Continuously

I don't know how it feels to be in a long-term relationship. I want so much to settle down yet every time I get the chance I push that person away, no one matches up to this image I have in my head. I always find faults with the person that I'm with. I trust the wrong people and don't trust the right ones.

My longest real life relationship has been six months, the longest online relationship has been a year and a half. I don't understand what I do wrong and how I can change myself so that I'm better fit to settle down. I'm tired of bouncing from relationship to relationship in hopes of finding The One. Sometimes I think that I've found The One but in actuality I haven't.

My last boyfriend I thought I was going to marry. Even though my brother threw a tantrum when he found out we were dating my boyfriend fought for me. I thought he was valiant but that went downhill quick. He would leave at random times when we would hangout and go to my brother, he would get high and not be able to even form sentences.

I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed, yet when I told him he had this off-reaction. He started telling me all the negatives of having a child so young, all these things that I had thought about but not really put into focus. I thought that we would work it all out. He told me he didn't want to have the baby and that killed me inside.

So I had an abortion, and then I suddenly had to move out of state two days later. Two weeks later he ended our relationship and I felt so heartbroken. He made so many promises to me that he would try to work things out, that even though long distance wasn't his thing, that because he loved me he was going to work on his trust issues.

Three months later I was out and I was single, I finally got over him and I finally thought that I might be able to get back into a relationship. I met this guy, who's seven years older than me; we decided to get together and yet I couldn't shake this insecurity so I hid it. I put on this face of being confident and started talking to another guy to help soothe this rip in my relationship.

I had no reason to not trust him, I thought that he would respect my privacy and yet he told me that he would read my texts when I wasn't around. I didn't know what my brother knew and what he didn't. I felt betrayed and I felt my heart just sink, even though I was talking to another guy I felt like I wasn't the one in the wrong: that he was for making me feel the need to open up to another guy and for betraying my trust and reading my texts.

So I relapsed on pills and I said some horrible things to him, words that I know I can never take back but at the same time I felt relieved for hurting him in the same way that he had hurt me. I felt vindictive. Now I realize that I was in the wrong and I should've comforted him, yet I don't know how I can erase the wrongs that I've done or even start to try to make it up to him.

I don't know even who I can go to for this because I've surrounded myself with people who will continuously take my side with everything, they wouldn't dare make me made by disagreeing and I feel bad. I want to make it up to the guy that I was with yet he won't even really hug me. It hurts remembering when I would be doing dishes and he would sneak up behind me, put his arms around me and kiss my neck so lovingly. I don't have that anymore and I want it back. I want it back so bad.
TwoGypsies TwoGypsies
22-25, F
Nov 18, 2013