A few months ago I experienced an episode of psychosis, where I felt like I had died and gone to hell. The things that made me think this are hard to explain but the signs and triggers still appear everyday. I still believe I died and I am in hell, so my care coordinator arranged for me to see a pdoc and I was put onto antipsychotics.

I am terrified every minute and everyday of my life, that I am in hell, that I will suffer like this forever. I get really bad nightmares now (I think is due to lack of sleep or medication). I hardly trust anyone as I believe they are all demons trying to make me believe they are my family and friends when really they are trying to hurt me.

I relate to certain songs and things in the media, and they make me believe even more that I am in hell (which I think is their aim) but still everytime I hear songs with burn/fire/heat references (they're pretty often) I get extremely frightened. I am only 19 and at university, I want to continue with my normal life but it feels like something is missing. I keep thinking about 'forever', what's the point of life if we all live forever? This scares me a lot too, not a lot of people truly understand the meaning and depth of forever.

I often have thoughts about trying to end my life, just to see what would happen, would I 'die' again and this cycle continues? Or maybe this is just psychosis and then I would actually just die. The latter is the reason I haven't done it yet, because IF my family and friends are real, and IF I still have my whole future ahead of me then I would seem a very silly idea to end my life because of this. But its the 'IF's and 'BUT's that make my life very hard to get on with. I just wish there was someone out there who truly understands, my family struggle to understand why I feel so anxious and depressed all the time, I don't think they even know how it feels.

RobynGreen RobynGreen
22-25, F
Aug 20, 2014