My wonderful sweet dorky weird boyfriend of 4 years proposed last weekend and of course I said yes, so now we are engaged. This is amazing news! Television and fifties movies starring Audrey Hepburn tell me I should be floating on a cloud or tap dancing to choreographed musical ditties, yet I am filled with dread. The reason? I don' feel like I earned or deserve this beautiful life I lead. I feel intimidated by the strength of character that his mother has and I feel incapable of filling any shoes thrown at me. I was raised in an abusive familial situation drugs ,screaming, people being thrown into walls, police officers at my house trips to the mental hospital and meth heads were just part of my life. I did eventually escape at sixteen. Lived with my grandmother for a bit to try to escape it all but she too was verbally abusive and I spent the rest of my childhood in my room. Avoiding confrontation and storing food and urine under my bed so we wouldn't accidentally bump into each other more than necessary. I dropped out of college and figured it was for the best I had never been very good in school. Hitched myself to an abusive boyfriend that lead me on a five year odyssey where I was humiliated, ignored, abused, treated like primordial filth, survived an abortion and then starved of affection and love and made to feel as though I was too horrible and stupid to deserve it. Exodus: My ex and I moved to the Bay Area , where I started to make friends outside of the tight cloistered circle of our previous friendships and I began to discover the kind of situation I had put myself in and broke it off. The joyous fall out from this relationship lead me to a few rebounds then my current fiancé who treated me like I had never been treated before. Not just like a lady but some one who deserved respect and was intelligent enough to make their own decisions. Then I met his family. These people are accomplished scholars. Graduates with fields and recognition. People with determination and fire. Enter me: A basket case with no education, no job and generalized anxiety disorder. I wouldn't want MY child to date me. Gosh what does his family think?
RoseHoneyBee RoseHoneyBee
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 19, 2014

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