Summer Of Lost LoveIt’s very hard to put down in words the feelings and emotions that run through your body when you are heartbroken. I will try my best to explain what happened and how it affected my overall lifestyle.
My name is James; I’m 20 years old and a student at Southampton University. I have just completed my first year. I had some great times and met some wonderful people, one in particular really caught my eye and I was instantly drawn to her. Her name was Nicole and she lived in my student house. We became best friends in no time and shared so many common interests and laughs; we both looked out for each other and kept each other safe. She was beautiful, funny, very intelligent, so kind and as close as you’ll get to a perfect human being. The only problem was that I was starting to have feelings for her, ‘more than friends’ feeling and she didn’t know.
After a night out I finally plucked up the courage to tell her how I felt, this however wasn’t the best choice as I don’t think she felt the same way at this time. I completely understood and thought I just had to be there for her as a good friend, but the more time I spent with her the more I was falling for her, and eventually she felt the same. Our first kiss was magical, literally one of the best moments of my life and I won’t ever forget it. After that we became so close, I’d look at her as my girlfriend and would treat her as an absolute princess whenever I could. I looked after her, was always there for her when she needed it, put her 1st in everything I did. I’d wake up next to her, be with her all day and fall asleep in each other’s arms with her little teddies.
It came to Christmas time and we both knew we’d be away from each other for just under a month. We knew nothing would change as our love was so strong for each other. On Christmas day I officially asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. That feeling was just un-real, it made me the happiest and most fortunate person in the world, I honestly felt blessed I could call this angel my girlfriend.
When we got back to University everything was amazing, we became the closest two individuals in the world, done everything together and knew nothing else mattered. I worshipped this girl and wouldn’t have traded her for the whole world. Nicole studied International Business Studies and the course required her to be abroad in Finland for her 2nd year of University. She was also going to ‘Camp America’ to earn some money and have the best experience I’m sure she’d ever have in her life. I was not going to stand in her way of fulfilling these ambitions and dreams as they would help her learn and become a stronger person than she already was. We both spoke about the situation and both believed we could get through the distance away from each other because of the love that kept us so strong. I honestly believed we could get through all of it so we booked a holiday in mid-May to Fueingorla, Spain. The 8 days I spent out there with Nicole were unbelievable, the best, nicest holiday I’ve ever been on and couldn’t have asked for anything better. She knew me like no one else did, really understood me and I knew her like the back of my hand.
When the holiday came to an end we were both on a bit of a low as we knew things were going to be different in a few weeks’ time, with her going off to Camp America for 10 weeks. I kept re-assuring her that my feelings wouldn’t ever ever go; I know they wouldn’t because I loved her more than anything or anyone in the world. She was my soul-mate and wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl, she was incredible.
It was an emotional day and night when she left from Heathrow Airport but I was confident in her to absolutely smash it out there and never forget me. Days would go by very slowly when she was away; I missed her so much; it was so hard going from such an intense relationship of seeing each other every day, speaking every day to a Facebook message every 2 or 3 days. She gave me a lovely box of treats before she went, like a little photo album of all our times together and a little book of how much she loved me. Things like that really kept me going and wanted Nicole to have the best time, so knew I couldn’t message her saying I’m sad Etc. as I knew it would only bring her down. Id text her every day when she was out there and message her on Facebook telling her of my stories and how much I loved her and was counting down the days. I’d write to her, pouring my heart out with photos of all our memories and hoped that these would keep her going strong out there.
I knew from the moment she left she’d have an amazing time, and never once thought or pictured my life without her until one sad afternoon in July. I will always remember the day; July 3rd 2012 I received a message on Facebook. Made my day when I’d see the (1) come up as I knew it was my beautiful angel girlfriend thinking of me and writing to me, this however was the saddest message I’ve ever received and still haunts me to this day.
The distance had got to her, she was becoming too upset being far away from me and she was thinking in the long run about her 2nd year in Finland. She wanted her independence back and didn’t want to be tied down to things at home anymore. I don’t know what words people can use to describe heartbreak, but this was just crushing, utterly crushing. It had been 2 weeks since she left for camp and already she wanted it over. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My life was ba
I sent her love letters still, text messages and Facebook messages telling her how much I loved her and trying to explain how I was feeling, but she was having none of it and she couldn’t put herself in my shoes to realise the horrible pain I was going through. It would get to the point where we wouldn’t talk for weeks; I’d check her Twitter and Facebook pages every day to see how she was doing, but that only made me worse. Knowing she was moving on without me. Times were becoming so desperate and I sent out some flowers to her, £75 they cost for a basket to be sent abroad. It was silly of me to do so but I thought if she sees I’m still thinking of her she’ll maybe realise what she’s lost and might come around, this wasn’t the case and I got a simple thank you message on Facebook, she asked how I was and I told her straight I was suffering and in pain but got no reply, things were only getting worse.
