I Left My Dom Yesterday.

i am submissive. i have been this way for as long as i can remember. I will not tolerate abuse and that is what i was experiencing. he didn't hurt me physically but he was doing me harm emotionally and that was taking a toll. during our 3 years togther he wanted me to quit my job. he didn't like the attention from guys i got. i did. he asked me to sell my car to save on the payments, insurance costs, gas and maintenance. i did. he put heavy restrictions on my computer use and would take it away for days. he felt my associations with others was distracting me from my servatude to him. he took my phone for the same reason. he also ordered me to gain 1 pound a week until i had gained 20 extra pounds. he doesnt like fat girls he just wanted me large enough so other men would stop looking at me. people in here told me i needed to renegotiate. i tried and he only became more angry and stubborn. he refuses to talk anything out. he ices me out with silent treatments for days at a time. it all came to a head this week and he told me it was either his way or the doorway. i left the next day. i left all the things he bought me behind and took only what i arrived with. i am back in a small apartment over my parents garage but at least it isn't their basement. i lived at home before i moved in with rick/the now ex. i am only 24 and do not need to be closed off from my family and friends. he didn't want me talking to anyone during my days at home. he didnt even want me to wave at the neighbor. i am free again and next time i will be much more careful. i have people in here to thank for waking me up to this not being d/s but abuse. i need to find a job and replace my phone, car and computer. i am now using old phone and pc my parents loaned me. i also need to find my self esteem again but with time i will. i have my pride, dignity and freedom. for now that has to be enough. i thought i loved him. i thought he loved me. i was wrong on both counts.
Tammykinz Tammykinz
22-25, F
28 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I'm so happy you got out of the abuse. A true relationship will fullfill both. This is good news you are a strong beautiful woman

I don't like people that think they are entitle to own others whether they are boyfriends or husbands or wives or girlfriends! We should all be free to be humans and have others accept us as we are!

D and s life is a choice made by both people. it\'s complicated and if you arent into it its hard to explain. its not about entitlement for a real dom it is just who they are.

I seriously thought dom/sub dynamic included emotional degradation but Einstein did say *the who never commits errors never learns anything new* I’m happy u saved ur self

just notices story is 2012, how ur doing so far?

much better i am with a new Dom who knows how its done and treats me with respect and love. the bad one was a sadist coward acting on his ego, not a Dom at all. I have learned about this in a trial by fire kind of way but i have learned.

i am like this now. my bf is in control of everything and i need to get out. he sold my car and has made sure i couldnt keep my friends or job. i have no family to go to but i am working out another way to break free. he cheats on me all the time and says it isnt cheating it is just that a dom has the right to be with whoever and a sub gets her bills paid so she has no say. he was different in the beginning but he changed fast once i moved in. i am his maid now nothing else.

You are a person, not an object. He was trying to erase your soul. Well done in getting out. He was frightened and weak.

thank you. your right that is what he was trying. i understand just how weak a person is when they do those things now.

I have a firm belief that if a man can take a woman from me... or any man ...then it was not working anyway! You are LUCKY to have broken away from your abuser...

thanks, it was the smartest thing i ever did! i have since found a wonderful man who has taught me what love realy is and what it feels like and it is much better then anything i ever had with this abuser.

You did the right thing by leaving. He should have done things to lift your self esteem not try to reduce you to nothing. So what if men look at you. I would find it a badge of honor that men were looking at you and you were mine.

thanks coldwarrior i appreciate how kind you are. i am happy I left him and never regretted it. It was the best decision i ever made.

A real Dom taking in a sub, will look after the sub, take care her needs are recognized and fullfilled, new experiences are made in accordance to her mental state. I don't know how to express it in English (my native language is German), but a good Dom takes a serious responsibility and takes care of his sub(s), at least I do. In my eyes a serious and successful D/s relationship puts the sub in a very strong position and puts a lot of restrictions on the dom.

Yes, I am finding this to be very true with the Doms who are serious and not just abusers looking for a way to hurt women.

for U to be able to be submissive to a man, he MUST EARN your respect.
a submissive woman is a gift. why would anyone abuse and mistreat a gift?
think about it...

I am learning this as well and you are very correct in what you say.

at beginning when I read i am submissive I auto thought its a self esteem situation. take care of ur self girl lots of abusers outthere

i am learning just how right you are

thank you all for your replies.

