Hanging On The Edge Of Gloomits been over 4 years since i last cut. i wanted to see myself bleed. i needed to feel that there was someone called 'me' inside. it was a tough time...well it still is. it doesn't have anything to do w/ my husband or my 2 kids, just me.
i am clinically depressed. that's what shrinks call it at least. i have to take meds, some kind or another for the rest of my life. i hate the thought of that! ugh
every single day, w/o fail. sometimes i try to stay off the meds, but its not possible. i tense up, get angry, feel that a dark cloud is only over my head. negativity. pessimism. i almost feel better that way. but i know my family can't take it. i can't be like that around them. they know that i have depression. they know i'm going to a couselor. at least my husband and my older child. nothing seems to help. i feel some sort of warmth hurting myself. its been tough these past few months.
we are looking for new jobs out of state. both my husband and i have jobs, but there is nowhere to go here. i mean that literally and figuratively i guess. i've had 2 interviews so far, but no call backs.
my husband and i don't communicate, hardly at all. we need to talk. i miss staying up late w/ him, playing cards, drinking, playing our version of '***** session' where we tell each other what we don't like about the other. so its all out in the open and no more looks and glances. strange looks, stares.
the fact that i have another man on the side is not helping one bit. he has a family too, a wife and kids. it just began. it has been going on for i guess 2 years now. our 'relationship' if i can call it that. we started out being friends, then it quickly turned into what it is now. sneaking around, lieing at times to our families. as if we can keep it secret. nothing ever stays a secret.
the first time i ever hurt myself, i didn't keep it a secret. i had just had enough. not to seriously hurt myself, but to 'superficially' hurt me. i did it. i hurt me. i am still hurting me. not physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. it affects my home life, my job, myself to the core.
i found a knife at home that i will use. very soon. i don't know when, but soon. i am very close now. hanging on the cliff of the abyss.