I was having breakdowns; everyday I’d sit in my toilet and just cry, sometimes for 5 minutes some for an hour. My not eating and drinking finally hit me when I fainted at work. I don’t remember any of it and was woken up upstairs in the staff room with glasses of water. I claimed it was the heat that got to me so I didn’t look like a little boy depressed about heartbreak.
Nicole one day at the end of July posted a tweet saying something along the lines of ‘missing marmite, if anyone sends some out here ill love you forever’. Me being the silly obsessed type I immediately got into town, bought some marmite and sent some out to her hoping she’d love me forever. She hadn’t spoken to me in ages and was probably glad I hadn’t sent her any sobbing messages or letters.
I didn’t tell my mum at first what had happened as I was still really shook up about it all; I knew I had too though. She was really upset for me but understood why Nicole had done it, she just didn’t like seeing me so badly hurt and upset. My friends tried to be supportive but because they don’t know how it really feels, they were not sensitive about the matter and just expected it to drift off. They kept telling me I had to let go and let her enjoy her adventures but I loved her too much to even contemplate giving up.
She was due back in England for a day, on the 18th August till the 19th where she’d take off again for Finland. I kept telling myself ill surprise her at the airport and her feelings will come rushing back about how much love we have between us. I knew it wouldn’t be the case but it was my last shot. A week before coming home she messaged me on Facebook saying she’s missing me and wants to see me to talk things through if possible. It was a big surprise, I suddenly had an inch of hope re-installed into me and felt that there could be a chance of us again. I was already planning on seeing her but now she knew I was coming I thought it would help her see how much I loved her. I had organised gifts and presents to bring to her before she flew out on the 19th. This included a new iPod, DVD’s and lots of other little things to help keep her going in Finland. I thought if by buying her all these things it would prove how much I still wanted this to work and always would, my heart was playing a big part and was not thinking straight.
The big day came, she was coming back into England and I had set off for Heathrow so nervous and scared about how I’m going to feel after this day is over. All I wanted her to know was how much I loved her and always will. I had that heart sinking feeling in my stomach and really bad butterflies all day when I was with her, it was strange, really good seeing her but all I wanted to do was cry and tell her I love her. It was so hard, without doubt the hardest and saddest day of my life. I had to sit and listen to her explaining it won’t ever work, heart was just getting weaker and weaker and my eyes more and more watery. I was completely gutted. These feelings I’m trying to explain are all understatements of how it actually was. The heart breaking feeling is one that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I completely poured my heart out and knew she didn’t feel the same way. I gave her a hug and kiss, told her I loved her and left. 2 hours it took me to get home, and I was crying the whole way. That weekend my family were away so was home alone, which meant the crying would not stop. I fell over in my kitchen crying holding a teddy bear I once bought her. I knew this was the end but still couldn’t come to terms with it. I never wanted it to end like this and didn’t want her to ever be out of my life.
I explained to her that I’d always be there for her through everything, and hopefully she knew that. To try and be there for her even more I bought myself a new iPod too, it would allow us to message whenever we’re both in WIFI, but this was more in desperation than anything. I was clinging on to hope and couldn’t let go.
It’s now been a few days since I saw her. The feelings I’m experiencing are even worse than before. I’ve made myself very ill and haven’t been sleeping at all. All I do is think about her, 24/7, its completely killing me inside. I want to message her all the time, telling her I love her more than anything but it won’t change anything. She’s now in Finland until Christmas time and that’s what makes me so sad. I’m going to miss her so much more this time around as I know this is her new life, she’ll meet new people and have another wonderful experience, without me.
The crying has still been really bad and I honestly can’t see it getting any better. I am back to not eating and drinking, I keep telling myself I’m not depressed and it’s just a rough patch but this has gone on for far too long. I have been posting tweets about my feelings as this is the only way I feel I can get my point across to her. She had messaged me saying the tweets were bringing her down and tearing her apart. I have now de-activated my twitter account to make sure she has a good time. I’ve told her that I’d go through all this pain over and over to ensure she has another amazing adventure away. I’m not sure on any other ways I can prove how much I love her and how much she means to me. I know the feelings aren’t mutual and that’s what’s killing me.
I am going through the worst stages of my life and am not enjoying anything at the moment. I wouldn’t change one thing about the time I had with her as I love her and don’t regret anything. I just wish she knew how painful it was, and how much love I still had to give her. I don’t care if anyone says I need to ‘man up’ or ‘grow a pair’ because until you’ve been through the heartbreak you don’t ever know how badly it hurts. My friends are not supportive about it and I have to put on a brave face when I’m with them or at work, even though I’m dying inside. I’m not looking forward to going back to University as everything there will just remind me of her and bring me down. I’m not going to message her anymore as I know she just thinks of me as a pain.
Anyone looking and reading this probably think I’m one of the biggest mugs for doing all this for her, thinking I look the most desperate pathetic individual. When love takes over your body you perform actions your mind has no control over. I’m so sad and upset with myself letting it get this bad. I just loved her too much. I always will and will be there for her but my life is on a rapid downfall.
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave any comments or advice..