Forgiveness Seems Impossible.

I'm trying to heal from my partner lying to me about living with his ex girlfriend of 4 years during our whole relationship.

I'm trying to heal from being attacked by my partner's ex gf who went psycho on me because I was fed the lies from the very beginning.

I'm trying to heal from my partner having a problem with intimacy and consistently forces himself on me sometimes when I don't want it.

I'm trying to heal from all the promises my partner has made with "good intentions" in mind, but it just comes out hurting me and all he can say is "I'm sorry."  Like "I'm sorry" fixes anything.

I'm trying to heal from my partner signing onto an online dating site (behind my back) while professing his undying love to me and how he would always "wait" for me as we went on our pseudo break because I found out by asking him for a random email check (to his surprise).

I'm trying to heal from my partner doing all of this and demanding me to heal faster every week and not having the patience to listen to me when I do cry.

I'm trying to heal from my partner asking me to marry him and flip flopping on the decision all the meanwhile negotiating money terms with me and my parents regarding cheaper living conditions.

I'm trying to heal from my partner telling me he'll be there for me but putting me on silent most of the time at night so that he won't be able to pick up my phone calls while he is away on business monday through thursdays of every week, living out of his hotel.

I'm trying to heal from my partner's constant justifications of everything he's ever done to wrong me and how he continues to do it without giving it much second thought because the prospect of uttering "I'm sorry" to me is that easy.

I'm trying to heal from being forced against my will to defriend a friend who did nothing to my partner during our whole relationship except "made him feel uncomfortable".

I'm trying to heal from being completely invaded in terms of privacy when my partner took my password right after I whimsically mentioned it and signed onto everything he thought he could.

I'm trying to heal from repeated broken promises including respect for my body; but it's just nonexistent at this point.

I'm really trying hard to heal.

I'm trying hard to forgive.  I can't "just" forgive, I don't know how people can accomplish such feats so damn easily.  Forgiveness is hard to me.

justphophun justphophun
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Your partner is a jerk. NoMoMisery is right on the money.

Sweetie, please run from this toxic relationship as fast as you possibly can! Do not look back! I just wasted 10 years of my life on a man that sounds a great deal like your partner...I found out he was lying to me the entire time. I can not get those years back, and just wish I would have listened to my "gut". It was right all along. It might be painful, but you MUST free yourself from this person!

Ya think? Please read my blog and see what your future might hold.

maybe i'm in an emotionally abusive relationship.... =(

Sounds like you need a new partner. Read this again and open your eyes to the fact that if you stay with or even worse, marry this person you will be miserable. All the signs are there. Can I suggest not doing that to yourself?