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Lost With No Direction

there is so much going on. since December (especially) i have had strong thoughts of suicide. the school counselor had asked my mother to take me in for a psych evaluation but she refused. CPS got involved, but it did nothing but get me bitched at more. i'm dealing with a lot of trauma from physical and sexual abuse, and by three different people. my PTSD is very bad anymore. within the past year, i have lost seven people (death), been assaulted, switched therapists (twice), been threatened by my mother (not to cut, not to tell anyone i'm suicidal, not tell anyone anything, much more), she tells me things that makes me feel better off dead (blaming me because she's going to lose her job because of me apparently, yelling at me for stuff i have no control over, like losing the house, not having money for food or bills, etc), had my family treat me like garbage, always acting horrible to me, been in the psych ward (september), almost wrecked, got introduced to snorting pills, decided i had to stop drinking, been threatened by another male, had to report something that has been a dreadful secret for years, and quite frankly, i just want to die. its hard to sit here and pretend i'm all right when i'm really not ok in any sense. my mind is unstable, i feel the need to cut, im going to be in trouble if its seen and i do it, but it seems fitting right now. i feel like i need it. i need to see myself bleed, know i did it, but im not supposed to. holding it all in isnt going to help me at this point, and im going to break and attempt again. i came so close to it in april, and sitting here now, i feel like i should have just done it anyway. 
with the abuse, feelings of blame are coming back and theyre strong as well. i wish he would have just killed me. it would have been easy. all he had to do was clasp his hands a little tighter, and it would have been better. >_<
monsterwithinme monsterwithinme 16-17, F Jun 9, 2012

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