I'm a New Mother and Having Trouble Holding It All Together

I haven't been on EP since I was pregnant and in a new relationship and battling depression. A lot has changed since then. My fiancee (M) and I moved into a cute little apartment together, our daughter was born and is our little treasure. And its been good in many ways to have my sister living near by to talk to and relate to.

Now because of economic reasons we've decided to give up the apartment and move into the basement apartment of M's mothers place. I'm not happy about the move but if we can save up for a house in the future, and give M the opportunity to develop his business than alright - it's the best thing for our brand new little family and I'll do whatever it takes.

I am conflicted about a lot of things. Before I started this journey into 'domestic bliss'. (Meeting M, getting pregnant, planning a wedding <that still hasn't happened yet> , moving in together, creating a new family, all in the space of one year.) Before I started on this journey I lived a somewhat bohemian life style. I had completed some of university, traveled many places in the world, had plans to become involved in a lot of different projects -  that all may sound good but I also had a slew of bad habits (really bad ones) that I have mostly been able to overcome - yes all in the space of one year.

I love my new little family, I am in love with M more than ever and our daughter is the absolute best thing that ever happened to me - she's almost 2 months old.

We have some problems, M thinks I am a terrible housekeeper; He is very involved in his business and work; he supports me advancing and improving myself insofar as it will help the business grow. I feel that at times where it is very important to me that he make a small effort to get to know my family better he falls short and finds reasons to be busy or absent from family get togethers.

I am still battling depression and I've been trying so hard, even as I feel my brain turning to the squishy mushy fat tissue of an unused and unstimulated muscle.

I am so very happy with M and our child but what scares me is that I am loosing myself. I also have this fear that if anything were to happen to this little unit of mine or anyone in it - I would fall to pieces and revert to some of my old bad coping mechanisms..

Last night my brother who I haven't seen in a year indicated that I have not reached my full potential. He's right. I love being a mother. I don't think M sees my life's work as much more than caring for him, our daughter and keeping the house spic and span. I' really wanted M to meet my brother, create a good impression, show off my new family and he (M) bailed on me, which really hurt. I wanted to see him make an effort even though he was tired and I didn't.

I feel like this brand new life is being held together by little strings a fine as the silk from a spider. I'm terrified a slipping and falling into some other terrible version of life that I don't want. I am also scared that I will cease to develop myself and get caught up in the mundane.

M is constantly disappointed in me for not doing this or that. I often feel inadequate to fill the roles that he expects me to. I'm lonely.

I feel adrift floating around - not grounded in who I am or where I am going.

I hardly know who I am.

I don't know what I am aspiring to be, where I am going or what I am becomming.

I'm lonely

I'm afriad

 

lunatica lunatica
22-25
4 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Try to be honest with M. If you love him and he loves you, you both deserve honesty.

You keep saying how great M is, and how good is he. But then there's all these other things...I think you are in denial. You are in a tough situation, where you have to do what's best for baby. I wish you luck.

I love what you wrote about your life being hold toghether by strings. that was like a paragraph by Virginia Woolf. <br />
You´ve had such a big change in your life, I think all changes even good ones always mean losing something, even if you gain a lot. you get marrried, you lose some independence, you have kids you lose time to yourself and so on. even changes that make us very happy also have an element of something being lost. that´s just life.<br />
personally, I could never live with a man who expected me to take care of him and just be a homemaker, I want an equal partner. but each to her own:) Enjoy your daughter and everything else in your life that is good, ther will always be some things that arnn´t good and we deal with them too. And I think you should still reach to fulfill your full potential, whatever that means to you. never stop doing that. it´s important. <br />
i wish you the very best and a life filled with you. take care:)

Love the spider metaphor .Did you know that spider silk is 200 time stronger that steel .<br />
Have you read the maternity book yet . The one with the woman on the rocking chair . It's a very important resource , to new mothers . It identifies an anticipates most problems you will face and as to how to over come them . You and father of child should take the time to read it together .<br />
Depression in new first time mother is very common ,most will face it . Ask Mom upstairs to help ." Help is good",when depress you may not understand that .Having family around is very good .<br />
You have made big changes in your life , it will be frightening .This is an opportunity to build long last and trusting relationship with other . Don't close yourself in and become withdrawn and jaded . Thing that need to be done do , others let slide for now ,but not forgotten .<br />
Kiss your daughter ,dress her up ,and call someone to go for a walk . A ten minute walk will do wonders , not a five hour one .