt you could live with....Go for it! rejoice in it, and don't look back. People in relationships get hurt, you, or them..accept that as a fact and move forward. The big question is how will you handle the next handsome guy who wants to be with you? tell him to buz off , or will you flirt with him, because the new attention is so exciting? Hard choices!

Well...I'm certainly not here to pass judgment and I'm not here to psychoanalyze your past, but what I WILL do is just share a few random thoughts off the top of my head and you may take them for whatever they're worth to you! :-)<br />
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1. So many people are in search of someone that they just can't live without rather than seeking someone who they can LIVE WITH, though that doesn't apply to your situation.<br />
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2. Everyone's path cross with another's person's path for very specific reasons; there are NO coincidences in life, and you'll have to trust me on that one!<br />
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3. There are a multitude of people out there who wish that they had the power to go back in time in order that they might be able to recreate their past...to undo and redo so many things which they feel remorseful for. Unfortunately, we're all imperfect human beings and we don't have those special powers, so all we can really do is learn to forgive ourselves for the hurt we brought to others, learn valuable lessons from our past and how those learning experiences have made us a better person today! :-)<br />
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4. We are ALWAYS where we're supposed to be in life whether it's perceived as a positive or a negative.

This is a very hard situation indeed... Ive had simular not cheating related but simular.well my advice, you have probably heard 1,000 times and it is ALOT easier said then done but anyways here it goes... You need to try and forget about your past for nobody can really change that, Instead focus more on your preasent and your future meaning becareful of any situation you are in now and be very careful nothing related to this happens in your future. but thats all the real advice I can give Hope I helped.

I would love some great insights and advice to how I can get pasted this...thank you all. I'm sure there will be a few of you that will look down on me and trust me, I don't blame you. What I did, was horrible! I am a different person now...still have struggles, but I have learned how to catch my weaknesses before I loose control. No one is perfect and I know I am not....