Tammykins, you are to be Honoured. I hope you find peace now, strong lady. Respect, Mz Maihem

You definitely did the right thing for you own sanity if nothing else! Good for you for thinking enough of yourself....this man was more than a Dom he was cutting you off from life.

i see just how isolated i had become now that i am away from him. it seems we never realize how damaging something is becoming when we are in the center of the situation. thank you.

Congrats Tammy! You so did the right thing. I see a lot of good advice already in the comments so all I want to say is awesome job in leaving him and I hope you find a proper Dom who actually deserves you <3

thank you i was amazed at how many people offered good advice.

I'm proud of you for having the strength to leave.
Hugs <3

thank you for reading this and leaving your comment. all the support in here has been so nice to have.

Congratulation for getting out of that situation. You are a very strong lady. Even though you may be a submissive you still do not have to put up with abuse.

thank you roegr. i am struggling right now to find work but i am pleased i got out of a bad relationship. i would rather be alone then with him. i have my friends and family back and that feels good.

It is always good to have friends and family around you. They can give support and friendship.

Sorry you had to deal with this guy. He was not a Dom but an abuser.

thank you MasterJM70, he was. i am glad i realized it and left.

awesome! a loving dominant and an abusive, controlling man aren't the same. but abusive men are attracted to bdsm sometimes cuz then they feel validated. after healing, I hope you can find the loving dominance that we all crave

thank you darktippedrose

good for you! leave that mindless scumbag to stroke his own ego alone. i hate men who try to find their ballz by abusing women. nothing wrong with bunkin at the parental units place. keep safe and listen to the advice for keeping alert with this man. he sounds completely fukked in the head to me.

thank you myaah for reading and sharing your bold and colorful honesty with me. i like how you get right to the point. he is messed up in the head.

I am so happy that you have found your own strength. A true Dom is a person whos control is to help you become a better person. It is done with love and protection. Never control. You do those things because you want to, because they endear you to your Master. And in turn they treat you with loivng kindness. We all make errors in judgement. But wisdom is the greatest gift a teacher could give. And i am glad that we all have some wonderful teachers here in EP land.

thank you lunazule wisdom is a great gift i am incredibly grateful for all the wisdom shared with me.

I am so glad that you found the strength to leave. A few do called dom confuse being a controll freak with being dominant a hard lesson learnt but at least you out of it now and the only way forward is up... Good luck to you and well done i am sure you will find support on here from your friends....

thank you jaybee994, he is a control freak, i see that now. i have learned much about sub and dom life from people on this website.

iam a switch and would love tha chance to chat and swap ideas if you would like?? just addd me

The guy doesn't sound like a Dom he sounds like a selfish bully who isn't man enough to handle you. A proper Dom would be proud of your beauty, concerned for your physical and emotional health, and not require that you be anything less than the wonderful woman you are in order to feel good about himself. Don't settle for anything less than a real man next time

thank you damselfly, you are right, he was being very selfish and egotistical in his wants and thought treating me like a child would work. i am submissive but also an adult. i finally see this.

Good for you! There is nothing wrong with being submissive (talking from experience). But having said that the Dominant in a relationship has many responsibilities, and it sounds as if yours was neglecting his! This type of relationship can be rewarding and enriching, but not all men are qualified leaders. It was his job to ensure that you are mentally, emotionally and physically sound! You need someone who loves you enough to put your needs ahead of his own, from what you wrote this was not the case. Take the time to recover emotionally and find out what you really need from someone else, and above all don't settle! We may be submissive, but ideally we hold quite a bit of power. If the men we choose to be our leaders are not living up to the standard that they should, we hold the right to leave. I'm so happy you didn't stand for the abuse. I'm sure there is someone out there for you who will give you everything you need, and even a little of what you want. My heart go's out to you, if you need anything, drop me a line.

thank you traditionalwifeanjul, good advice, i am taking a long break from men so i may sort out my own thoughts and feelings.

Actually Tammy - when you think bout it - you slipped back into your self esteem when you walked out that door. He was holding it beneath your surface, and once free it pops right back up again. I applaud your decision and action. The action's the hardest part.

I also applaud the support of the community here, especially sierra & Rubies. More than once I've pointed a young woman curious bout submission in their direction. I hope it isn't bothersome for them, but it kinda comes with the territory when you're a role model.

Peace and best wishes for you. Breathe that air, Tammy.

thank you hlpflwthat. i am shocked at how many people replied and were so supportive with this. i am also very grateful. i talk to sierra all the time and agree that she is a wonderful friend and person. her husband k is very kind and incredibly intelligent to. i know sierra admires redrubies so red has to be fantastic as well. i have found wonderful people. i feel better today.

