So I Did....Don’t freak, it was like 2 weeks ago... probably shortly after I wrote that last posting in here. If you know my stories you'd know I have a lot going on. Not that everybody doesn’t in theory... BUT well..... the things I have discovered about my family recently that urk me to the point of vomiting... Literally I have been bulimic about 10 years now. Before I was bulimic- I was a heavy cutter..... I cut all the time to feel pain, to expressed bottled pain, to be able to control the blade gave me some form of just that- control over pain. I've been sad my entire life and though the home life looked nice.... Through last month or so I have had memories begin to come back about my life. My father.... My sisters. The pain my family hid from me and this makes me ever so sad. Sick and sad. READ IT: Sadness boiling over, sick and sad. It was a post that I wrote immediately when this **** started to come back up. So many emotions that where flying like little demons hanging on my every limb and whispering the saddest thoughts and memories in my ear and my heart could hear EVERY word. And then there it was... a jewelry metal solder iron..... I heated it up. Fully intending to psyche myself out and not even go there really. But it was heated and I pressed it against my skin..... the pain I knew all too well that release of endorphins.... that familiar feeling of control over this moment, this pain..... here in my hands and all the sadness became still. The little demons hanging around faded if only for a few moments. I was calm with in myself. I could breath. Deep breaths...... and I know that this is no way to deal. I am aware this is no way to become better or heal or whatever..... I know this is wrong. I know .... I know .... I know.... I wont do it again unless the moment becomes to erratically terrifying I just may do something on impulse. So I cant promise you I wont EVER..... I just know the depths of pain and despair that take me there and thankfully I have enough love around me to help me out of these pits I fall into...... SO.... struggling with the possibility that this could become habitual was shut down quite quickly as I know that once I begin to make a habit out of it, it can and will over take me. So I wont. But I'll tell you this. I LOVE pain..... physical pain... the cutting- the burning.... tattoos. So even though I know I wont make a habit out of this, I do know that it crosses my mind often when I feel like I am about to loose it.
The other day, I was going to my sisters apartment..... I was going to help her move and just wanted to drink the night and our sorrows away with her..... So I had accidentally left my drinks in the car.... BTW- My friends and I so loving call our concoctions "Drank" ...Again, I left our drank in the car and went to go get it. So, picture this little bit: Dranks undrank in hand. Walking through parking lot back to the apartment. Right foot steps on broken CD & slides unrelentingly forward. Left leg gets some really awesome splits action going to the back. BUT the pavement isn't my friend. Slid & skid. Scrapes & chunks of skin gone from knee & toe. :( BUT NO WORRIES- the drank was OK! My POINT IS THIS.... I wanted to feel pain..... pain that hurt SO much it felt great. Well, in the midst of my emotional battle there it was.... Pain. LOTS of it. We poured peroxide over the wound and there it was again.... pain. My sister asked, "Do you want me to stop?" I said "No I like it".... because she knows me well, she knew I meant it. Still, this ugly, painful, gouge under my knee and that little chunk from my toe have caused me quite discomfort and stupid irritated pain over the last few days..... It was kinda like the God of the Universe was all, "You wanna feel pain *****???? I got your pain right here!" The heavanlies opened up and threw that damn broken cd on the parking lot pavement..... and there it was pain. LOTS of it..... and though I liked it in a sick sort of way..... I'm kinda okay with letting it go at that. Really..... It's ever so annoying now... and irritating. If you made it this far down this rant then I appreciate you immensely.
I will put my best effort forth to make good on my life. I value myself esteem and emotional well being not on self induced and mutilating pain.... but I will be a little bit above that and in time this feeling to will fade..... or simply become numb like all the other dark things in my life.
AlyceOverTheRainbow 26-30, F 8 Responses 0 Jul 5, 2011