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So I Did....

Don’t freak, it was like 2 weeks ago... probably shortly after I wrote that last posting in here. If you know my stories you'd know I have a lot going on. Not that everybody doesn’t in theory... BUT well..... the things I have discovered about my family recently that urk me to the point of vomiting... Literally I have been bulimic about 10 years now. Before I was bulimic- I was a heavy cutter..... I cut all the time to feel pain, to expressed bottled pain, to be able to control the blade gave me some form of just that- control over pain. I've been sad my entire life and though the home life looked nice.... Through last month or so I have had memories begin to come back about my life. My father.... My sisters. The pain my family hid from me and this makes me ever so sad. Sick and sad. READ IT: Sadness boiling over, sick and sad. It was a post that I wrote immediately when this **** started to come back up. So many emotions that where flying like little demons hanging on my every limb and whispering the saddest thoughts and memories in my ear and my heart could hear EVERY word. And then there it was... a jewelry metal solder iron..... I heated it up. Fully intending to psyche myself out and not even go there really. But it was heated and I pressed it against my skin..... the pain I knew all too well that release of endorphins.... that familiar feeling of control over this moment, this pain..... here in my hands and all the sadness became still. The little demons hanging around faded if only for a few moments. I was calm with in myself. I could breath. Deep breaths...... and I know that this is no way to deal. I am aware this is no way to become better or heal or whatever..... I know this is wrong. I know .... I know .... I know.... I wont do it again unless the moment becomes to erratically terrifying I just may do something on impulse. So I cant promise you I wont EVER..... I just know the depths of pain and despair that take me there and thankfully I have enough love around me to help me out of these pits I fall into...... SO.... struggling with the possibility that this could become habitual was shut down quite quickly as I know that once I begin to make a habit out of it, it can and will over take me. So I wont. But I'll tell you this. I LOVE pain..... physical pain... the cutting- the burning.... tattoos. So even though I know I wont make a habit out of this, I do know that it crosses my mind often when I feel like I am about to loose it.

The other day, I was going to my sisters apartment..... I was going to help her move and just wanted to drink the night and our sorrows away with her..... So I  had accidentally left my drinks in the car.... BTW- My friends and I so loving call our concoctions "Drank" ...Again, I left our drank in the car and went to go get it. So, picture this little bit: Dranks undrank in hand. Walking through parking lot back to the apartment. Right foot steps on broken CD & slides unrelentingly forward. Left leg gets some really awesome splits action going to the back. BUT the pavement isn't my friend. Slid & skid. Scrapes & chunks of skin gone from knee & toe. :( BUT NO WORRIES- the drank was OK! My POINT IS THIS.... I wanted to feel pain..... pain that hurt SO much it felt great. Well, in the midst of my emotional battle there it was.... Pain. LOTS of it. We poured peroxide over the wound and there it was again.... pain. My sister asked, "Do you want me to stop?" I said "No I like it".... because she knows me well, she knew I meant it. Still, this ugly, painful, gouge under my knee and that little chunk from my toe have caused me quite discomfort and stupid irritated pain over the last few days..... It was kinda like the God of the Universe was all, "You wanna feel pain *****???? I got your pain right here!" The heavanlies opened up and threw that damn broken cd on the parking lot pavement..... and there it was pain. LOTS of it..... and though I liked it in a sick sort of way..... I'm kinda okay with letting it go at that. Really..... It's ever so annoying now... and irritating. If you made it this far down this rant then I appreciate you immensely.