Aww hlpf.... I am no role model but I thank you for your vote of confidence. Always glad to help in a tiny way.

Tammy Sierra is fantastic friend and has a lot of common sense. Yet another good choice on your part ;-)

Tammy, good decision in my opinion. You will find the right Dom I am sure about that.
You have all your life ahead of you - and this experience can make you stronger and better person and submissive. Good luck in future.

thank you MrQ.

Wow Tams...just wow....I am sooo sorry that this didn't work out but I am soooo glad you did the smart thing and left. I'm also glad you listened to folks who offered you good solid advice too. I wish more girls would do that.

D/s is all about BOTH partners bonding and working in behalf of each other. Isolating a person and telling them to do unhealthy things like gain weight and leave valued friends screams dysfunction as far as I am concerned. Not the actions of a real Dom by a long shot. Real Doms are confident enough to not need to isolate their partners for fear of unwanted attention from other peeps. They know they have what it takes to capture their partners devotion and hold it no matter who is around.

I think you pulled yourself out of a very negative situation and I am so proud of you for it. It took guts and strength!!! ♥ I give you a ton of admiration for that.

There is nothing wrong with moving back home either. I'd go back home in a heartbeat if K and I broke up and I am 10 years older then you!. You're safe and honestly loved there and that is what you need right now. You have your whole life to strike out and find independence.

Be cautious tho for awhile till you see how he handles this. Keep doors locked and an eye out. Not to be paranoid just to be safe......I'll write more about this in my answer to your letter.....hugs and hugs and hugs.....He might well try to pull something to get you back too. Be super careful with that possible trap too. Maybe check in with some of the good Doms in here for some added advice on this.....

"Not to be paranoid just to be safe"

And smart.

I should also point out that isolating a partner from friends and other potential sources of support is the textbook pattern of behaviour of an abuser

Textbook is right.

thank you from the very bottom of my heart sierra. you have listened to me nearly from the first day i arrived on experience project and you have helped me see things quite a lot more clearly. thank k to. he is a real dom even though he doesn't like the title. :-) I think your right about being careful to. i got some sleep and then spent 4 hours searching for a job. i might have a few prospects! if all else fails i can go around and do cuts freelance for shut ins and others without transportation. i know another hairdresser who does this and makes a reasonable income. we have quite a few adult assisted living complexes, aka senior citizen homes, in this area, maybe that and another part time position will hold me over until i get something more permanent.

what an AWESOME thread this turned into...Seee. ep ROCKS with stuff like this sometimes.... ♥ YOU found your own strength in this...YOU need the pats on the back for having the guts to move forward like this! All the most AWESOME advice in the world means nothing unless the person getting it is willing to do the work.... YAYY YOU!! for doing what needed to be done. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that you find a good job I LOVE the idea of going around and doing hair for folks who can't get out!! That ROCKS!! hugs and hugs......

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I second Satalite! Kudos to you for not staying in an unhealthy relationship; many people unfortunately would.

From what you had shared previously, you were never going to be able to trust this man and that negates any basis for a D/s relationship. A-N -Y. You deserve someone who will cherish and value you. Just because a man calls himself a Dom does not make him one.

Take some time to get your bearings and feel stronger. You chose wisely; I tip my hat to you for recognizing your worth!

Aww more good thoughts from one of my very, most favorite subby-girls ANYWHERE!! I TOTALLY agree too!

And me to you! You are always so supportive and amazing. Always.

thank you redrubies for taking time to read and comment. all of these words have helped me.

You are so very welcome Tammy :)

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Let me be the first to say.... I'm proud of you. I'm glad you realized there was a difference between D/s and abuse. There are to many people like your ex who use it as an excuse for abuse. Please don't let your ex have any bearing on how you feel about yourself. He is not worth a second thought. You will find a person who wants to be as special to you as you are to them. :)

I LOVED reading this Satalite!!! Soooo true!!

Thank you. I love to see people make right choices. Even if they are hard ones. I loved what you had to say too. It sounds like you ladies have chatted before. I'm glad she has a few safe/friendly ears to hear her. :)

Thanks, we have been talking for awhile now. ep can hold a lot of good thoughts from great folks....

Satalite it's wonderful seeing what you've said - touched the right chord.

As yours did for me damselfly. I'm so glad to see all these great responses for her. Yours being one of them.

thank you satalite and damselfly your words were a help for me to.

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