Emotional Amnesia

It’s been 4 days since I’ve slept proper.. 4 days since he broke my heart.. .. 2 days since I’ve cut off all contact.

Pain.. it keeps hitting me in waves. Its like I’m suffering from (or forcing) emotional amnesia. I force myself to block things out, but the little things are triggering off my insanity.

Great.. I’m just another breakup cliche..maybe I can put it down into a song and do an Adel/Katy Perry- earn millions get featured on Forbes.

UGH! My feelings are taking a nightmarish Roller Coaster HELL RIDE!

One second I tell myself I’m ok the and the next, a tiny thing like a random stranger wearing Bubba’s favourite colour, triggers off memories I want hidden! I haven’t let myself CRY.. I haven’t mourned.. I’m in denial. I’m better off that way! I want to GET RID of the pain… the memories cause my stomach to battle the most uncomfortable/torturous knots, my finger tips grow cold.. I feel faint & I want to throw up.. my cheeks tingle.. everything closes in on me.. I thought I’m over it.. I know it’s only been a few days.. but i’m over him! Right?! I thought I forgot all of that. I need REAL amnesia.. **** trigger memory.

I think.. I want to die. I’m not suicidal. I enjoy a little violence and gore..but why should I die for a man? But then the pain is SO IMMENSE..INTENSE..

But do I confront my feelings? No.. I’m a coward I escape behind a mask – a self set up fortress to block my emotional enemies (my own deep seated feelings of self hatred that have become magnified because of a man).. As soon as these memories and feelings come flooding, I’m SO afraid to let it take over. If I do, IT WILL break me. I know I will break. If I let myself mourn the END of my 3 year ‘stint’ with HIM, I’ll never come back. I’ll be stuck.. I’ll never wake up from that UNENDING NIGHTMARE.

So I put up a front. WHY AM I SO DARN WEAK. I force myself to STOP.. and in a matter of seconds, as soon as all those negative emotions literally come CRASHING with the force of a MASSIVE tsunami, I use all I’ve got (waning by the minute) to hold up a palm and say STOP in the name of.. God only knows what.. I brace myself and pretend like i’m not affected. Just when my eyes sting with tears, I swallow. I take a deep breath and well, for the lack of a better description, X-man my way out of it, like Jean Grey with her mind power.. and immediately I’m normal. I can easily crack a lie (I meant smile) and I’m “normal”. I’m definitely bi-polar..I hope not.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 13, 2013