Stuck In a Relationship Rut

I think I've just realized that I'm stuck in the rut of my marriage.  It's been dawning on me slowly, slowly, and I've been running from really facing this.  It's really hard to admit it to myself.

I tell myself I need to fight to keep my marriage alive.  After all, isn't this what you're supposed to do?  I have children to think about.  Breaking up our family may not be best for them.  I don't have it so bad.  My husband doesn't hit me or treat me badly.  He is mainly kind and responsible and has many good qualities.  He takes good care of me.  What do I have to complain about?

But there is something wrong.  In fact, it was there from the beginning.  When we started dating I almost called it quits, because there were things about him I really didn't like.  But I told myself to give him a chance.  He really seemed to love me.  He took care of me.  He helped me to come out of my shell.  Life was more adventurous with him than without him.  He must be 'the one', I told myself.  Who else would love me?

Now 18 years have gone by.  I started realizing I was unhappy about 2 or 3 years ago.  I started looking at my life, and making changes that I wanted.  I went back to school, changed careers, doing something that I love to do.  I found a new focus and passion in my life through a quest towards spirituality.  I found a place where I could express myself, and found that others responded, that I was an intelligent person who had something to share with the world.  I found some friends I really connected with, and through them explored who I really was.  I found my own happiness within, and I found love in another. 

I confronted my husband about my unhappiness, opened up and admitted what I could see.  Things got better for a time, and we had many ups and downs, got close to splitting up, then made up again.  I think this was mainly out of fear, the patching things up part.  Fear of the unknown. 

My husband grew afraid of losing me, and he has changed a lot, trying to please me constantly.  But honestly, even though he keeps telling me how much he loves me and tries to demonstrate it, I only see fear in his eyes, not love.  I only see a fear of being alone, and I don't really see the love at all.

And I have lost so much feeling for him.  I'm not really sure it was there in the first place.  I stay because I'm afraid.  I stay because I have no 'good excuse' to leave.  How would I explain it to my family and friends?  How would I explain it to my children??  Can I even explain it to myself, the why of this impulse to leave?  How could I break his heart?  How could I make it on my own?  Do I really even want to?

I'm not sure.  I know I can only act when I am sure.  I need to get clear.  I need a serious look at the reality of my life.  Whatever that is.

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3 Responses Mar 25, 2009

Hi, how has it been going? Have things gotten better? I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for about 6 years now and I just want it to go away!

This is exactly how I'm feeling about my relationship. I'm not married and no kids, but I am supposed to be getting married soon and now of all moments I'm starting to think maybe I Can't last the till death with him that marriage should be.

you need to ask yourself the question, " Is it worth breaking your own heart to stay there"<br />
Kid's adapt, I know you are not feeling this on a whim, go with your gut , head high. Do whatever you chose to do for yourself.