My Husband Has Left Me For His Ex Wife.

I feel as if I am in a bad episode of Jerry Springer. The man I loved and adored, who wrote the most beautiful wedding vows when we married, the man who didn't get along and believed he had been wounded and cheated by his second ex wife, left me for her. He remet her at her niece's funeral. Her niece was a ********...yes, they met and began their romance at a ********'s funeral. He came home one night smelling of perfume and told me he had been to walmart to test perfumes to buy me for my 50th birthday. Next day I found two receipts, one for dinner and the other for roses, I confronted him convinced their must be an innocent explanation. He told me he still had feelings for his ex, that she "filled his void". I had been working for three years on night shift, studying at college and doing two days a week internship. He had lost his job of 22 years last October. I collapsed the day after he told me and ended up in hospital. He turned up at the hospital and I am lying in a bed on a drip, with an ekg machine strapped to my chest, all drugged up and he started telling me I needed to have compassion for him and that he was "conflicted." On the day of my 50th he chose instead to go to his son's stag party and he took his ex wife to the wedding in Minnestota. I don't know who this man is? Where did my honest devoted husband go to? What kind of love is it that exist between him and her that could hurt people and begin in lies and deception. He has moved fast...moved in with her the week after he told me the news. He is three payments bhind in our mortgage and didn't tell me. She has a full time job and he is on unemployment and working on the side, drawing quite and income. He has been over when I have been out and taken things out of the house without my permission. I experience waves of shock, depression, anger.....he acts as if nothing significant has happened. I have been totally blindsided.Things were good between us so I thought. I never would have believed him capable of such cruelty. If I cry or get angry he tells me I am being "unreasonable"- and I guess this proves to him that he made the right decision. I feel in my guts it won't work out with his ex (it didn't before) but I am still heartbroken and reeling over the whole nightmare. I did nothing wrong. I loved him. I trusted him. We are still married and he came over to the house to mow her lawn wearing her wedding ring. (he kept it all this time?) It is as if he is not content to have moved on to new love so quickly, but he has some kind of sadistic need to rub salt in my wound. What happened to the many who came home through the door saying "hi babycakes" and kissed me. What happened. I am stuck in this agonising heartbreak and althought I know intellectually what he has done has been horrific...the heart part of me wants him to come home.
elizablue elizablue
46-50, F
12 Responses Jul 21, 2010

My heart goes out to you! My husband of 23 years (we've lived together for 26 years on March 26th) left me 6 weeks ago. She left him 28 years ago while he was on a business trip! The thing is, I'm disabled and have been for 20 years. I haven't driven in 20 years. I haven't been able to lift a gallon of milk in 20 years. At 12:15 on Feb. 2nd, I got "Honey, I got your favorite pizza for lunch! Would you like a slice?" And at 5:40 that same day, I got "I've filed for divorce, I'm taking the dog, and I'm leaving."

He claims he hasn't been happy in years. Yet, just 2 weeks before leaving, he told 3 separate friends that his life was "pure bliss"! He hasn't worked in 12 years -- I've taken care of him with a combination of my disability income and the business that I built for us. His job was to take care of me! He spent $3,000 to $4,000 a MONTH on whatever he wanted -- over and above the bills. And now I'm broke, alone, and can't even manage living by myself!

Any of the arguments that I come up with around honoring your wedding vows fall on deaf ears because I'm told "Well, that's what I'm trying to do!" We are Roman Catholic and his divorce to her was annulled 24 years ago so he doesn't have a commitment to her any longer.

I'd love to say that I'm tired of being a doormat as one of the commenters suggests, but I truly can't live by myself. I don't have the funds for a nursing home. And I'm only 52 so that wouldn't be a great solution for the rest of my life anyway!

Does anyone have any suggestions at all for how to get this man to honor our vows? We really did have a GREAT life together! He truly was happy! And I'm willing to work on any issue that he wants me to! Help!

My heart goes out to you. I am suffering through a similar situation. I wish you and all good women who go through hell because of their selfish, entitled significant others, good health, strength and happiness. Rejoice that you are away from your husband who I liken to a bad disease.

