I met him at 18 while travelling abroad. He was a childhood friend that my mother insisted i visit even if its for a few days. Our fathers were best friends and as children they had always joked that we both would end up together. I was 18 he was 19. The day he came to pick up me up at the airport was a day i will never forget. Even though i had never met him i remember running into his arms as if i had known him my whole life. As if my soul knew him long before i had even known him. I ended up only spending two days in his home country as i was back packing through Europe with my best friend. After spending two amazing magical days with him i promised i would end my european tour back at his home country and fly back home from there. However that never happened. I had a family emergency back home and had to fly back mid way through my trip. However once I got back I could not and would not stop thinking about him. And let me tell you at that point i had a great boyfriend but once i got back i felt nothing for him. It was as if he never meant anything to me. So i broke it off. What i didn't realize at that moment was that my european soulmate never wanted what i wanted. I wanted him and he didn't think we would work because i was so different from him. Two years later he got married to a girl and he kept in touch through out the years. He would message me happy birthday or miss you and please come visit. I never replied. I blocked his memory out of my life because after all what do you know when you're 18? You think you're in love and you have met your soul mate but everyone tells you you're too young to know. So i blocked him and every single memory of him.
Forward it to 8 years later. I am 26, living alone, have a great job and seeing a great guy with whom i see a future with. I get a call early morning 3 am my time. Its him. He says he's going through a divorce and wonders if it would be okay for him to visit. I think nothing of it. I don't even remember that i once had feelings for him. I just think sure come why not i can show you around. I don't over think it, I tell my boyfriend to be and he's okay with it as he will be out of town anyways and thinks its a great idea for him to come. After all he says he's going through a divorce why not be there for him. I should have known i would regret this i should have known nothing ever good comes out of him but i didn't. I dress up the day of his arrival and go pick him up. As I am driving by i see him waiting on the other side. My heart smiles. I honk my horn but he doesn't see me. I get out of my car and walk towards him everything suddenly hits me. The way i felt about him, the way the world stops around you, the reason you finally understand all those cheesy movies, and stupid love songs. The way the world looks. The colours are more intense, the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the air is fresher and your heart is beating faster. You have this adrenaline rush like its monday morning and you've already dawned 8 cups of coffee. I run to him this time too and hug him. I ask him about his life, his wife, his two kids. He says he married too fast, he loves his kid but hates his wife. "She is a nightmare" he says. A nightmare i think with pretty blue eyes. He says she has made his life a living hell and he wants to get out. I say "whatever makes you happy" and he gives me this smile that makes my heart stop. I lie to him and say i am not dating anyone when he asks. I go out of my apartment and the great guy whom i am seeing. I say he's here. He says great now go and have fun i love you. I do too i say and don't mean it. Because all of a sudden i realize no other amount of love will ever come as close as the way i love him. I finally realize when people say if its love you will know. I don't care that he has two kids, i don't care that his wife is a *****, i don't care that he has so much baggage that he literally is the baggage claim. I care about none of it. Because when i am with him i need nothing. The world without him means nothing. And what is a world without nothing to live for? So we go on vacation. We leave the country and go away. At first we are friends and nothing else. It starts with silly jokes, past memories, the brush of his hands against mine, the way he accidentally touches me, the way he pokes me when he thinks i am not listening. Then before you know it you're both falling madly in love. I had already been in love but this time its his turn to feel what i feel. And he does. He feels it with a passion i did not see coming. Then the planning of the future comes. He promises me a grand wedding, the telling of our families, the happiness our fathers would feel at the news. We talk about how we would raise his kids and whether i should learn how to cook. He leaves and i cry at the airport. I break up with my boyfriend and forget all about him. As if he never existed. I stay up until 4 am everyday so i can be on his time. I sleep all day and am up all night. He's worth it i say. I get too tired to go to work, too tired to go out with friends he's all i can think of. He calls me and says its over the divorce is final and he will send me a ticket to vist him after january (2015). I cry whether its from joy or the foreshadowing of our future i can't tell. I quit my job, i sell the few things i owe, i pack my life up and go to vegas with my best friends and he hits Paris with his. I am on the phone with him on new years i say happy new years love of my life. He says happy new years my soul but i have to go now my guy friends are waiting for me. I feel a pang of something a flutter of wrongness but i ignore it and keep on dousing champagne. I smile and think to myself this year is going to be great.
Three weeks into my still ongoing vacation i get a call from a friend. Says he wasn't in paris with his friends for new years but with his so called ex-wife who is not an ex wife and never was. My whole body caves in. I feel a volcano of emotions. But most of all i feel like puking I puke out everything, the lies, the emotions, the hurt, the champagne, the empty promises, the real promises? I don't know at this point but i keep puking and then i cry. I cry for the lies he has told me and i cry for the two hearts i broke because of him. I cry for the man i let go and i cry for the mistake i have made. I cry for lying to myself and ignoring all the red signs, i cry for believing him, and mostly i cry because i can't and won't let him go. I call him and i break up with him. He doesn't run after me and won't run after me. I block him and then unblock him. i do this for the next 3 months. Once i unblock him i hurl insults at him through Facebook, text messaging, voice messaging. I feel empty so i block him again. I unblock him again and this time we go back to saying i love yous but then the anger rises in me and i hurl my insult my pain at a screen. So i block him again. I unblock him and so it begins a cycle. On vacation I laugh sometimes randomly. My friends stare at me. They used to call me the ice queen now i am the melting queen. I have break downs and melt downs. I can't hurl my anger at him so i hurl it at them whenever they'r happy i do it when they're down i do it, when they're sad i do it. I don't know myself. The last time i blocked him was 7 days ago today i say its done its over. But deep down i don't know if it is. I love him as a child loves its favourite blanket or as mother loves her unborn child. Unconditionally and with every ounce of my being. I love him as if he were the beat of my heart and my very soul. I feel a physical pain when i see a flash of his smile in my head. I miss him so much that its physically painful to breath. I tell myself it is better to have loved and lost then to have felt no love at all. Then i google and try to find who said that quote. Then i want to find them and murder them. I want to see if they really have loved and lost because anyone who has truly loved. As in loved with their entire soul and finally understood what giving up their life for someone else meant would never ever say such a ******* stupid thing. So i go online and i try to find sad break up stories. I find this website hoping the misery of other people will help me, but it doesn't. I feel my pain more and everyone elses pain. So I search for sad stories and tragic stores but none of it seems to numb the pain away. None of it.
soulshatttttered soulshatttttered
26-30, F
1 Response Apr 28, 2015

Wow, what a story. He's your twin soul, or twin flame. Look that up, read up on it, and you will have a much better understanding

I know exactly what your going through. It's a relationship characterized by the highest of highs and the lowest of lows you will ever experience. He's the runner, as most guys are. Your the stayer. I'm almost positive that he is tour twin flame by the way you describe your joy and pain. It's a connection like no other, a real deal soul connection. The strongest you've ever had, the most intense you could ever possibly experience. This person is literally your other half. Sadly many twins that meet in the physical plane aren't ready or supposed to reunite just yet. You each have to evolve spiritually. Just wait, look it up, signs that you met your twin soul, and tell me if I'm wrong....once you been through it, you know. Makes me think of mine again. Our story is also quite sad

That scares me. A lot. I wish i was twin souls with someone who deserved my soul not a bastard like him. I hope i never reunite with him. What was yours like? I am just really angry now a days. Just an intense form of anger I don't know how to get rid of. Will you tell me more about yours? I am too scared to search the soul twin....