I will put my best effort forth to make good on my life. I value myself esteem and emotional well being not on self induced and mutilating pain.... but I will be a little bit above that and in time this feeling to will fade..... or simply become numb like all the other dark things in my life.
AlyceOverTheRainbow AlyceOverTheRainbow 26-30, F 8 Responses Jul 5, 2011

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Hey, Ive read some of your stories and the best part is that your fun personality still shines through all that pain :) <br />
I kind of related to what you're going through. Its like all the years of life as you know it are not pure truth; there are so many unexplained moments that you never really paid attention to and sort of taken it as a given, but now there is a need to figure them out. Its pretty tough... <br />
You mentioned that you keep on having nightmares. Dreams can be very very powerful, they're like windows into your soul, if you pay attention they can tell you alot. I keep a dream journal and in tough times, dreams are most revealing. if you ever need help in understanding your nightmares, feel free to message me :)<br />
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best of luck...to both of us :)

A dream journal is an awesome idea. I've done this at different times in my life...and it has really helped. Great idea BBB! :)

I am not sure how i missed this comment. But thank you for your comments. I know I just feel numb to it all really..... I am sad about that. Not over the situation itself but that I have no feelings over it for now. I think I stuck it back in the hidden places of my mind because it pangs my soul to much to come to terms with it all. . . .

Kassie, &lt;3.

i think when you are mistreated as a child...the scars that become a part of your soul try to heal...but they become this jumbled mess because your soul is still growing...and it's still so fragile. And when the light shines from your soul on a good day...your see prisms of light shining outward...and it can be absolutely mesmorizing...but on a bad day...that light disappears...and the beautiful prism of colors become shades of gray...and it becomes so tough to escape all that gray. <br />
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I wish you prisms of light my friend. (((Hugs))) :)

beautifully written comment...... I LOVE It. Thank you.

A long time ago, when my drinking was out of control, an old AA member made me a promise:<br />
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"It never has to be like it was."<br />
<br />
OK?

I like that .... It's going in my little trusty book of rules....

Wow. OK if I freak just a little? My work includes some pain, mostly from different kinds of cuts, and includes occasionally getting some burns. I go with it and absorb it, but I could never say I love it. The really ironic part is the way you describe it, even I can see and feel it as your lover. Wow.

Yeah... it's sickeningto know this kind of pain can be addictive.... more addictive than any other drug that's held me hostage before..... It's just as addictive as my bulimia.... probably because I dont have to go and seek out the means of pain and self destruction..... it's just always here......Still I want to be better....

Thanks JenniferSometimes... She is a beuitiful rainbow butterfie....Love and Light Mary

Mary, what a sweetheart you are to offer your ear and your love to Alyce. Thank you. And Alyce, you know I'm here for you too.

Yes, I know...... Some daze are so dark.... Jenni always puts a little extra pep in muh step... &lt;3

I do try.

I know you can...I always say that I had to know everything I was Not....before I could know what I rael am...Love you and I am here if you ever should need some one to maybe take the edge off and make you smile...Love and Light Mary

Oh AlyceNWonderland why don't you just come and play in that garden with me...we will be like two butterfies fluttering by the tigerLilies....or lets go see that cat....don't look at the past...it is meet to bring you down....please when you want to cut could you just see if I am around lets do some channaling....I understand why you like the pain....because you feel this is the best way for you to feel.....with everything that has hurt you in the past....now you see what and who did these things to you....and that eurge surges though your whole body drawing you like the moth to the flame....ok but look feeling this with you really hurts....and I don't like it please lets talk....I need to understand....I don't want you to hurt so much....it absolutly takes my breath away....Mary

I knew you'd be the first to comment. Yes.... I need to channel this energy elsewhere. I have still yet to recover the suppressed issues involving myself directly. Mostly my memories are vague if there at all. Still, I think my nightmares tell me more because the subconscious cannot forget. Everything I know has to do with my sisters and their memories.... which is another story for another EP group. I have no closure still, I heard this today, ‎"That's a standard way of thinking, that there's justice and closure. The people who go through it, they deal with it forever." .... I don’t think closure ever happens either..... I think we deal with it and it becomes a part of who we are... and how we function and it will push us to be better and so better.... and live fuller lives...... I do believe this. I really do. I can get there.... I really can....

be better and do better- I meant