He Was My First...And It Was Supposed To Be Forever!Hello. I want to share a really sad story with someone out there. I am not a very social person and all my life I have been an outcast. I am a good person with a full heart but I have always been different and I guess that is why people don't like me. I come from a strict family that I feel has never really appreciated me. I don't have any friends at all, and when I try to reach out I am ignored and pushed away.
Well my last year of high school everything changed. A boy got my attention and came on to me really strong. I had never been in a relationship before, and I wasn't even ready but I was just too passive to tell him to leave me alone. I let him hold my hand and kiss me, and eventually I agreed to go out with him. After that day at the movies I became entangled with him. We talked all night and we had everything in common. I couldn't believe it. All my life I had been alone and now I didn't have to be alone anymore.
As time went by we had some great times together. He filled in that void in my life physically and emotionally. He taught me new things about the world and about myself. He helped me with some of the psychological issues I had with being alone for so long. After a while I literally woke up everyday wanting him to be there, and wanted to sleep at night with him there. So we moved in together after about a year and we were honestly so happy.
Through the next year things changed. We started arguing for the first time and he started changing a lot. When we first met he had told me he didn't have many friends and didn't spend much time with them either. But he had started seeing them a lot more lately. I felt as if he was pushing me away sometimes as he would leave me to spend time with them. I realize now this was wrong of me, but I can't change that now. Then a family issue arouse and we were to move in an apartment with a family member of his. After more fighting he eventually decided he didn't want to live with me anymore. He said we needed more time and he wanted to be free to be himself for a while and this was his chance. But we were still dating and he wanted me to come see him every weekend.
So every weekend he picked me up and brought me to his place for the whole weekend. Things seemed to be going smoothly as the time we spent away only meant we wanted to see each other more on the weekend. But after a while we starting fighting and he started to ignore my phone calls and hang up on me whenever he felt like it. Once again I felt as if he was starting to pull away from me. But we kept trying to make it work because we were supposed to be together forever.
Now is the time to mention that we were like perfect for one another. We have almost perfectly matching body sizes, opinions, thoughts, backgrounds, and when we were together we were complete. We had nicknames for each other, special things we did together that no one else knew, we were a package deal. It also helped that we both had not been in relationships before each other, so it was like we were pure for each other.
Anyway, as time passed he eventually moved back into his mother's house because the apartment there wasn't working out anymore. But now things were different and his mother had strict rules about us not doing things in her house. So for the first time since we first got together we couldn't do all the things we wanted to do without potentially getting caught. It was very frustrating for me, but he didn't seem too upset. We had conflicting work schedules at the time and sometimes I would go more than a whole week without seeing him.
But it didn't last too long as he eventually got his own place once he had a job and things were great during the beginning. We finally had our own place to be together. Even though I wasn't exactly living there it felt like I did sometimes as I could go there whenever I pleased and I cleaned and maintained it. It was like my escape from home. But it didn't last long as the same family member whom he lived with in the apartment towns away, moved in with him for a few months. During this time I couldn't come and go as I pleased, keep the place clean like I wanted, and I didn't feel comfortable there with this family member. So things went down hill for me as I felt detached from him again.
Now this family member didn't stay for too long, but when he left things didn't go back to the way they were. My boyfriend starting drinking and partying with his friends at this time and things really started changing. We had always agreed not to drink and neither of us like that kind of activities. But he started really enjoying it and whenever his friends were over, I couldn't be there because I would get so upset at the way they acted. So things got worse and worse everyday.
Then one day my boyfriend started acting really strange, and was like that for almost a week. Finally he told me he didn't think we should be together anymore. I tried to convince him that no matter how hard it was sometimes we couldn't lose what we had. But he forced it on me and I was absolutely destroyed. For a whole month I felt abandoned and left to die. He had been everything to me and I couldn't handle him not being in my life. We were together for 5 years. I tired to pick myself up but I had completely lost sight of who I was. I had no life of my own and didn't want to go on anymore. And with no friends and little help from family it was really hard.
But nonetheless a month later I accidentally ran into him and things took a turn. After a long talk he had decided he wanted us to be friends and not enemies. He said he doesn't want me out of his life completely because he still loved me and that he had hopes we could get back together later in life when we had grown up some more. I wasn't happy with this at first but I enjoyed that I could see him again and talk to him. We even hugged each other and kissed a little since we were both single and still in love.
This went on for about a month and I honestly was feeling pretty good about us being friends. We had both agreed we were not ready to see anyone else and that we might be able to get back together later. I was especially happy because whenever I needed to escape to his place for a few hours, I could.
But a few days ago something happened that has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before. I went to visit him and he told me that he is now seeing someone. It has only been 2 months since we broke up, and I am not over him at all. And he had told me before he wouldn't be able to see anyone for a while, so he lied. The worst part is, he told me they had met just a few days before and had already spent a weekend together and rented a hotel for 3 days. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This wasn't what my ex boyfriend was like...renting a room with someone practically the first day meeting her. I was absolutely crushed and out of anger said some nasty things about him. After all was said and done, he said we cannot see each other ever again now that he has a girlfriend and he was practically throwing in my face how much fun they had. He said he hated me and he was ever so glad it wasn't as hard to get over me as he had thought it would be.
Now for the past few days I have been unable to really do anything. Even the life I had started after the breakup seemed to fall apart. This feels even worse than when we broke up. To think of someone else in his life so soon after all we have been through. I can't even think of being with someone else, even though I really want someone to hold me. I am a wreck and I don't know how I am going to go through with this. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Has anyone else been hurt like this before? Like you literally don't want to go on because inside you hurt so bad. I even realize now that he is no good for me, and that I am better without him, but I don't feel good inside. I feel completely empty and alone.
Before you post any comments I wanted to mention that despite I admit I have been controlling and obsessive with him, he had really bad problems too. He was completely unreliable, neglectful, unsympathetic, rude, disrespectful, dirty (hygienically), etc. He ignored me all the time, constantly put me down whenever I had a different opinion from him, didn't communicate with me what was happening in his life, always pushed me aside for his friends, and broke his promises to me. I just don't understand why I loved him so much. Why do I have to feel all this pain while he gets to be happy with someone new?