Keep Looking For It

Struggling is one word. Seeking is another.

I keep looking for forgiveness for the people that have become so intricately involved with this.

I need to forgive me, but I'm not any where close to that. Not yet, maybe never.

He moved here to take care of me. Sweet gods...even my friends had a good laugh at that. "Taking care of me is like trying to stop a hurricane. I am stubborn and willful and full of self sufficient pride. I can take care of myself. But he saw different.

Forgiving the idiotic woman, who for whatever lame brained reason stopped taking her medications. Oh...wait for it...she was healed by the power of prayer.  That's  why she had three car accidents in 72 hours, before she had her final one.She had had several seizures and 'blank outs" (I don't know exactly wtf  those are...but going blank  isn't a good thing). She had just refused an ambulance, not 15 minutes before getting her car and driving home. She chose to continue driving even after having difficulty getting out of the parking lot at work. And telling her daughter and husband she was 'just fine, the Lord would see her safe."

Excuse me...I just hacked.

Forgiveness for her daughter, who was there, at the time the ambulance was there. Her daughter who let her drive. Her daughter, who before her mother was even taken out of the car, was on the phone calling the newspapers and TV stations.

Forgiveness for the reporters who went all over this woman's neighborhood interviewing them about what a kind, sweet, church going woman she was. All the while omitting this was a preventable act. All the while ignoring that another had died.

Forgiveness for the Chaplin at the hospital who called for me to come and then got lost wandering around. A dimwitted wonder of an individual that probably needs medication. My first thought when she finally found her way to the ER, "Why the hell did they get Professor Trelawney to come in here?" I'm serous...not one of my finer moments. And the broad wanting details on his children. Screw off. But she didn't seem to understand that phrase.

Forgiveness... how many more?

Maybe I should forgive the security guard who blew me off for 20 minutes while he finished his donut and coffee. PIssant. My friend who was with me, knew I had just started channeling some interesting moll out of North Jersey when i headed for the security desk. hehehehe...The security guard got the point and suddenly I have the charge nurse. and his nurse. They were such wonderful ladies, and I am so glad they were with him. I know he got the best possible care. Just as I know he did in the surgery. Miracles workers, but humans. There was just too much.

Perhaps I should consider forgiveness for his ill behaved, self absorbed off spring. 34 going on 12 and a royal bastard of a son. On second thought..no...not even going to consider forgiveness or understanding for either of them. I hope they remember this all when they need their children to step up for them. And I hope they are terrified. If I could I would find the spell, or curse to do it too. But that isn't forgiveness...It's the lowest depths of loathing one person can feel for another.

Forgiving his new boss who actually told me I "was nobody". (Funny...she isn't working there anymore, oh fricking well)

Me? Yeah, I'm in there too. I usually drove him around. He was still new so I did the driving. But that morning. He let me sleep in. I printed the directions for him. I explained a few things to him. And I slept blissfully in. A few minutes of phone call and I dozed back off. Until I watched it on the news, and the phone rang.And my soul fled.

Me? I had his last text. Telling me he loved me. I had his last voice mail. And I lost it. I couldn't get it saved. And now even those are gone.

Me? I sould have sen this. I should have driven. I should have riden along. I should have taken the last call. Forgive me?

Forgiveness. It's an odd thing. It would seem to be so simple. Just acknowledge we are all human and sometimes err. Accept that different people behave differently, and sometimes shyte happens.Let it go.

But I can't. I keep looking for the key. The forgiveness.

I think you must need a heart to forgive. Unfortunately he took my heart when he left. There's a giant hole where it was.