I Wish I Wasn't Gay

I'm attracted to women and have been for as long as I can remember. I had a somewhat abusive childhood (mostly emotional) and can't help but wonder if that's the reason I am a lesbian. My mother consumes a lot of aspartame, so that could be the cause as well. Or both. Either way, I struggle so much with these feelings. I feel like I am just hanging by a thread and want to kill myself because I don't think I'll ever be at peace with being gay.
1anonymous1 1anonymous1
22-25, F
5 Responses Nov 25, 2012

You'll be ok. Being gay can be difficult but it can be exciting as well. Life gets better once you can learn to love who you are. A beautiful person

Don't look for a reason. We can think about reasons all day, but in the end we get turned on sometimes by watching animals copulate. Ridiculous right? It's sexuality, we all have it, we all have our struggles with it. Everyone on the planet. EVERYONE, deals with it. But we all find different answers.

Look, I'll be honest. I'm a guy, I'm straight. I'm hoping to marry my girlfriend. For a long time I struggled with that decision. Why should I get married? It's so weird right? It's such an antiquated concept.

Then I realized I was actually really mixed up, I had a lot of concerns and fears, and questions. I was jut totally unsure, and it started eating me up. For months I just sat and thought, and questioned. I even wondered if maybe homosexuality might be better. What do I know, I've never been with a guy, maybe there's something to it.

But then I heard the best advice I've ever heard. It changed everything for me, straightened everything out, and I hope maybe it can help you.
Sex is a gift. When you have sex, the only way for it to be enjoyed, truly, on a more than merely physical level, is to treat it as a total gift of self. A complete surrender of both your body and your heart. You give it as a gift.

But that means that love isn't just a feeling. Love can't be. If I say "I love you" that can't just mean "you turn me on, and I want you, and oh hey, here's some flattering things about how you make me feel." Love is about "truth". Philosophical I know.

Love means surrender, but in smaller less dramatic ways. Love means listening. Love means getting to know that other person. The guy who gave me the advice likes to say "I love you, but don't talk to me." Sort of as a joke. If you love someone you want to get to know them! Not because, well you know, I can write a really great book, or figure out a way to toss them in bed next, it means getting to know them so that you can help them. I heard someone say once "love means being there to help each other get back up and keep going."

Sex can do that. And when it does it makes you happier, and better for it. Mandrake has it totally right. Why are you letting your sexuality define you? Stop worrying about the sex. Find the love. Find out what it means to care for someone so much that it is better for them if you leave, or so much that if they were paralyzed from the neck down you would willingly give up the rest of your life to care for them and STILL BE HAPPY, because they love you just as much in return.

If you can learn how to love, then the sex will sort itself out.

Don't focus on the sex. Focus on knowing what it means to love from experience. Try having a close relationship in which there is no sex involved. That has helped me tremendously and I find that I can love better sometimes without the sex. A lot of the times I find that I can love myself more if I simply Am there, no sex, just listening, and loving, and trying to help people.
One of my mom's old Priest friends said that's the only way to survive a life of celibacy. "You are never physically intimate, but in the mind and the soul. No one has ever been so intimate."

Listen to your heart, don't listen to your body. It's an unreliable compass. If you're not happy make a change. We always have that option. No matter how deeply we are committed to a direction.
Whatever you do, whatever happens to you, or has happened to you, just know that you are loved.

I was also looking for "reasons" all the time when I was struggling with my sexuality. "Reasons for my illness". It was just internalised homophobia. Trust me. You will meet a lot of people with abusive childhood, that are not gay. You will meet a lot of people with a perfect childhood that are not gay. You will meet a lot of people with all kinds of childhoods that are not gay, and you will meet a lot of people with all kinds of childhoods that are gay. Thinking that a bad childhood is related to homosexuality is just a part of the homophobic propaganda trying to promote it as a disorder.
You can think that you're unhappy because of your childhood, you can think that you have bad relationships because of your childhood, but trust me, even if you had a perfect childhood you'd probably still be gay.
That period of looking for the "cause" was exhausting and filled with self-hatred for me, and no, the advice "you should just accept who you are" didn't help at all. So I can just say that it's a process and if you work on it eventualy you will get to the point of acceptence. And that feels great:)

have you tried being loved???

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Sometimes I wish I was strictly gay