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Lisa Rabiye

He did some major betrayals and doesn't seem to care one tiny bit about how bad it hurt you. I would get the meanest, smartest, most aggressive attorney I could afford. Tell him your situation with the house and ask if there is a way to sell it immediately and pocket the cash or have it put completely in your name without your ex's consent - that is if you want to keep it. Maybe you can do a refi and lower the payments. He left you. And believe it or not, the one who stays in the house has more rights to it than the one who vacates. At least in my state. <br />
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I hold out little hope he will come back to you without having some agenda in the back of his mind. As in you being the fall back girl whenever he gets lonely. The way he has treated you... Why would you want him back? There are better guys out there, and you sound like the responsible one. So you can probably find someone new who is also responsible. Who will be a much better partner. And who will love you.

My husband could not give up any of his xwives because he said he felt guilty for the things he had done in the past. I told him that I was one x wife that he had no need to feel guilty about. Move on and do better with the next one. Just sit that love on the shelf time heels all.
Good Luck

Why ate you a doormat ?

Bull! This man has too much power over YOU! In order to gain your self esteem again is to get a divorce,change your number, and NEVER let him in YOU life again. Those types are just out to hurt people! Scoiopathic personality types.

He loved you until he found someone else then off he goes. This time it is his ex the next time it will be with someone else. This man thrives on having two women and he will do the samething to the ex-wife. Or she will just put up with it and alway feel like you do.

Their is a book called Snakes in Suits. It about people in business that manipulate and use others to climb corporate ladder. Anyhow, I can apply this book to how men are that are dangerous. The dating is the same. They really do not have emotions only to use you for what they want. Also, House had a fiction character who was a lady who pretended to love her husband, yet could not feel love at all. All an act.

I just more aware of all the games men play it really sick and this man is just one of many.

It better to become aware of it so you will not get burned again. Or At least you red Flags will go up.

There is an old book called Women Who Love Too Much it is a good one.

Some people play into others emotions because it is a game for them,and when the game is over the relationship ends.

Your red flags told you something about him but for some reason you ignore your red flags.

Anyhow, your are not a victim so you need to take you POWER back. :-) He just crazy! and you really do not want someone like him.

Our society has changed with less and less morals and the break down of family values. What are your morals? I know that the stronger my morals are the harder it is for men to take advantage. We all want to fall in love and have the "happily ever after" but it is fiction and it takes hard work.

Hope that helps!

I am going through the same thing except before mind left he beat the crap out of me. He has let her send me nasty harrassing emails and texts. It's like he had to give her access to everything in order for her to let him stay. It's like he has to treat me bad to prove his love to her he stopped paying bills cut off my phone last week now I just get nasty emails I am so hurt and confused 2 days before he asked for a divorce he was looking at new wedding rings for me. He lied and said he was going to his moms but then moved in with her. Why lie if he "loved" he enough to go through all of this then why lie?

I don't even recognize him anymore. My children and I are now homeless staying with my parents as he has devastated me I just don't understand

I am going through the exact same thing! He has even gone so far to let her send me nasty emails from his email. It's so hard to understand how a man I loved and shared my life with could be so cold and callous I know in my heart too they won't be happy. They weren't before but this is a pain beyond comprehension. The best way to get back at him is to move on and find happiness I'm working on that

I totally agree with Roger. There is never a right answer. I know your pain because I'm going through it right now & you just want that person to do what we think is the right thing, when actually they are living their lives the way they want. No one should have to hurt like this. Best of luck to you.

I totally agree with Roger. There is never a right answer. I know your pain because I'm going through it right now & you just want that person to do what we think is the right thing, when actually they are living their lives the way they want. No one should have to hurt like this. Best of luck to you.

The questions you ask are the same questions many of us who have been left by a spouse ask and will never be satisfied by the answers we get. Its not your fault, you did nothing it was his decision to leave and you should not take him back. I took my wife back 2 times and now she is gone again, she has been with many other men and the pain is too much at times, but things do get better. Take care of your self, no one deserves to be hurt this way .