About a week ago, I realized that I am suffering from depression. That I have been for about 7 months. I never realized it before because I would just push my feelings and thoughts away to the back of my mind. I couldn't face them because they hurt too much and it brought me down. I ended up coming across an article about what it's like to be depressed and I realized that it was like they were describing me. A friend had told me a few months back that it sounded like I was depressed but I didn't want to believe her. I thought that I was just going through some heartbreak and a little unhappiness. It wasn't until I read the article that everything made sense and I realized the truth. Now that I know, I am even worse than I was when I didn't know. Now I can't lie to myself and hide my thoughts and feelings.
Around the time that I found out I had depression, my appetite started going. I went from eating three meals a day to just eating dinner and barely eating much at that. I have hunger pains almost all of he time but I'm just not up to eating. I try and eat sometimes because I know I should but I don't enjoy it at all. I have lost almost ten pounds in the last week. I would normally love that I am losing weight since I want to, but not like this.
I have tried to reach out to a few of my family members to let them know what I suffer from and so maybe they can be there for me. I told my mom and she basically said it was something I needed to get through on my own. She has abandoned me when I have needed her so many times that this is the last straw. I'm not forgiving her for the times she has done this anymore. It's just difficult now because I am living with her right now and all I want to do is get away from here. To be with people that love and understanding me. Someone who really cares about me and wants to be there for me. The person that makes me feel the most loved and cared for is my ex. Once I told him I have been battling depression for a while and didn't really know it, he said that that made sense. He didn't know I was depressed before I told him but he understood completely once I did tell him. He told me himself that he is battling his own depression himself. He makes me feel the happiest and gets my mind off of things. We have been over for about 7 months now but we have both thought of getting back together because we know that we are happier together. Yes, we have problems but underneath everything we are happier in each other's company. We are both so alone now and I think we need each other. I just hate it because I don't see that happening. I want it to because I finally want to be happy again for more than a few moments and I can't stand living in a household where I feel so alone. I would rather be living by myself and alone than feel so alone when I am living in a household full of people.
I'm so lost and scared and I don't know what to do. Every day is so hard and I'm trying to grasp for any kind of happiness but I always end up with nothing. I hate being in a state where life is so difficult and I don't know if I want to try anymore or not.
LameyC LameyC
22-25, F
Aug 21, 2014