This stepmother thing never gets easier. I appreciate that there is a place for me to vent without someone invalidating my feelings.
I have been a childless stepmom for 12 years. The children were 5 and 7 when I met them. They are now 18 and 20. I have to say in the beginning, in fact for the first 7 to 8 years, things went very well. They accepted me and I enjoyed them. We split weekly custody of the children with their crazy mother so they were with us four days a week. I made their meals, did their laundry , took them back and forth to school while working full time. It was a huge change for me as a divorced woman with no kids and no plans on having children, but guess that's what love can do to a gal.

Things changed when they became teenagers, I'm sure I took it a little too personally but always seems still to this very day that my husband is way too lenient, doting father. Divorce guilt maybe, who knows. But they could be rude disrespectful, messy teenagers to me with no recourse. The excuse was when whenever I'd have had enough of feeling like a maid and doormat was, you take everything so personally, give them a break they're great students and kids, just get over it.

Being a stepmother I've learned your spouse doesn't want to hear your complaints about their children, if you do you're jealous of the attention he gives them, you don't understand because you're not a parent and slowly you become an island to yourself. It's always them against me and I'm the crazy one! I've never had a huge outburst but I have broken down a few times, even took a break to a hotel for a few days to clear my head.

Now the daughter, 20 is a senior in college and have to say our relationship has improved . Thankfully time and distance away from her attitude and messiness has helped. The 18 year old son is about to head of to college tomorrow. My relationship with him has really deteriorated in the past year. We mostly ignore each other. However with both kids it's seems that I was designated to help them with their college finances and financial aid. That's where things really fell apart with the 18 year old. In trying to get things done in correct and timely matter I was met with resistance from every angle. The you're making a big deal out of nothing comment, sent me reeling. I've removed myself from that responsibility and I have to say I'm really still quite angry about it. Mostly upset with my husband for yet again taking his side and no apology for all the attitude and bad behavior. I know he'll be gone tomorrow to college thank goodness . I'm so excited I can't stand it but of course my husband is sad, melancholy about his departure. He wants me to be sympathetic to it but I'm just not.

I think what bothers me the most is that I'm left out of things, decisions, conversation. Just makes me feel that much more alienated from him and his children.

Thank you for the opportunity to vent. Best of luck to my fellow childless stepmoms. You are brave strong women!!
ellieedge ellieedge
51-55, F
3 Responses Aug 18, 2014

My wife recently left because I didn't support her. I encourage your husband to read my story. Best of luck to you and your family.

You are a brave, strong woman as well! And you are not alone, either, even though it often feels as if we are. So much of what you wrote was straight out of my life as well. I agree that the hardest part is being left out of things. I made the mistake of sympathizing with my husband when he finally stood up for me to one of his daughters (17) and then she froze him out. He hurt, and I hurt watching him hurt... but t didn't help him to sympathize with me, and when she opened the door a crack, he gushed to her about how much he loved her and missed her and sent her a gift... I was gobsmacked, but I got the point. He lets me suffer and offers no solace, so now, when it comes to his girls, he gets no sympathy from me. Rejoice in their absence. We have earned that. We have survived!!

You lasting their entire childhood and now into adulthood, is a HUGE success. My 2 stepdaughters are 5 and nearly 10 and they're sweet as can be. The bio mom makes our life a living hell. She only has them 8 nights a month and wants a butt load of child support...we pay and provide everything These are the only children I'll ever have and my husband is an amazing man, especially an amazing father...but its causing alot of stress on us and I hope I don't let the bipolar ex break us apart.

Oh wow, your story very very similar to mine, while I was reading it , it sounded exactly like my own story. I know it's a struggle for the husbands too trying to juggle everyone's emotions. Best of luck to you with the children thru the teenage years!! Hold on tight to yourself and your sanity!!! I'm so ready for this break!' My husband is moping around with empty nest syndrome, I'm ready to celebrate my freedom!!!