Oftentimes, my vanilla side wrestles with the submissive side. I try to keep them in balance, but one sometimes overpowers the other. It's like I have that devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, and both keep chirping in my ear what I should be doing.

About 7 months ago, a Dom made me recognize this whole submission thing. Up until then, I hadn't a clue, and my life was fine.

Very very boring, but fine.

When answering his questions and diving deeper into my wants and needs, it's like the bulb lit up. I'm like hey....that explains that behavior and that explains that behavior, although I'm basically you're overly opinionated stubborn female.

All of a sudden, I wanted life to change on a dime. I wanted hubby to be Dominant and be the head of the household and I was going to fall right into that submissive role including the chains.

Problem was, hubby's more submissive than I am. So, there went that idea. We did try though, and by God, that was the best time I've had with him in a long time.

That led me to online stuff. Do I have issues with that? Of course. Am I confused about the future? Damn right I am. But for now, that submissive side at least has a voice and is being taken care of, and rather well I must add. I nearly gave up on the whole submissive thing for awhile, but luckily fate lead me to someone perfect for me. But I do hate keeping secrets. I hate being "undercover." It's stressful, but the joy it gives me totally outweighs the stress.

Funny how I've fought these feelings for years, and finally when I recognized them I feel much freer, although I still boss around pretty much everyone else in my life. :)

Hissoumise Hissoumise
36-40, F
8 Responses Jul 17, 2010

There is some damb good insight here. Thank you for helping us all work thru our struggles!

Man oh man. How you have the gift of putting my thoughts down so wonderfully I'll never know. <br />
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Thank you for this. There are so many people who believe in saving the marriage at all costs, and it's so hard to explain to them why I just can't. Recently he wanted to try counseling yet again and I refused. Honestly, what will that accomplish but more unhappiness. And for what? The sake of the children? I'm miserable. For awhile there, all they'd ask was, "Are you crying again Mommy?" yikes. Like I want them to see me like that. <br />
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And yes, I did try ways to help the marriage. I also tried ways to keep myself happy along with the marriage. But like you said, once I discovered things about myself, there's no turning back. And it's not just the submissive stuff. I'm wrestling with my family (I'm finally admitting I came from an alcoholic family) and with the fact my friends are not very supportive. There's a lot going on in my head, and to make a decision is a good thing. Lol<br />
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Hugs, Yossi. :) you're a keeper

Oh, and just to clarify, what I meant about not using the kids as a reason... I meant that people use the kids as an excuse to remain in a passionless marriage. They use the kids as arsenal against their spouse. People use the kids... rather than love the kids. That part disgusts me. To look at a child and use them for leverage against an adult. Making decisions FOR the kids,,, good thing. Making a decision using the kids as a contrl measure... bad thing. Hope you understand and HISSOUMISE's story doesn't blow up with people pissed at me.

I'm often alarmed at the number of people who scramble toward, "save the marriage at all costs" mentality. While I feel your pain (more acutely than most!!), let's play devil's advocate, shall we? At the end of the day, there aren't as many options as people would like to think that SAVE the marriage. Self-discovery is a one way ticket. Once it's KNOWN, you can not ever UNKNOW it. So the idea of trying to stuff the evil genie back into his jar is just plain stupid. The facade method (where you and I have lived for the past year of our lives along with scores of other men and women who dared to know their self); is bullshit. And if you think I'm wrong, YOU try it. Try to pretend that someone that no longer meets your needs is STILL the best thing since sliced bread. Try to pretend your soul doesn't yearn for a different life. Try to pretend that the emptiness that threatens to swallow you whole doesn't feel a whole lot like drowning. Try to pretend that you could EVER feel for your spouse the way you felt before your awakening. It's a load of crap and it's a lie. AND, it's a bigger lie than all the other lies because you're lying to YOURSELF. For the sake of argument, let's just say that there are scores of other options (can't think of any others personally). But let's pretend for a moment that there is hope for this marriage. Let's argue for her husband for a second. You're saying he's more submissive than you are, and I believe you. So what are we saying? That we're going to take this man, who had no idea his wife was a subbie, and force HIM to be differently than he is? For the sake of the "marriage?" YES, it's pure hell, YES, it's difficult, and when kids are involved, multiply that by eight thousand. So what, we raise these kids to believe that it's more important for them to maintain the facade than it is for them to live fully realized lives? It's bullshit. It's a bad plan anytime ANYONE uses the kids as a REASON to do, or not to do anything. Kids never benefit when we start of entreating them with lies.<br />
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Wrestling is a good term. Because sometimes one side is winning, and the other losing. It's how I feel a lot of the time, struggling with two opposing halves. But, something someone once told me is a truth I want to live: we are all living dual lives. We're all good and bad; nice and mean; evil and pure. We are all beautiful and ugly; crazy and sane; light and dark. Rather than struggle with the paradoxical nature of duality, perhaps we can strive to blend them instead.

I have researched the whole switch thing and I just don't like who I am when I'm in control. I could see myself as a Domme easily, but I like myself better as a sub. <br />
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Yes, nine months ago i was still trying with my husband. Now we are divorcing. Some people and ways cannot be changed.

I can relate to your story so well. I am much the same way, also discovering all this later in life. I know exactly what you mean about feeling free. I feel like I'm on an endless adventure & I'm having a great time.

a common dilemna ..... you are not alone. and as it should be, your Dom should guide you to the solution that is in your best interest.

Nixxon...I've thought about that and even approached hubby on that but he wants nothing to do with it.<br />
Taken...I know. :( That's why the title is wrestling. I'm always wrestling with what's right and what I need.