Sick Of It.

Some day's I just feel like cutting myself open, like a patient being operated on. Carving myself harshly like a pumpkin ready for Halloween.

I get severely depressed and even discussing self-harm sounds almost musical to me; I want to cut and cut, I want to punch myself, I want to burn myself -- I just want to feel it.
I don't necessarily want to kill myself (at the moment), but the idea of causing myself terrible physical pain on my skin sounds nice.

Nobody knows (except my counselor) how severely depressed I get, that I slip in to dark places (a lot).

.....I'm currently depressed right now but I have no idea why. Besides financial problems, worry of my future, worried of so much garbage, obsessing, this life is so boring and seems so evil and unfair and bland and ugly and wretched.
I want to kill myself sometimes, of course, but I don't believe it's the right choice.

I just want to live on my own, meet friends who are like me, become successful in making art, meet good men, be happy....
but yet I fear I'll never amount to much and I'll be too late. I worry I'll end up a nothing, working at a burger joint my whole life and married to a slob, instead of living for what I believe my purpose is: to create art.

I'm also afraid that people will write my fiction stories before I do and beat me to it. I'm afraid they'll take my place too! Whether they be (bad) people from my past/present or random people. I am afraid of everyone taking my ideas and place! I am just so worried and anxious and confused and afraid and depressed!

I hate this.
I felt confident earlier this morning, but now, a short while ago, I suddenly felt like my fuel ran out and I'm now mentally drained.
I just want it to stop. Days like this, like yesterday, I wish I hadn't been conceived. It would've saved me from all this pain I've been given in my life from family, people at my church, and even hurtful strangers. From my own mind.

Ugh...

(By the way, please don't take offense to any of this -- I hope none of this was offensive.)